And Here, Lies

People say relationships are based on trust, but that’s just a moral consensus to attenuate the subliminal value of lies, so that we see it in a desecrated shell embodying all that is negative and detrimental to a relationship.

I’ve never been a huge fan of moral propaganda and you shouldn’t too, because if we all stuck to that moral compass, humans would never have discovered life treasures like pot, nudist beaches, vodka and ass rims.

If you shed beliefs, denial and fairytales and actually deconstructed this delicate frame we call ‘relationships’ you’ll slowly appreciate the value of lies, because not only is it intrinsic it’s also positive at times – except for when someone has a cock in the mouth and lies about it.

You don’t need a ratiocinative microscope to understand that lies are more prevalent in relationships than orgasms. In perspective, the chances of you being in a lie-free relationship is like putting a leatherback turtle hatchling with a clipped flipper in the middle of the Sahara desert and bet it makes it to Siloso beach for ZoukOut.

If you are going to argue with me on this, then let me make it clear that relationships with your right hand, dildo or dog isn’t counted as one, unless you are fucking your dog – then I don’t really wish to argue with you to begin with.

You see, if trust builds a relationship, then lies sustain it when everything from love, sex and erections have fallen out the equation.

And this is anything from blind compliments to faking orgasms. Anything that soothes the ego and pleasing to the ears. Anything that stops a nag, quells an argument or explains an erectile dysfunction.

The healthy portion of these lies are what we call ‘White Lies’ and if you think about it, it’s like bull’s shit. At first you think it’s horrible, then you realize it’s healthy for the plants but they still stink when you fall into it.

Lies are a staple in any relationship that involves communication. It’s a realm where trivialities get swept under the carpet so that there is less shouting to be done in the day, like lying about how food taste, about doing the dishes, about feeding the dog, about sleeping with the neighbour and any other daily routine.

Just the other night, I was having a debate with Liz about men and what horrible creatures they are. Well, I would have agreed, just for the fact that she didn’t seem to realize that there was this other species called women that are equally bad.

I sometimes snigger when people make it seem that lying is a defective gene found only in the male chromosome, just like shoe obsession is with women. Unfortunately, if lying is a birth right for males, then females have taken that exclusivity from us, because if you haven’t noticed, women are lying like it’s on sale.

If you disagree, you need to burn your feminist self help books and stop your self-denial medication, or if you are a guy reading this with a girl then it’s because you are trying to get into her pants. Then that will be proof that lies are the immovable pillars of any relationship.

Let’s put it in perspective. The day any relationship is free of lies, is the day Clay Aiken fucks a girl – a real girl, and not one that resembles a man. That day will come when Singapore is ruled by opposition or when Whales say no to a buffet.

So when there really isn’t a way to take it out of the equation, the only option we really have is to live by it, and learn that the best way to handle lies isn’t with a quick knife to the gut or knee to the balls, but to trust that lies perhaps play a greater role than we know in relationship building.

After all, some moron once said that what doesn’t kill you, only makes you stronger. I say, what you lose, perhaps really isn’t worth it to begin with.