Friday, January 08, 2010

Goodbye 2009, Hello 2010

Despite my lack of posts, 2009 was actually a pretty eventful year and largely in a good way. For starts, I think I’ve had more sober nights this year than any year over the last 5 years.

My propensity for getting stabbed by a barstool and thrown out the bar has dipped to about the same level as the likelihood of Stevie Wonder peeping in an examination. Yes, I’ve been saintly - well, relatively at least.

So as I would traditionally, here is 2009 in a highlight reel – but in words of course.

1. Poca

If you’ve been an avid reader, then you’d know that this was the year I settled into a committed relationship. Not my month long commitment, but an actual relationship where I am willing to do things beyond my normal comprehension like, sharing the remote control, cooking dinner and admitting the word, ‘love’.

This is as big a change in life for me as it would be for Mariah Carey if she had to rap for the rest of her life, or if Angelina Jolie was told that she could not adopt any more kids because they ran out of Third World kids for her.

But there’s always a price for happiness and I found mine.

2. Macau with LB

This turned out to be our last travel misadventure of the year. If you’ve read my travelogues, you would know that I have a very storied history with LB when it comes to travelling fuck ups.

We’ve missed the plane, been on countless times late for flights, had our coach rammed through a checkpoint and this time the flight actually didn’t come and we got stuck in the cold for 6 fucking hours - during which time Korea would have united and blue-ray turned obsolete.

It had all the makings of a typical trip; problems with flights, disaster hook ups that ended with me being kicked out the house, silly escapades fuelled by boredom and a lot of alcohol that ended with us taking a taxi trip round Macau to sight-see all brothels – and use their toilets and piss them off no less.

It was also the first time I actually had shark’s fins and steam Soon Hock for breakfast. The trip cost me so much, I almost had to sell my organs.

3. Japan

This was a great trip with Poca that unfortunately will always be remembered for one incident and that was the $430 cab ride. Yes, that will go down as the single most expensive cab ride of my life and it didn’t even come with a handjob.

I also realized that the girls there in general do not look as good as they do in porn but thankfully short skirts are still very much the order of the day.

And Japanese pole dancers are so good they make every other pole dancer look like they are in epileptic seizure holding the pole as a walking stick. They are so awesome that their awesomeness rubs off on the pole and you can auction it in for a Bentley.

4. Twins

My sister gave birth to twins this year. It’s funny how people always tend to ask if there’s a history of twins in the family lineage and they get puzzled when there isn’t. Hey shitheads, it’s got to start somewhere right, how do you think the first twins in history came about? A photocopy from God?

So it basically means that it’s double the presents, or half the cost?

5. Embarrassing Club Moment

You know how it is when you misread a body gesture and react inappropriately to it? No? I do. Some time back, I was chatting with this girl at the club. I remembered a lot of flirting and a lot more vodka.

There were the subtle social cues like the running her hands down my arms and the patting my chest between every joke or remark I made, that if it was translated to sound, would be like the unhooking of her bra or unzipping of pants.

It was the very same vibe that I knew I had charmed her enough to still have her number even if I told her I was a teratophile and that I still wet my bed every morning.

Then for some reason she inched forward and with vodka, somehow my reflex action was to launch forward to kiss her.

Worst.Reaction.Ever

She: “What the fuck?”

Needless to say, she wasn’t anticipating that and it took her almost entirely by surprise. And I kid you not, those were her immediate words exactly.

6. Worst Drunk Moment

I’ve hardly had much of these this year, but there was one night we were out partying so hard, I spent almost the entire night puking.; right outside the cab, outside my porch, right to the toilet – were I fell asleep

I was puking so much that if it was chunkier, it would have passed off as congee and you could have fed all of Somalia with it.

7. Best Party

There were good ones alright, but not even Armin or Freedom in Malacca was anywhere as awesome as the Red Bull Sub Zero Underground party. Imagine partying in a sub zero environment with insane Trance and an endless flow of free alcohol.

It was rocking so hard, it would have gotten a Priest up on the tables to dance, and you wouldn’t even need a naked young boy to bait him.

8. Worst Parties

There were a couple of incredibly bad ones that came with so much promise but delivered an impact much like Justin Timberlake would in politics, like UnderWorld and Gatecrasher. They sucked so badly they would have killed Ronald McDonald’s smile.

The turnout was horrible for starts and it looked like there were more people at a Mango sale than at the party. What do you call dancing at an empty venue?

A waste of time.

9. First Publication

2009 was the first time I had a post under my Butterfly moniker published and you can read it in Rhythm Magazine – The Butter Factory’s bi-monthly mag. I have a regular page running and it is a ‘Survival Guide’ of sorts.

If you don’t have access to the magazine, then you have to make some serious considerations on what you have been reading and what you can do to make sure you get your hands on a copy. Or alternatively, you can read about the magazine article in my Facebook Groups.

And because it’s 2009, I’ve kept it to 9 highlights – I’m also equally guilty of being lazy of thinking.

So 2010, and I’ve got a whole list of positive things I want to do, which includes trying to clock a decent 6 hour sleep and to giggle instead of laughing at the Paralympics.

Oh, and I will write more.

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