Wednesday, July 02, 2008

Hong Kong Pt 2 - The Choice

There were only two real eligibles who I knew would commit to a foray under my sheets – or maybe the sofa, and it now entirely boiled down to the one with the highest marginal success rate. More often than not, your best bet isn’t about who you want to head home with, but who really wants to go back with you and this was a common premise that would serve as the canon for my filtering process.

Since they both had their tongues down my throat and made their interest equally vocal, I did a quick mental evaluation.

Mickey was younger, prettier, spoke better English but she had one friend who was drunk and needed some attention. I could score with her but I might also be cock-blocked by her pissed drunk friend who might need babysitting duties, which includes a cab ride back.

Jane, on the other hand, was less attractive but had a great ass and smile, came with a group of friends and had her arms round me, which I took it as a territorial decree of me as a taken property. The final confirmation of this was her reluctance to leave with her friends for supper.

And I was going to reward that.

The choice became clear and though my eyes – and dick – would have made a more fastidious vote for superficiality, time only further corroborated my decision. Well, that much held true when it came to heading back to the hotel, but the composition of bedroom etiquettes changed and doubt began to loom my choice.

Naturally, I knew that having a girl come back to your hotel and eventually having sex, was akin to playing chess with meth induced mentally spastic 3 year olds. It’s a sure win, but there is always that pinhole pocket of failure.

Very seldom would a girl agree to go back with a total stranger and abstain from sex. It’s 2008, condoms come in new flavours, the ozone is still depleting and conservatism is fighting a losing battle with promiscuity. Women know the full consequence of their acquiesce to head back to a man’s hotel room.

No one heads back to just play scrabble, watch TV or ‘get to know’ each other better. These can be branded as vulgar foreplays, but it should in finality climax to intercourse. This is especially so when I am a tourist and these women know fairly well that I will probably never meet them again in the near future, so I cannot imagine why any of them would want to take the ‘relationship’ beyond a one night stand.

Jane was great in helping me find the way back to the hotel, removing my belt and finding the light switch, but her list of greats ended at that. For one, she took a long time to warm up again and instead of whispering sweet nothings like, ‘let’s shower’ or ‘doggy’, she kept assuring me of inconsequential things.

Jane: “I have never done this before
Me: “What? Sex?
Jane: “No! Going home with a man I just knew in a club!”
Me: “Me neither.”

She didn’t think it was funny.

Jane: “I hope you don’t think I’m that easy.”

At that point of time, I was already slightly tipsy and struggling to unhook her bra.

Me: “Seriously, I’m only thinking of how to get this off now. You can say that to me again later and I’ll process it again.”
Jane: “What?! Let’s just sleep then.”

Like now?! Like when I’m almost done with your hook? Like when I just conquered alcohol and regained my erection? Like when I have to fly off in 4 hours? Cruelty is a harsh reality to swallow, even when you are drunk.

I lay there buried in regret. If only I had picked Mickey, I might already be in Disneyland by now. If only I learnt to sweet talk more and not be such a wise ass. If only I learnt to lie more.

Jane: “Did you take anyone back to your hotel?

And that was my window for a comeback. This was where I would infuse white lies into my game, where I would deviate from the truth with ambiguous remarks instead and where I would hopefully get closure.

Me: “What? You do know I just got here yesterday right?

Now, technically it's not a lie, I just didn’t answer her question, but posed another question in return that would shape her perception of my answer. I am sneaky, but it worked and it almost immediately broke her reservations – or it could be the tongue running down her neck, or my finger down south – but it worked.

The downside was that this girl was a total vanilla. She had never given a blowjob and looked like she was determined to die an oral virgin. She didn’t know how to ride and she nearly fell over me. The only saving grace was that it was a novelty of sorts to me, because I have never had a girl moan or issue me instructions in Cantonese before, so a quarter of the time I had no idea what she was saying.

10 minutes later, Yang and Palmer started banging on my door, right in the middle of me going in hard.

She: “There is someone at your door!”
Me: “There isn’t anyone at the door, it’s just the TV.”

More banging on the door followed.

She: “No, I really think it’s your door.”
Yang: [from outside] “FUCK HER HARD!!!”
Me: “Hmm okay, I think you may be right.”

When it ended, she started sulking as I got down to packing my stuff. I, of course tried to ignore it as much as I could because I knew the best way to kill any attachment she had for me, was to come off as an asshole, and I’m great at being one.

She: “Don’t go. Stay here with me.”
Me: “I’d love to, but I can’t cos it'll break alot of hearts back home. Go grab your stuff, I have to get going soon.”

I started grabbing her bag for her, along with her makeup kit in the toilet, while she picked up her clothes littered around the bed. I picked up a scrunchie and threw it on the bed.

Me: “Don’t forget this.”

It caught me entirely by surprise, but it was pretty obvious that I had blown the cover and pretty much shot myself in the foot, even though it was after the war.

Me: “Damn room services, are they leaving their stuff behind again?

Edit: I'll post the peripheral stories here. Add to read.


At 1:27 PM, Blogger The Horny Bitch said...

ahhahah! That was a great one being an asshole unknowingly.

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