Tuesday, March 14, 2006

The Australian Trip- Adelaide part 2


It's funny how I expected this leg of the holiday to be tame and mild and yet it turns out to be heaps more happening than Perth ever was.

I actually went to the Art Museum yesterday. Yes, me in the home of arts, after a couple of beers. Arts museum rules, its like watching free porn without surfing the net. Its weird what beers can actually do to your prick. I start getting a stiffy from looking at fat painted trenaissance women with boobs popping up all over the place, not funny when you have to walk in boxers. All this eroticism in art pisses me off, why cant women now be like the ones in the painting, topless half the time.

I know nothing about art but when school kids find it possible to take notes on pieces of canvas with ink bludges, I take it as a challenge against my cultural aptitude. Fuck it, I will not lose to school kids who have never even seen porn. I start staring at the pictures that seems to e getting the most attention. Its a picture of Helen of Troy being attacked by some fucker in a funky outfit with a stupid helmut. While they wrote on perfect symmetry and colours, all I saw was tits.

Other ridiculous art was this canvas painted entirely black and they actually managed to conjour bullshit out of it. Thinking it's a matter angles, I start shifting myself to their spots. Still, black. I move again, still black. Art is all about finding bullshit.

Back to story. Everyone is having a hangover, so we spend the day pretty much just lazing around.

We head to Isobar at about 11.30 for one of their friend's birthday bash. Asian paradise, its my playground. I'm now introduced as "the one without the bladder." I don't know which is more surprising for them, a Singaporean that does the Melbourne Shuffle, or a Singaporean out drinking Australians. I fly the state flag well, I'm a perfect party ambassador.

The place sucks so the girls decide RnB might be better. We head to Tonic. Equally boring. The only thing that can save this failing night is a rave club. Hence, Earth. This is the kind of place you see in shuffle videos. Glowsticks, shufflers, ravers, drugs, blowjobs in toilets, vice haven.

I conclude that its not shuffling that gets people hitting on you, its just me being me. Maybe it's the holiday luck, or maybe I really should start dressing up for clubs. I go toilet and when I come out, this two girls are standing outside. One of them looks like her forehead is a contour map of the Himalayas. Its almost impossible to squeeze that much acnes on one small area, but Miss Oxy 2006 did it. The other chick is pretty hot, flat butt but enough boobs and a sharp nose go a long way for me.

As soon as they see me, Miss Oxy walks away, thankfully so cos any sherpa would have died seeing her face. Then hotter girl comes up to me and starts chatting me up. Apparently she tailed me all the way up to the toilet. 'A plus' for effort already, I like her more. After a brief conversation, of which I tell her I'm not local and despite arriving with an entourage of girls, still very much single. She's a Viet, I love it. If you know about Viets in Australia, you'll know that having them as friends are perfect. No one messes with Viets, unless you're looking to be stabbed. No one is gonna fuck with me now.

Anyway, I head back to the dance floor where Minori is with the others. Viet starts randomly coming up to dance with me. The predicament now is, how am I going to exploit this situation.
She starts rubbing up against me, what do I do? Nothing. How long can I resist temptation? About 2 mins tops. I finally give in and she leads me to towards the step up to the toilets. Oh I forgot to mention, by the time she comes back to me, she had already popped. Long live E. What follows later is a true testament to what girls who really want to fuck you will go to lengths for. The downside is that two absinthe and plenty of shots tend to fuck up bodily co-operation abit.

The thing about rave joints is that most people are either nose deep in snow or breathing alcohol. Its a fucking chemist joint. They say really classic lines.

Druggie: "Dude, I'm so drunk."

This is dumb cos people there who pop don't drink at all. Kids, see what drugs do to you? Do you want people to laugh at you?

The other thing is the communal bottle. What's that? Its this mineral water bottle that they share between them. I'm talking about 10 people sharing a bottle, and one of them was in the toilet stirring his vomit in the sink because the chunks were too big to go down. The fucking bottle gets pass all night round, I reject it cos unlike here where no one wants to fucking waste drugs to spike your drinks, people there want everyone fucked like them.

This other drug fucked Malaysian Chinese starts asking me if we have Trance music in Singapore and if we have license to take drugs in clubs. And he was pissing me off all night because he kept asking for fags, even after telling him I didn't 4 times before.

Me: "Do you apply for a license to be dumb?"
He: "No lah"
Me: "We open Zouk for you people, we bring Van Dyk in for you, we invented trance for you."
He: "No lah"

Right after our little tryst, the Viet girl disappears. Probably off to fuck some other tourist, you know how fit these Viet Congs can get. The situation between me and my Jap doll is pretty complex, I say so cos I have to explain too many whys. I can never really focus when too many cute Asian chicks prance around me and show high propensity to want to fuck me. Love will have to find me when I go home. My sis was hoping this trip would tone me down, oh boy will she be disappointed. You see, Mino made me realise, verbally, that I'm not built to withstand long distance relationships. It's retribution, I'm treating all girls nice from now on.


Thanh brings us out to get tickets for the Adelaide Fringe Festival. Its some arts festival and have some pretty good standup comedy shows. Do a google on it. My life here is not always about booze and party. I squeeze in time for chances to meet cute girls at comedy gigs too.

If I was dating Mino, this would have been a pretty decent day to get romantic, unfortunately I wasn't. We end up going to her friend's birthday at a lawn bowling club. Yes lawn bowl. As wierd as it sounds, the place is filled with young people bowling horrendous shots. Then I spot the bar counter, explains everything.

Four Asians, two of which obviously found the all-you-can-eat buffet counter by the bar. One hot one I smiled at and was later introduced turns out be a mother. The other girl smiled but didn't come over, might likely have been the fact that I was holding Mino's bag. I'm on holiday, every miss deserves an excuse.

They start asking me about Singapore and how I found Adelaide.

Guy: "Drinks in SG are damn expensive. I paid $34 for a damn drink."
Me: "Did you get a blowjob?"

It takes about 2 mins before they get the pun in the joke, by then I'm already commenting on the wonders of food fried with pig's lard and how it's unknown here. Whats there not to like about the down under. They have road signs that write, "drowsy drivers die." and "wrong way tun back", you have to love them.

The comedy gig later that night was pretty ok. Arj Baker is decently laughable if you're had a couple beers to pre-empt disaster. His one classic line on being religious.

Arj: "I'm half Indian so that means I'm born wth a religous starter kit installed. I'm 1/4 German so I get the job done and 1/8 Dutch so I only pay 1/8 the bill."

Some guy with tourettes starts hurling abuses. Its probably the beer.

We spend the remainder of the night drinking Vodka, Beer and VSOP while watching MTV and Thanh blurts out to Minori, "he came here to see you." Long pause, awkward silence then the video of Extreme singing "More than words" come on. What perfect timing songs have in fucking me up. This isn't the first, it happened when Mino was leaving SG and with Ivory at Walas.

Things actually turns out be to better than I expect. I meet probably 2000 people the last two nights thanks to their extensive social network. Its just terrible that I don't remember most of them and say things like,

Me: 'Yea, Soul Bar was solid, how come you didn't go?"
Guy: "I was there, I bought you the burbon coke."


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