The Magnificent 9
I've never been on vice call up with such a big turnout before so I'll keep the intro short. Most of the fishermen here are regulars, LB, Round Eyes, MJ, Pappy, Deck, Poks, Squint, Totti and me.
The original plan was to head to BS which LB had booked in advanced, but a delayed dinner and slow traffic saw us reaching at 8.40pm. We're 10mins late, and our room was given out. Bitch.. I'm bored cos it looked like the night was beginning to spiral downwards. We peeked into the rooms. Ugly. This is a blessing in disguise.
The new destination was a place at Cuppage centre.
9.35pm - We reach the place. Everyone is there already except for MJ.
9.42pm - The Mummy comes in to intro herself. A short haired auntie in funny top and jeans. she looks like the coffee auntie at coffee shops. She probably takes drink orders in here as well. All she needs is the pouch.
9.50pm - LB suggest that we go by an order system to select the gals. We all choose a number from 1-8 and we have to take the girls that comes into the room in that order. Its all about chance..
Here's the order..
4. Butterfly (me)
7. Round Eyes
10.07pm: First 3 gals walks in. First gal is a tall Malay girl in a black dress. Too fancy and looks troublesome to remove. She moves to sit with Squint. 2nd gal is also a Malay. Quite a pretty face. She goes to Totti.
3rd gal comes in. This gal is a monster. She's short and round and her teeth is funny. I think she's brought in scare us or to make the first two look good. Good tactic on the mamasan's part. Pappy is forced to take her.
10.08pm: Pappy breaks the rule and request for a change. It creates an uproar amongst us.
10.09pm: Appeal accepted, Pappy breathes a sigh of relief and he gets to have another chance to erect for the night.
10.11pm: Squint's gal is complaining he is too decent.
You have to actually see Squint to understand why she's complaining. He has the enthusiasm of a castrated monk. The girl had her hand under his berms and he is still sitting there with his arms folded. He is visibly uncomfortable and we tell him to just make small talk. This girl is not the monster Pappy had to face with so we don't understand why he's reacting this way.
10.14pm: Squint is still not talking to her.. I hear her say something about raping him.
10.18pm: Gal no.4 comes in. Chinese gal.. not bad looking. Looks like a gal we know. LB tells me she's pretty but she's not my type. I don't change cos she's by far the best of the now remaining 3.
10.24pm: Gal No.5 and 6 comes in. Pappy quickly grabs no.5 which is meant for Poks. No. 6 is left hanging. Poks and Dek don't want her. No.6 is huge! She probably ate up no.7 as well. She's a Great white shark and her ass is spelt CELLULITE. No.5 on the other hand looks so slim next to her, but apart from the face, her body is like a Gummy bear. She's really round and I think Pappy chose her because the Mummy brought in No.6 as another scare tactic. It fucking works.
I make small talk with my gal who has really raspy voice. I can't remember her name but I keep thinking of Bryan Adams when she speaks. I'll call her Bryan. Bryan is the only Chinese gal in the room and she's mandarin speaking. Guys who know me know that my Mandarin, while fast improving is best kept to the "How are you's" and "What are u doing now's". Raspy voice is a turn off for me. It's not the sexy low toned voice, it's the Bryan Adam's straining his voice on long notes kinda raspy.
10.40pm: We get downgraded to another room. Bryan's a butterfly cos she keeps going off. I'm so fucking changing her. Thank god I've not groped her or anything.
I go to the toilet and I see this damn pretty gal, only that her butt's an inheritance from Queen Latifah. She's really bottom heavy, but her face is redeeming enough.
10.49pm: The next gal comes in and she's meant for Poks. At first glance, she's ok cos she's passed the BMI test. Apparently she's one of the majority tonight that is heeding the Govt's advice to maintain a BMI below 25, but she's taking it to an extreme, cos she's really thin, her BMI is like 12. She looks like a Cambodian Refugee, has quite a bad overbite and her tooth gaps are bad.
People, I'm not being bitchy or critical, I'm simply reporting it as it is. I look at her and I think of starving children. Poks is complaining that she's too thin. She makes a great poster gal for starvation. I see her and I feel guilty for eating the crabs and all for dinner. We should have saved some for her.
10.53pm: I didn't realise but Deck's gal is sitting with him already. She looks very decent. Long hair, braces, speaks very well. I thought she was the receptionist.
11pm: Round Eyes' and LB's girls come. Round Eyes hits JACKPOT! Its the girl that I saw earlier on. Everyone is making noises. WE want her too! LB's gal is a plump girl, so he rejects her. Poks saves her cos he wants to trade his scarecrow for her. Which is good cos she needs her dinner.
Now, all but LB, Squint and Me has a gal. Squint leaves early. MJ comes. He wants a gal too. His first girl I honestly cannot remember because I was too busy drinking as much as I can. I need to be drunk in case my new gal falls into the reject groups category. LB's gal comes. Another Malay. Are they are trying to balance the ethnicity ratio here?
11.17pm: We start playing dice games. Loser strips a piece of clothing.
11.23pm:Too many guys playing and it's dumb cos I don't really want to see the guys strip. I just want Round Eye's girl to lose. She says she's going to the toilet and never returns. That Bitch.
11.26pm: My replacement girl comes. Chinese gal. Ah Lian pattern. Sits down quietly behind me.
ME: "You want to play?"
Ah lian: "I have faith in you."
Say what? What wrong with the above conversation? Ah lian here obviously failed her conversational English lessons. She replies incoherently. I believe she's either
a) drunk so she cant reply properly
b) deaf from the blaring sound system
c) mandarin speaking.
I pick option C, cos I rephrase it in Mandarin and she replies "I don't know how to play". Just wonderful, I'm paying for a mandarin lesson again. She starts checking me for tattoos, I don't know why, but she doesnt have one, which is a minus point for me. Cos tattoos absofuckinglutely turns me on.
Anyway, Ah Lian here makes up for her inadequacies with her violent nature. She gets the ball rolling by sitting on me and attempting to remove my shirt. I hate being taken advantage of so I remove her shirt too. (her responses and looks remind me sooo much of another friend.. *chills*). I lock her arms behind her cos she's trying to tickle me. Tickling is always a good way to accidentally grope people. Guys, take note.
She fights back and tries to suffocate me with her boobs. Thankfully I have the lungs of a 5 year old and I'm out of breath in a matter of seconds so I bite her boobs to get her off me. My instinct is for survival, morals have to wait. She goes to unbutton my jeans. I grab her and lift her up, she surrenders, shouting nasty words at me like "Stop" "Enough" "I don't want.." words like that turn me off.
The fuckers are enjoying a free show. It's ok cos most of their girls are away anyway. She puts her shirt back and tells me she needs to entertain another client. The room is empty of the gals.. except for Pappy's gummy bear. She's in the contention for long service award.
12.20am: MJ changes his gal.
12.30am: I go back into the room and Dek's gal is stripping to her undies. She goes to the front to do a dance. I see tattoos, lots of em' but I also see too much waist. Thankfully, she's still under the 25 limit so its ok.
12.33am: She gives Dek a lap dance.
12.34am: The other 3 gals give Totti, Poks and Pappy a lap dance too.
12.35am: I tell Ah Lian " Oei Kai Gong Lei" (translated as " Oei Start work lei) I decide to say it in her native tongue cos I didn't want a "oh i just had my dinner, thanks" reply to spoil the atmosphere. Ah Lian gives in to my request.
12.37am: I look at the others. Pappy's girl's top is down. Totti's girl's boobs are out too. I look at Poks, his girl's top is off too. Dek is just next to me. I glance and I see two distinct papayas. I need to catch Ah Lian up to speed on the latest trends and from wat I see, topless is the in thing.
I get them off in a slow 18secs... spoiling one of her buttons along the way. I tell her she needs velcro shirts cos im bad with buttons.
12.44am: Hanky Panky ends. The girls are called by the Mummy to go to another room.
12.47am: Back to singing. Which is so boring comparatively. I yawn to show my disdain.
12.50am: Mj's new gal comes in, she's quite hot figure wise.
12.51 am: We are on the issue about Dek kissing his gal, cos I saw her lips plastered to his face. We explain why we NEVER kiss.
Dek: "Cannot kiss meh?"
Poks: "Of cos not lah!"
Me: "Yah, I don't think you should"
Dek: "Why not?"
Poks: "Cos you dunno how men she's blown tonight!"
Dek is hysterical. Honestly, I didn't think of it that aspect until Poks said it cos I was thinking more of the symbolic intimacy of kissing, but I now see it in a whole new dimension. I tell Dek that they are sure to listerine themselves but I can't imagine if u start kissing and suddenly u feel pubes hair in your mouth. Dek is a disturbed soul tonight.
1.14am: MJ's gal is stepping it up. I can't see shit cos I'm sitting too far.
1.15am: She's straddling him and his top is off
1.16am: Her top is off. Finally, something we actually want to see. She's got on some funky bra. I don't really care cos to me, a bra should never stay on for long anyway. MJ comments on how much he thinks her bra is interesting. I say the same thing all the time, when I can't figure out how to remove a bra. Her body is great.
1.28am: Ah Lian comes back. She somehow wants to put her hands into my jeans. I'm very familiar with this by now. It's like Déjà Vu.
1.29am: I retaliate less since she already allowed me to do it on her.
1.30am: She gets my buttons off and forces her hand in. Been there done that. It's all so familiar.
1.31am: Too rough, she scratches me and I'm in pain. I refuse to let her in anymore.
1.32am: She tells me she'll be gentle and we start another negotiation on having her hands in my pants again. What's it with these girls?
1.33am: I tell her I have a dick the size of a pencil eraser cos I'm on Estrogen pills and I'll be having a sex operation soon. I point to my lack of an Adam's apple as evidence. She says I look like a girl.
Me: "Can you stop trying to play with my dick! I don't have one!"
Ah Lian: "Never mind, I can finger you."
Suprisingly, I said this in English and she actually answered me perfectly well.
Me: "Ok but $40"
She stares at me with the 'that's not funny look'.
It totally does not help and she's not even the slightest bit amused. I guess I'm not that funny after all.
The guys urge me on, so I sit over her in a mock attempt to get her to blow me. I think I know what she's actually trying to do.
1.42am: the shows over. My girl is going off again. She calls my name out just before leaving.
Me: "Eh, then what's your name?"
Ah Lian: "Name is ask before 12am after that cannot ask liao wor."
Me: "Ok, I'll call you Durian then."
Ah Lian: "Durian? Why not papaya?"
Me: "Cos you are not her (I point to Dek's girl. To her boobs specifically) you're lucky I'm not calling u grapes."
I get into a slang-fest with Dek's girl cos her English slang is getting on me. I irritate the shit out of Dek, Ah Lian and Dek's girl, whom I shall call TheContortionist, with my China accent. Most of my friends should have heard it by now. It's fucking irritating. I start making comments about Malaysian accents.
Ah Lian: "No, they don't speak like that."
Me: "Yes they do! I go over to the causeway to stock up on chewing gum and they speak just like that."
Ah Lian: "Rubbish..."
Me: "My regular DVD seller always tells me, 'my DVD's Ji cheap wor...'"
Ah Lian is visibly pissed for reasons unknown to me. I must be drunk to not piece the puzzle. She is Malaysian and it takes me till the end of the night to figure it out. Well, I didn't actually figure it out. She specifically told me "I'm going back to JB" and the Forrest Gump in me said, "huh so late got shops meh... ohhhhh.. ooops.."
I'll fast forward to the highlight of the night.
I go take a piss and I come back into the room.
1.56am: Round Eyes apparently tells TheContortionist to entertain him. She answers his request, by stripping..
All I heard her say was, "Strip then strip la!" and next I know, I'm having ring side seats to livenudegirls.com. She strips, the shirts go off, the skirts follow, the bra comes off too and next we have the panties. This is the best 15mins all night long. I see what looks like a birthmark on her ass but it turns out to just be a smudged tattoo. (Yes you read it right, a SMUDGED tattoo!) She's not the best body in the room, but being naked obviously pushes her to the top.
Everyone's eyes is on her. I see the waiter coming in to clear the drinks taking a glance at the corner of his eye. What a pervert. TheContortionist starts giving Dek a lap dance. A real stripper certified lap dance. I now think back and feel cheated by my kindergarten topless lap dance just now, of which I had to undress her. Dek is like the birthday boy. The spotlight is on him.
Contortionist is the best party girl, EVER. She wants us to pour ice on her. Poks, Totti and Round Eyes are having box sits to this show, and they're participating with the ice. They desperately try to erect her lady bits. This ladies and gentlemen, is the shit! My next stop is obviously to a strip club. Dek is lost and he is sitting there with his hands to his side. We prompt him to grab her ass. We are safety oriented, holding a girl is a MUST for lap dances cos the gals are prone to falling off. Dek goes for the boobs. I'm guessing it's one of the approved safety grab spots.
It's over in couple of minutes. Contortionist gets dress and shows us some freaky shit. She puts BOTH legs over her head! I'm seriously freaked out by this stunt. I was totally unprepared for Cirque Du Soleil and now all we need is Pappy's gummy bear to do amazing leaps with her Gummyberry juice and we've got ourselves a circus.
It looks like she's being decapitated and contorted to fit into a box. She says sex in this position is mind blowing for the gal. I'm freaked out. I cannot fuck anyone in that position. I'm too freaked out to even fucking erect. MJ starts bombarding her with sex questions. Dek is disturbed cos he is limp. Apparently, he was limp for the entire ordeal. He's afraid it's spoilt.
Pappy's girl is still seating there with him. She's the runaway winner for long service award. MJ's gal is really familiar. She tells MJ her sob story of her family and how she needs the money. She needs to be in Griffindor for her courage in facing this cruel world by being in this trade.
Me: "You look really familiar." ( I tell alot of people this, but its not my pick up line.)
MJ's gal: "Cineleisure.. I saw you at cineleisure.."
For a moment I panicked. I'm just worried if she's part of a second degree of separation, but she assures me that she doesn't know me. Good. Case close, mystery solved.
2.28am: The mummy comes in to tell us the place is closing and tells us to 'look after the gals'. Its the industry's way of saying "You groped my girls for the night.. now pay up!"
2.30am: I slip all the cash I have with me, which is way below the standard tip. I am getting good at bargaining. She doesn't complain and I revel at getting away for being cheap. The guys tip independently.
2.33am: We leave.
We head for supper at Rivervalley and to discuss the next destination over it. Pappy is MIA. I hear the guys say he's sending the gal back. Whatever. Sadly for me, the night ends after supper, although some of us was in favour to head to Chinablack, cos Reznor joined us for supper and said the place was rather happening tonight, but some of the other guys wanted to head back cos they were tired.