Monday, August 07, 2006

Rounding up the Lifestory

Since you absolutely love me and I love me, I shall award this commonality with the continuation of my lifestory.

For those of you who haven't been reading enough of the past stories, you really need to drop your Quantum Physics text and pay attention to my stories. I'm the remedy to your social detachment. Reading my blog gets you a better chance of getting laid than reading how atomic particles react. My rule is simple. Any read without the mention of alcohol or sex in 5 lines is classified under bullshit, unless it's Harry Potter.

My first year in JC was absolutely horrible. Naturally, the only outcome to this was flunking the finals and retaining. Ironically, this turned out to be the BEST life altering experience EVER.

The lecturers did a great job in putting us down. I don’t blame them. The only thing that beats kicking someone when they’re down, is doing it daily in front of 300 students. That’s the education system for you. Just lovely.

I did Economics and for an entire year, and I never understood the laws of demand. I didn’t see why prices should rise with demand when everything should be given to me free, with seconds. I also didn’t understand why Convent girls had problems keeping their legs together when they sat.

Retaining in JC for the first couple months was a recurring nightmare. Only your moronic peers can make this worse.

They: “How come you sneak into the year 1 lectures?”

I didn't know if I should tell them it was the free tic-tacs they were giving out that made the yr 1 lectures so much better. I thought it was pretty obvious, but apparently JC's are filled with the same idiots in kindergarten.

Despite JC being a kaleidoscope of flunking test and sleeping in lectures, it was also the dawning of my initiation into adulthood. My First Kiss.

I was a late bloomer. I was Lionel Richie at a 100m race, the last off the blocks. I had my first date and we did what every other moronic 17yr olds do in 1998. Take Neo-Prints as a means to comemorate a date. Nothing beats paying $6 for stickers, best if they come with Care Bears. Eventually, I unwittingly became the third party and I did what mature men my age would do. Throw tantrums at the bus stop.

1 year later, I ended up dedicating my life to pleasing one girl. Along this time, I won several awards like “Best BoyFriend of the month” and “Chauffer of the Year”. The result of this was a shrinking social circle. I had been so focused on one piece of ass that I gave up the whole Playboy mansion.

For the next 5 years, I constantly spewed horrible four letter words like, "Love", "Dear" and "Baby". Towards the last year, these became empty brackets that I used for getting her off my back. It became one VERY viable option to shut her up and postpone that dreaded, "I think you don't love me anymore" verbal diarrhea. It buys about a 2 day window period, before she'll wise up and irritate me again.

In between that, we broke up once, for two months and I wasted no time in bathing myself in the river of sin. I hooked up with two girls, one of them is mentioned in the fake boobs story. Had my first one night stand and briefly engaged in an 'incestuous' affair . Oh, you'll love this won't you.. The things I do to make Lucifer smile..

Once that 5 years imprisonment ended, I voluntarily served a 5 months probabtion for abstinence as a means to anesthetize my throbbing conscience. That was until I found out that she was dating someone 3 months later and I resumed affectionately addressing her as 'that bitch' and wasted no time in chalking up my body count.

Whether I meliorated my chances for finding a suitable partner by playing the fields is debatable. I attempted to palliate all my misdemeanour with the stand that while all relationships with me are usually emotional suicide, the consensual party is usually fully aware of my contractual attention and affection.

Spare me your moral castigation. I am your one guilty indulgence, unless it's that chocolate fudge cake. If you are (and you should be) a avid reader of my stories, you'll know a good part of the people I've dated or hooked up with. And if you have a good mind, you'll shower me sparingly with a dose of sympathy for the sheer amount of fuck ups I've encountered. You should love me.

My army life is of no interest to you, all you need know is that I was from a classified unit trained in chemical warfare. And also two other things, I was a half marathon runner for my unit and I probably could do more chin-ups with an 18 kg load then you could with just a pair of shorts. I was famed beneath the horizontal bars and was dubbed the 'chin up machine'.

If any of my men who's been through my training can tell you, it's DON'T fuck with me. I once made them do 100 chinups in sets of 10. None of them could hold a spoon for lunch after that. Just so that you don't think I'm an asshole, my unit works in such.. whatever we make our men do, we have to do it equally or in excess.

The University years were my personal favourite. I got to party every other night, babe watch in the Arts canteen and still be able to pass my exams, albeit marginally. Not like I cared much, I was never made for books. I don't care if my grades sucked, I made it into Uni with an A level score of B C C which is my greatest acedemic achievement.

My only concern was to look pretty in school. I had a final CAP of 2.8 but if you factor in the amount of alcohol consumed and the no. of girls I've hooked up with, I should be presented with First Class Honors. Yes, I'm also aware that I was very prominent in school because of my hair. And one reason why I'm actually only letting my blog circulate recently is because I'm out of there. Hence, my friends will continue to enjoy their share of annoymity.

In NUS, I've met more idiots than my entire schooling history combined. I got picked on sometimes by tutors because of my hair and they loved using me as example for deviancy. Whatever. I still did enough to make one young female tutor like me enough to give me insanely high grades for absolute trash work. My one regret was not bedding her.

Other than that, I hated most of the PRC students and wished the girls had the same calibre as the street-walkers at Geylang. These Chinese exchange students looked like they came out of a Communist refugee camp and haven't been properly introduced to the term 'personal grooming'.

The good thing was that they knew how to operate the flush, but girls with frayed eyebrows and moustache need to be sent to the gallows. Don't get me wrong, I've nothing personal against them, except for them not shaving their armpits (but its a cultural thing). I've dated PRCs before and I think they are great.. in bed. I'll reserve comments for character, since my communication with them is limited and they like me because I'm pretty and they think I'm rich.

I live largely in a superficial reality. My existence is validated only by my intemperance for alcohol, tattoos and subsequent blowjobs on toilet bowls from vomitting. I'm being defined by people who judge me because of my ailing attention span for girl, which is the only thing that is deteriorating faster than my liver. While your definition means nothing to me, your affection does. Better so if it's express with free booze or sex.

I've hooked up with almost every kind of women that is listed in the Woodbridge Institute of Mental Health Escapee list. Maybe one of them in that tally was a man. Well because shit happens and we can never be too sure but its too late for mind fucks. I greatly require people now to show me paper identification. We have to protect yourselves from the greatest enemy that is lurking in society, ESTROGEN injections.

The one depression in my life was being arrested for drunk driving. I've wrote about this so go read if you haven't. The consequence to this is taking public transport and realising how much life sucks without a car. I eventually woke up deciding to leave this place and booked a ticket to Australia. My friends thought I was mad to leave during school term. Best Decision Ever.

I came back for my exams and got an F for an essay I submitted earlier. Like all students who pride their work, I went to beg for moderation of grades. I got rejected, by that fuck ass of a scholar tutor. Only naturally so because he was gay and I had yet to offer my virginal ass for auction at Happy.

I graduated with mixed feelings, mostly due to the reluctance to have my hair cut. I'm now only half as pretty as I was before. I'm no longer as affected since most prefer the way I look now because I look more boyish than pretty. The only thing I miss is the amount of attention I draw when I had long hair.

I'm currently planning suicide because my work environment sucks. My colleagues hold a daily forum on baby milk powder and diapers. I slit my wrist constantly while taking a dump in the toilet because smelling my shit while dying is more pleasurable then hearing their joke of an English language.

They say things like,

"Consificate" : Con-si-fi-cate

Do you even know what's that? It's confiscate. You think it's hilarious, wait till you hear her say it twice in a sentence, 5 times an hour.

"Procheat" : pro-cheat

This one's simple. It's proceed. Raise your hands if you got this right. You are obviously smarter than me cos I had to 'huh' her 3 times before I realised what she was trying to say. Then I ran off to the toilet laughing. I don't know what's better. Laughing to death or just killing her.

That's me.


At 2:04 AM, Blogger Ecstasy said...

I will conciscate all your booze man!

At 8:14 AM, Anonymous ah pui said...

nicely done.

although now people are just going to write you off as an idiot who's making up for lost time.

At 10:13 AM, Blogger The Butterfly said...

No matter, I can do in one week what others take one year to do.


I'm me

At 10:13 AM, Blogger sÞ¡ηηєє said...

hahaha wonderful piece of art u have here... why i can't stop laughing (not jeering, but it's so funny) at your life?

on the serious note, u'll still look pretty with/without that hair of urs ... and time to re-think about that job of urs.. it's just NOT YOU!

At 3:07 PM, Blogger The Horny Bitch said...

At least urs are diapers. I used to to work in a NTUC vs Shop n Save environment with m'sian accented hokkien..

At 4:56 PM, Blogger averagedrinker said...

quite good. there are a lot of people around who are highly pressured in life and career. like me for instance, chatting on webdate*dot*com doesn't mean i'm a slut but what i do there is purely conversational. it takes a lot of effort for people to see how i do in my life. life isn't all about the good times and the laughs.

At 2:47 PM, Blogger Cassandra3383 said...

I agree with averagedrinker... I do a bit of online dating over at webdate too and that doesn't mean I'm either a slut or a loser...I personally think it's a good way to meet different people that's all...

At 10:39 AM, Blogger oakleyses said...

louis vuitton, oakley sunglasses, ugg boots, oakley sunglasses, nike outlet, prada handbags, ugg boots, michael kors outlet, kate spade outlet, ray ban sunglasses, louis vuitton outlet, uggs on sale, oakley sunglasses, christian louboutin outlet, ray ban sunglasses, tiffany and co, michael kors outlet, oakley sunglasses, gucci outlet, tiffany jewelry, michael kors, michael kors outlet, louboutin shoes, louis vuitton, michael kors outlet, polo ralph lauren outlet, ugg boots, replica watches, burberry outlet online, cheap oakley sunglasses, jordan shoes, nike air max, nike free, longchamp, replica watches, nike air max, chanel handbags, michael kors outlet, louboutin, louis vuitton outlet, burberry, louis vuitton

At 10:44 AM, Blogger oakleyses said...

louboutin pas cher, coach purses, hogan, michael kors, sac longchamp, lacoste pas cher, true religion jeans, vanessa bruno, abercrombie and fitch, coach outlet, sac guess, hermes, ralph lauren pas cher, coach factory outlet, michael kors, lululemon, nike blazer, nike air max, nike free, ralph lauren uk, air force, new balance pas cher, air jordan pas cher, true religion jeans, converse pas cher, nike roshe, north face, true religion jeans, ray ban pas cher, vans pas cher, nike roshe run, michael kors, michael kors, ray ban uk, nike free run uk, oakley pas cher, hollister pas cher, nike air max, nike air max, timberland, kate spade handbags, tn pas cher, coach outlet, longchamp pas cher, air max, north face, mulberry, burberry, true religion outlet, hollister

At 10:48 AM, Blogger oakleyses said...

babyliss, north face outlet, north face outlet, giuseppe zanotti, s5 cases, nike roshe, louboutin, baseball bats, valentino shoes, beats by dre, ferragamo shoes, iphone 6 plus cases, ipad cases, bottega veneta, iphone 6s cases, hollister, mont blanc, nike huarache, birkin bag, iphone 6s plus cases, chi flat iron, vans shoes, nfl jerseys, soccer shoes, mcm handbags, hollister, abercrombie and fitch, instyler, timberland boots, lululemon, ralph lauren, new balance, soccer jerseys, celine handbags, jimmy choo shoes, herve leger, nike trainers, reebok shoes, iphone cases, insanity workout, oakley, p90x workout, longchamp, wedding dresses, asics running shoes, iphone 5s cases, iphone 6 cases, nike air max, ghd, mac cosmetics

At 10:52 AM, Blogger oakleyses said...

ugg boots uk, converse outlet, lancel, gucci, swarovski crystal, hollister, barbour, moncler, nike air max, canada goose outlet, links of london, ugg pas cher, converse, ugg,ugg australia,ugg italia, barbour jackets, pandora charms, pandora charms, sac louis vuitton pas cher, pandora jewelry, vans, louis vuitton, moncler, canada goose, swarovski, canada goose uk, juicy couture outlet, canada goose, karen millen, moncler, louis vuitton, canada goose outlet, louis vuitton, moncler, canada goose, coach outlet, michael kors outlet online, montre pas cher, michael kors handbags, supra shoes, toms shoes, wedding dresses, moncler, doke gabbana outlet, moncler, louis vuitton, pandora jewelry, juicy couture outlet, ugg,uggs,uggs canada

At 8:56 AM, Blogger 艾丰 said...

michael kors outlet store
cheap oakley sunglasses
nba jerseys wholesale
uggs on sale
michael kors handbags,michael kors outlet,michael kors,kors outlet,michael kors outlet online,michael kors outlet online sale,michael kors handbags clearance,michael kors purses,,michael kors bags,michael kors shoes,michaelkors,cheap michael kors
ralph lauren sale
air jordan shoes
futbol baratas
michael kors handbags,michael kors outlet,michael kors outlet online,michael kors,kors outlet,michael kors outlet online sale,michael kors handbags clearance,michael kors purses,,michael kors bags,michael kors shoes,michaelkors,cheap michael kors
cheap jordans
nhl jerseys wholesale
ugg outlet
north face outlet online
michael kors usa
louis vuitton outlet
cleveland cavaliers
football shirts uk,soccer jerseys uk,cheap soccer jerseys uk
new orleans saints
converse sneakers
michael kors outlet online
oklahoma city thunder
cheap oakley sunglasses
oakley outlet online
snapback hats
christian louboutin
moncler coats
ugg outlet store
michael kors handbags sale
louis vuitton bags on sale
polo ralph lauren uk

At 10:15 AM, Blogger Minko Chen said...

ralph lauren uk
ugg clearance
canada goose outlet
pandora outlet
tiffany outlet
oakley,occhiali oakley,oakley italia,oakley occhiali,oakley sunglasses
cheap oakley sunglasses
basketball shoes,basketball sneakers,lebron james shoes,sports shoes,kobe bryant shoes,kobe sneakers,nike basketball shoes,running shoes,mens sport shoes,nike shoes
nike foamposite
mont blanc pens
longchamp handbags outlet
coach outlet
supra shoes
michael kors outlet
ferragamo shoes
louis vuitton outlet store
converse shoes
louis vuitton handbags
hermes outlet
the north face outlet

At 3:58 PM, Blogger said...

ray ban sunglasses
tods shoes
louis vuitton outlet
kobe shoes 11
louis vuitton outlet
oakley sunglasses
coach factory outlet
marc jacobs
cheap jordans
gucci outlet
louis vuitton
cheap oakleys
ray bans
coach outlet store online
jordan 3 infrared
michael kors outlet
tods outlet
louis vuitton bags
toms outlet
adidas ultra boost
nike sb shoes
michael kors handbags
christian louboutin shoes
louis vuitton handbags
adidas trainers
abercrombie & fitch
pandora jewelry
coach outlet store online
polo ralph lauren
christian louboutin outlet
cheap oakley sunglasses
air jordans
adidas shoes
hollister clothing
ray bans
cartier watches
coach factory outlet
michael kors outlet
jordan 8s

At 7:33 PM, Blogger Smile Arrow said...

Smilearrow Find best products values got thousands of online top most bought items key points, rankings, price, photos lot of cool stuff to get from

At 1:08 PM, Blogger Best Basketball Shoes said...

In 2019, Adidas and Under Armour took most of the places in top 10. The Best Basketball Shoes doesn’t only depend on the shoe but also on the player. Be tricky enough in choosing your best fit.


Post a Comment

<< Home