Monday, July 10, 2006

Butterfly debates with Taxi Driver

Two words that will pre-empt you on a bad cab ride.

Cabbie: "Where's that?"

Its one thing when you're giving a road name totally unheard of in the journals of road mapping or if you stay in unhabited areas like Jurong or Choa Chu Kang where you are in a different time zone from civilization, but its another when your response to,

Me: "Uncle, Orchard Cineleisure."

Is,

Cabbie: "Near where ah?"

Is this a joke? Boy scouts in ugly green shorts and picnic scarfs can find Atlantis with a Casio watch compass faster than this cabbie can find his indicator signal. People, it's mandatory to know at least 4 ways to get to Orchard, you'll never know when you'll need to become a cab driver. Mid life crisis and too much indulgence in prostitution can hit you out of nowhere. It's an inevitable fate for some of you, much like nercophilism, penile dysfunctionalism and rape.

A sweltering heat wave outside and the putrid mixing of my Ralph Lauren Silver and perspiration was all the buffer I need to ignore the cabbie's obvious stupidity and enjoy the voice over telling me to, "Please fasten your seat belt". A rest was all I had hoped for, but Fate hates me.

Me: "Near HMV."
Cabbie: "HDB?"
Me: "Uncle, HMV, the place that sells music records."

I must have been giving him the worst day of his life because everything I said to him was like unwrapping the biggest mysteries of Orchard road. I've said in two sentences, two prominent landmarks that Gay Pride activist would seige to coerce authorities into making Orchard the new capital of Homoland. Hey, what better place than this, when you get to have high fashion, iced latte and a huge fountain at the Civic Sq to wash your condoms at. Recycle.

Two landmarks that seemed entirely Greek to him was all I needed to know the root of his ignorance. Of cos, how could I not see this. He followed the white rabbit out of Wonderland.

Cabbie: "Oh, I know. Near Shaw Tower right?"
Me: "UNCLE, not Tower records."

I would have told him Tower closed at the turned of the 10th Century after being overthrown by Vikings, but at the rate of him frowning over Cineleisure, I'd probably never make it out of my neighbourhood by sunset.

Me: "Uncle, you go by CTE exit Cairnhill Hill."

Then it got WORSE.

Cabbie: "Boy, CTE don't have such exit."
Me: "There is, it's after Upper Bukit Timah..."
Cabbie: "Boy, Uncle drive taxi more than 10years already, CTE don't have such exit. After Upper Bukit Timah is Orchard, yew want to go Plaza Singapura issit?"

The only thing I was more positive about being correct in my life than the exits of CTE, was that teeth + blowjob = hospital.

Cabbie: "Issit you want to go by PIE?"

The next 2 mins was a courtroom classic. Me sitting at the edge of my seat, absolutely antagonized by his ignorance, yet subtly disturbed at my obvious victory over a cabbie on street locations. Next I'll be giving druggies a workshop on how to snort lines.

My hysteria was matched only by the cabbie's smurk, which slowly evaporated as soon as we passed Moulmein. Then he came up with the best statement altering line that left even me speechless.

Cabbie: "Oh, you want to go CRANE-HILL ah!"

Best.Comeback.Ever.

7 Comments:

At 1:56 PM, Anonymous still ah pui said...

you should have sialaned him back by asking him for the fare. when he asks why you can tell him its compensation for your needlessly lost braincells.

Cranehill. hahahaha. where all the birds are

 
At 5:01 AM, Anonymous sfc2464u said...

hahahhahaha. fuck!

thats officially your funniest entry.

fuck those sex talk crap. you sound just be some sarcastic know-it-all condescending humourist.

 
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