Thursday, March 04, 2010

Faking The Stag Night

Have you wondered how profitable a night out at the clubs can get? It takes a lie, a lot of guts – or alcohol -, friends, minus your shirt and inhibitions and you have yourself an avenue for spare change.

Last Friday, inspired by the routine Hen’s night of peddling dares and services, we decided to doth dignity, honesty and all things orthodox for an attempt to make financial sense of a Stag night. Even if it was a fake one.

Couple months back, we were at Zouk and there was this group of ladies celebrating a Hen’s night and they were selling hugs and kisses for $2. Not quite as lucrative as your carpark blowjobs, but these were women who looked like they’ve been through worse times in World War II.

So, based on the sole motion of sympathy dollars that people give to you just because it’s the last night of singlehood and not because they truly give a shit about your hugs, we decided to milk generosity for all it’s worth.

The plan was simple. We were going to pretend that it was Nana’s Stag night and sell lap dances or any non explicit favours for a price. So we armed ourselves with a blackboard baring our purpose, hid conscience in our pockets and headed for the clubs.

When we got to the first club, we realized two things; people lack a sense of humour and the people there are so cheap, they would have made Scrouge look like Warren Buffet. The only thing cheaper was a box of air.

One girl offered us $2 to take a photo with two transsexuals. Another gave us $2 because we kept hounding them. And in that space of half an hour, the lady crushing empty cans would have made more than us.

Me: “This place sucks. We should go to a gay club. You need the pink dollar in times like these.”

And it made perfect sense. Where else would people pay to see men bar top dance? Where else can we be topless and still have people cheer on our cellulite? Where else would people be sporting enough to encourage decadence?

It was a toss up between a prison and a gay club. But between communal male showers with sodomy and alcohol with potentially decent music, the choice was clear enough for even Ray Charles to see.

As soon as we got in, we started parading our blacklkboard proudly, without decorum or shame, but a brash flaunt of willingness to partake in debauchery. After all, we had it declared boldly in words.

Favours for sale. Ask for free quote.”

Then pandemonium erupted. Poca was aggressively selling off our bartop services, kisses – with men included -, but largely just the need for us to remove our shirts.

It soon became clear that this was the place of champions. $2 notes became obsolete, and $10 became the order of the day with one guy even throwing in $50. All I needed was a cleavage and a cool dance routine to qualify as a stripper.

Is this what it feels like to get paid to take off my clothes? This is the easiest cash I’ve earned since lying about being a tuition teacher. I love it. I have lost all sympathy for strippers because I bet they love it too.

There was no room for conscience to call out to us, not when there was money to be made and drinks to be skulled. Maybe we shouldn't have lied about the stag night, or charity. Maybe this is breaching the lines of morality, but I was only going to address and acknowledge this before we hit $20.

But Butterfly, did you say charity? But isn’t that in part blasphemous to taint the great name of charity? If NKF and Ren Chi can do it, we can do it better. I’ve always said I was an asshole, did you really expect better of me?

It’s not like people truly give a shit if the money was going to some shoeless kid in Ethiopia, because poverty is going to make him run to school everyday and that’s going to win him an Olympic medal someday, unless he steps on a landmine.

People are paying us because they know we are cheap and they want us to take off our shirts and watch us make a fool of ourselves in the club. And we are smart enough to exploit that.

Obviously, there were also other straight men in the club who wanted Poca to participate in the bet. I know they were straight because any man who will pay to see female tits is either straight, drunk or a complete moron.

By the time we left there, we were $162 richer and half a liver poorer. If I had diligently sat through finance classes in University, I would say this was a great bargain.

Now, what mischief should we have this Friday..

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