Thursday, April 22, 2010

How To Lose Your Partner in 10 Ways - Pt 1

Life has always been a tedious trial of formulas. Sometimes we get the right equations and we solve life’s greatest mysteries like, happy ever after’s, cure for cancer, reading maps and finding the G-Spot. Thankfully, for anything we can’t solve there is always, cheating, regrets and suicide.

I’ve never believed there was a set of pre-designed blueprint that mapped a successful relationship for everyone. What it was, was a farcical pronunciation of obvious facts that didn’t meliorate the chances of a successful relationship more than it served to preserve one.

It was always about, ‘paying attention’, ‘don’t cheat’, ‘don’t fuck her sister’ and ‘always use a condom’. Sometimes there were also the less interesting points about, ‘good communication’ and ‘maintaining the spark’, that was so obvious, even Ike Turner could have written a book about this.

So instead of another Oprah moment of regurgitating the same shit in different words, let me start on the guide of 10 activities that WILL cause you to lose a partner.

This list can potentially go on for so long, it will make the bible look like a comma, so I’m going to exclude the common ways of losing a partner like accidentally mixing cynide in their coffee, getting syphilis or giving birth to an elf.

1. Salsa

Not many people know this, but Salsa is the dance created by polygamous monks in the 3rd century. It was created to fuel lust and break couples up. If you actually re-arrange the letters, it actually spells ‘Salsa’, which means, ‘Worst Fucking Dance Ever Invented’ in really ancient English.

I know many of you are gasping in horror at this revelation, largely because you are fan of this. I also know for a fact that there is actually a large community for Salsa, which has a popularity somewhere between prawn fishing and sex in the car.

In due credit, I think it’s a cool dance to watch only if the girl hot – and if it isn’t your girlfriend dancing with someone else. It has about the same excitement quotient as watching the our grand-parents in a marathon.

Thing is, Salsa is only cool if both couples are active in the sport – and I call it a sport because I’ve seen people perspire while doing it. It’s the very sensual nature of the dance, which requires so much initmacy that it will never be digested by petty individuals who are not in the scene.

It’s this sheer need for intimacy between partners that has faltered many relationships in it’s illustrious history. It’s a known fact that Salsa has broken up more couples than the Holocaust. And I know this for a fact because I know of many people who have changed partners because of Salsa.

Yes, there are the times when it’s all about the insecure partner, who isn’t in the initiated circle and whose emotions are riled by myopic jealousy and suspicions, and it degenerates into a cataclysmic self-prophesizing. But can you blame them?

Now, everything would be fine if both the couple were to be a part of this carnal circus, so long as there is a mutual undersatnding and trust that any other dance partner has to be uglier. Let’s face it, if someone is touching your partner’s ass, you’d better be touching their’s back.

Salsa is like an orgy, but with tight clothes and songs you would find on a Speedy Gonzales soundtrack. There isn’t a specific partner that you have to dance with and this is one of the select social activites where having a variety of partners isn’t a stigma. This is one of the few times you can actually change partners without worrying about gonorrhea.

So if you are a non Salsa dancer, and at the club because your partner is, I can imagine the joy and intrinsic entertainment value it would be to sit there purposelessly, watching your partner in the arms of another. I just hope you have some awesome games on your iPhone, you’ll need it.

8 years ago, I was in a relationship with a Salsa dancer and it sucked. Not only did she make me go with her to all her dance gatherings, I had to sit through 2 hours of amateurish crap without a drop of alcohol and any hot girl in sight. I would have had more fun watching midgets chop firewood.

If you are looking to keep your relationship alive, pick some other dance activities, like line-dancing or hip-hop; dances that will make you look cool in a community centre or club.

If you ARE looking to end one subtly without the need of slowly increasing your daily cynide dosage for them, then signing up for Salsa is just one click away. You can google it or check out, http://www.worst-fucking-dance-ever-invented.com/.

2. Anything

The worse word to use in a relationship, is ‘Anything’. I believe it is the single most irritating word ever invented since, ‘Nothing’. The only thing more irritating than ‘anything’, is ‘aNyThiNg’.

It isn’t so much that we need to censure indecisiveness, because it can be predicated upon as casualness and in my world, being easy going is a worthy salute. Yet, so often, ‘anything’ is the verbal reflex of our reluctance to think.

90% of ‘Anything’ is never anything, which is statistically equivalent to the amount of times men forget their anniversary dates. The only thing that beats this statistic is when women say ‘nothing’, because it’s NEVER nothing.

Do you know how irritating it is when people say ‘anything’ and they follow that up with a barrage of objections? It pisses me off so badly that mentally I scream ‘Fuck you!’ so loudly, even God hears me.

Anything’ is the least constructive word to a relationship, edging out ‘Okay’ which is a close second. ‘Anything’ should only be used by people who mean what they say, just like when Steve Ch*a says ‘fuck you’ to his maid or when O.J says ‘I’ll kill you’.

It’s like a diseased word that starts you on a path of nonchalance that exacerbates into a routined life where we don’t wish to plan or think constructively. Then soon, that will be the only responses we are willing to muster for our partners and when that happens, it’s only a matter of time before they stab you with a plastic knife.

And eight more to go..

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