Monday, August 07, 2006

Rounding up the Lifestory

Since you absolutely love me and I love me, I shall award this commonality with the continuation of my lifestory.

For those of you who haven't been reading enough of the past stories, you really need to drop your Quantum Physics text and pay attention to my stories. I'm the remedy to your social detachment. Reading my blog gets you a better chance of getting laid than reading how atomic particles react. My rule is simple. Any read without the mention of alcohol or sex in 5 lines is classified under bullshit, unless it's Harry Potter.

My first year in JC was absolutely horrible. Naturally, the only outcome to this was flunking the finals and retaining. Ironically, this turned out to be the BEST life altering experience EVER.

The lecturers did a great job in putting us down. I don’t blame them. The only thing that beats kicking someone when they’re down, is doing it daily in front of 300 students. That’s the education system for you. Just lovely.

I did Economics and for an entire year, and I never understood the laws of demand. I didn’t see why prices should rise with demand when everything should be given to me free, with seconds. I also didn’t understand why Convent girls had problems keeping their legs together when they sat.

Retaining in JC for the first couple months was a recurring nightmare. Only your moronic peers can make this worse.

They: “How come you sneak into the year 1 lectures?”

I didn't know if I should tell them it was the free tic-tacs they were giving out that made the yr 1 lectures so much better. I thought it was pretty obvious, but apparently JC's are filled with the same idiots in kindergarten.

Despite JC being a kaleidoscope of flunking test and sleeping in lectures, it was also the dawning of my initiation into adulthood. My First Kiss.

I was a late bloomer. I was Lionel Richie at a 100m race, the last off the blocks. I had my first date and we did what every other moronic 17yr olds do in 1998. Take Neo-Prints as a means to comemorate a date. Nothing beats paying $6 for stickers, best if they come with Care Bears. Eventually, I unwittingly became the third party and I did what mature men my age would do. Throw tantrums at the bus stop.

1 year later, I ended up dedicating my life to pleasing one girl. Along this time, I won several awards like “Best BoyFriend of the month” and “Chauffer of the Year”. The result of this was a shrinking social circle. I had been so focused on one piece of ass that I gave up the whole Playboy mansion.

For the next 5 years, I constantly spewed horrible four letter words like, "Love", "Dear" and "Baby". Towards the last year, these became empty brackets that I used for getting her off my back. It became one VERY viable option to shut her up and postpone that dreaded, "I think you don't love me anymore" verbal diarrhea. It buys about a 2 day window period, before she'll wise up and irritate me again.

In between that, we broke up once, for two months and I wasted no time in bathing myself in the river of sin. I hooked up with two girls, one of them is mentioned in the fake boobs story. Had my first one night stand and briefly engaged in an 'incestuous' affair . Oh, you'll love this won't you.. The things I do to make Lucifer smile..

Once that 5 years imprisonment ended, I voluntarily served a 5 months probabtion for abstinence as a means to anesthetize my throbbing conscience. That was until I found out that she was dating someone 3 months later and I resumed affectionately addressing her as 'that bitch' and wasted no time in chalking up my body count.

Whether I meliorated my chances for finding a suitable partner by playing the fields is debatable. I attempted to palliate all my misdemeanour with the stand that while all relationships with me are usually emotional suicide, the consensual party is usually fully aware of my contractual attention and affection.

Spare me your moral castigation. I am your one guilty indulgence, unless it's that chocolate fudge cake. If you are (and you should be) a avid reader of my stories, you'll know a good part of the people I've dated or hooked up with. And if you have a good mind, you'll shower me sparingly with a dose of sympathy for the sheer amount of fuck ups I've encountered. You should love me.

My army life is of no interest to you, all you need know is that I was from a classified unit trained in chemical warfare. And also two other things, I was a half marathon runner for my unit and I probably could do more chin-ups with an 18 kg load then you could with just a pair of shorts. I was famed beneath the horizontal bars and was dubbed the 'chin up machine'.

If any of my men who's been through my training can tell you, it's DON'T fuck with me. I once made them do 100 chinups in sets of 10. None of them could hold a spoon for lunch after that. Just so that you don't think I'm an asshole, my unit works in such.. whatever we make our men do, we have to do it equally or in excess.

The University years were my personal favourite. I got to party every other night, babe watch in the Arts canteen and still be able to pass my exams, albeit marginally. Not like I cared much, I was never made for books. I don't care if my grades sucked, I made it into Uni with an A level score of B C C which is my greatest acedemic achievement.

My only concern was to look pretty in school. I had a final CAP of 2.8 but if you factor in the amount of alcohol consumed and the no. of girls I've hooked up with, I should be presented with First Class Honors. Yes, I'm also aware that I was very prominent in school because of my hair. And one reason why I'm actually only letting my blog circulate recently is because I'm out of there. Hence, my friends will continue to enjoy their share of annoymity.

In NUS, I've met more idiots than my entire schooling history combined. I got picked on sometimes by tutors because of my hair and they loved using me as example for deviancy. Whatever. I still did enough to make one young female tutor like me enough to give me insanely high grades for absolute trash work. My one regret was not bedding her.

Other than that, I hated most of the PRC students and wished the girls had the same calibre as the street-walkers at Geylang. These Chinese exchange students looked like they came out of a Communist refugee camp and haven't been properly introduced to the term 'personal grooming'.

The good thing was that they knew how to operate the flush, but girls with frayed eyebrows and moustache need to be sent to the gallows. Don't get me wrong, I've nothing personal against them, except for them not shaving their armpits (but its a cultural thing). I've dated PRCs before and I think they are great.. in bed. I'll reserve comments for character, since my communication with them is limited and they like me because I'm pretty and they think I'm rich.

I live largely in a superficial reality. My existence is validated only by my intemperance for alcohol, tattoos and subsequent blowjobs on toilet bowls from vomitting. I'm being defined by people who judge me because of my ailing attention span for girl, which is the only thing that is deteriorating faster than my liver. While your definition means nothing to me, your affection does. Better so if it's express with free booze or sex.

I've hooked up with almost every kind of women that is listed in the Woodbridge Institute of Mental Health Escapee list. Maybe one of them in that tally was a man. Well because shit happens and we can never be too sure but its too late for mind fucks. I greatly require people now to show me paper identification. We have to protect yourselves from the greatest enemy that is lurking in society, ESTROGEN injections.

The one depression in my life was being arrested for drunk driving. I've wrote about this so go read if you haven't. The consequence to this is taking public transport and realising how much life sucks without a car. I eventually woke up deciding to leave this place and booked a ticket to Australia. My friends thought I was mad to leave during school term. Best Decision Ever.

I came back for my exams and got an F for an essay I submitted earlier. Like all students who pride their work, I went to beg for moderation of grades. I got rejected, by that fuck ass of a scholar tutor. Only naturally so because he was gay and I had yet to offer my virginal ass for auction at Happy.

I graduated with mixed feelings, mostly due to the reluctance to have my hair cut. I'm now only half as pretty as I was before. I'm no longer as affected since most prefer the way I look now because I look more boyish than pretty. The only thing I miss is the amount of attention I draw when I had long hair.

I'm currently planning suicide because my work environment sucks. My colleagues hold a daily forum on baby milk powder and diapers. I slit my wrist constantly while taking a dump in the toilet because smelling my shit while dying is more pleasurable then hearing their joke of an English language.

They say things like,

"Consificate" : Con-si-fi-cate

Do you even know what's that? It's confiscate. You think it's hilarious, wait till you hear her say it twice in a sentence, 5 times an hour.

"Procheat" : pro-cheat

This one's simple. It's proceed. Raise your hands if you got this right. You are obviously smarter than me cos I had to 'huh' her 3 times before I realised what she was trying to say. Then I ran off to the toilet laughing. I don't know what's better. Laughing to death or just killing her.

That's me.

16 Comments:

At 2:04 AM, Blogger Ecstasy said...

I will conciscate all your booze man!

 
At 8:14 AM, Anonymous ah pui said...

nicely done.

although now people are just going to write you off as an idiot who's making up for lost time.

 
At 10:13 AM, Blogger The Butterfly said...

No matter, I can do in one week what others take one year to do.

because,

I'm me

 
At 10:13 AM, Blogger sÞ¡ηηєє said...

hahaha wonderful piece of art u have here... why i can't stop laughing (not jeering, but it's so funny) at your life?

on the serious note, u'll still look pretty with/without that hair of urs ... and time to re-think about that job of urs.. it's just NOT YOU!

 
At 3:07 PM, Blogger The Horny Bitch said...

At least urs are diapers. I used to to work in a NTUC vs Shop n Save environment with m'sian accented hokkien..

 
At 4:56 PM, Blogger averagedrinker said...

quite good. there are a lot of people around who are highly pressured in life and career. like me for instance, chatting on webdate*dot*com doesn't mean i'm a slut but what i do there is purely conversational. it takes a lot of effort for people to see how i do in my life. life isn't all about the good times and the laughs.

 
At 2:47 PM, Blogger Cassandra3383 said...

I agree with averagedrinker... I do a bit of online dating over at webdate too and that doesn't mean I'm either a slut or a loser...I personally think it's a good way to meet different people that's all...

 
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