Monday, August 10, 2009

The One With The Butterfly

I have a rival; a namesake that has been commercialized and capable of getting a girl into that convulsive utopian state of induced orgasm – something where even I fail at times.

Poca: “Stacy got me a Butterfly

Our conversation was clear, concise and beating on a mutual understanding that we weren’t talking about brooches or hairpins, insects or swim strokes. It was something right off the shelf of a sex novelty shop and something I knew that if proved adequately effective, was going to bench the penis for a full season and only going to be substituted back in when the batteries ran flat.

We had no idea what it was, only that it was ironically called ‘the butterfly’. And my mind went on another carnival of vivid imaginations on how it would look like and how it functioned. I made a small protest over drinks with them that went unchallenged.

Me: “I hope you didn’t get Poca a dildo, because that is going to retire the penis.”

Men in general do not grasp the looming threat these toys pose. They destroy relationships and cut your sex frequency exponentially. This is like Coke finding out about Pepsi, like Sampras making a comeback. And there the government is scratching their heads over declining birth rates when the problem is being commodified and made for easy purchase.

The only people that really need a dildo are Whales, because any self respecting – and sober – man will not and should not be fucking them. And the only things that will be in their general virginal region, are sanitary pads, toilet paper and bacteria.

Stacy: “It’s not a dildo.”

I didn’t follow much after that, except that I distinctively remembered words like, ‘batteries’, ‘enjoy’ and a lot of girlish laughter.

When we got back, Poca was excited about unwrapping the present. It was something made of rubber and shaped like a butterfly. And all I thought was, “this is an odd shaped dildo”. How was anyone supposed to use this? Was I supposed to insert this? Maybe it’s to be strapped on? Do I throw it at her?

Then we figured out the wires and how it was connected to an external remote. Now the ‘batteries’ part were all beginning to make perfect sense and for that, I was going to sacrifice two sacred grails in my life, my TV and cable remote.

Usually under no circumstances would I remove the batteries from the remote, because that is like taking life away from me itself, and I cannot imagine the day without the luxury of channel surfing, but this was at 4am, I had my pants off and my erection had priority over HBO.

As soon as we had it operating, we realized how it worked. It was a butterfly with flickering feelers that was its primary point of stimulation. The only worry was that it was vibrating so strongly on its own, just holding it felt like I was having Parkinson’s.

Poca: “Is that the slowest?!”

It was, but it could also have passed off as a seismograph. This wasn’t a contraption that was premised on rocket science to work, so I knew what needed to be done. I was going to place the vibrating feelers between her legs so that it would stimulate the clit and hopefully we can a good enough orgasm. Simple.

So I worked this methodically. Clothes off? Checked. Legs spread? Checked. Vibrator functional? Checked. Put vibrator on clit? Checked. Get kneed in the head? Did not see that coming.

The vibrator was so ticklish and her reflex reaction to it was so strong that she threw her right knee that connected impeccably to my head, flinging it back. I dropped the vibrator and begun clutching my head in pain, while she continued giggling and shaking herself off from the tickle.

Poca: “HAHAHAHAHA! Damn ticklish lah! HAHAHAHA!!”
Me: [clutching head] “You kneed me in the head..”
Poca: “Damn ticklish!!”
Me: “Damn pain..”

I don’t suppose anyone thought that this would be the derived outcome, especially not Stacy who had been so sure she was that catalytic inductor to bringing our sex lives to a new high, one coupled with the merits of sex toys.

Stacy: “So how was it? How was it?”
Me: “I got fucking kneed in the head. What do you think?”

We need to run a petition to get these toys banned.

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