Friday, August 19, 2005

A Crazy Bitch

There was this one girl that totally scared the shit out of me so much, that would I actually passed off sex just to be able to get home.

For privacy matters I shall not disclose names or where she works. I'll name her Kay.

I met Kay while having some drinks at a pub with Reznor. Reznor is one of our regular fisherman who attends our vice meetups religiously. Right, so here we are having a drink and happily chatting when Kay intrudes most unceremoniously into my life. She was a bartender and her cleavage was staring right at us as she poured us our drink. I'd say a C, could be a well faked B, but I've been conned way too often to believe everything I see thats supported.

Anyways, Kay was witty to boot. I commented on her being familiar and she shot back.

Me: "You look really familiar.." (no it's not some pickup attempt.. I'm really bad with faces and she looks so familiar.)
Kay: (strikes a DIVA pose) "Maybe in some American Porn movie? "

So, witty gal, nice boobs, a passable ass and a face that was basking in mediocre delight. Reznor suggested that we asked them out after their work ended and head to where ever they (Kay and her friend.. who is ouch hot..) wanted. I was fine with how things were going, so I continued our small talk and Kay told me I looked like this Taiwanese Singer/Host.

In the ensuing moment of me accepting her compliment, She BIT me. I can't really remember why I actually allowed her to do so but I'm attributing it to the cleavage. It fucks up my reflex actions. The bite was fucking deep and the site was swelling. I was in pain.

We actually moved off to another club before coming back to find them at 2am. Some debate on where to go and we eventually settled for Devil's Bar.

Once in the club I complained to her about her bite mark, of which her reply was that I was marked for the night, cos I was her property now. Things got hotter as she started grinding her ass into my thigh and stuff which I was really uncomfortable with. I teased back and she kissed me on the cheeks.

Me: "Can't wash face AGAIN tonight"

She grinned and I was pretty sure this one was ripped for the picking.

We finally decided to leave cos it was boring as hell and techno wasn't my shit. Leaving was actually a ruse for her to get everyone else to leave. Then as we started to walk, she pulled me back in on pretext that she wanted to drink some more. Reznor came back to find me but left shortly. Now, we were finally alone.

We started talking about general stuff but it was running late and I was getting tired.

4.38am: we make small talk.. and she says something about having a bigger dick than me and she grabbed my crotch
4.39am: I respond "ya lah ya lah"
4.41am: she grabs my package again and nods
4.42am: I fight back to protect my dignity, briefly rub her crotch and go, "ya lah yours bigger" ( hey she started it!)
4.46am: She suddenly stares at me. " You know i feel like slapping you?"
4.47am: thinking she was playing I replied, "hannah hannah..."
4.48am: She's Still staring.. "you know its damn rude?!" I'm lost for words. Did I go too far?
4.49am: my apology starts....
4.53am: still going "sorry lah"..
4.54am: Kay's still in contention for Longest Stare at a Club or Pub in the Guiness World Record.
4.56am: Feeling damn uneasy but she finally breaks the silence.. "you know *the person she says i look like* is my idol? Can u not spoil my image of him?". Horkay, this girl is getting alittle too mental for me. She's actually taking me for him?!?! In case you are wondering, the guy im suppose to look like is 'Xiao Zu a.k.a Luo Zhi Xiang', he's a Taiwanese singer cum host. Whatever.

4.57am: She attempts to put her hand INSIDE MY PANTS!! She actually lifts my shirt and tries to unbuckle my belt! I fucking had to wrestle her hand out! And she had the fucking nerves to shout at me, "Can you just FUCKING relax!" Hello psycho bitch! And all this while there were 4 guys just next to us!
4.58am: Horkay! My psycho warning system is a little slow on detection but Miss Psycho here has her freak score way off the charts.

We finally left and I have to send her home as a gesture of goodwill and diplomacy.

5.43am: I was driving and she attempted to put her hands into my pants again!! I swerved a little, shocked at what was happening and she shouted the same lines to me, "Just fucking relax can?!" Of cos not! Can anyone? I was so scared that she'd squeeze my balls to kill me.

5.45am: She attempts the stunt again with the same line. I feel like a routine to retaliate.

5.52am: I reached her place and she looked at me with that same demanding eyes. I knew what was coming to me..
5.53am: I leaned back, grabbed the side of my seat and bit my lips, as she forced her way into my pants.
5.54am: The ordeal was over. I opened my eyes. She was still staring..
5.55am: She said goodbye, but was still in my car
5.56am: She's still saying she's leaving..
5.57am: She kissed me, I kissed back and I groped her boobs, only cos I really deserve it for the trauma I've been subjected to. She's the WORST kisser I've had in my life. I mean, she's really REALLY bad. I don't know if she was trying to swallow me or bite me or just simply doing both. Multi tasking is not always good ladies and gentlemen..

6.02am: Yup, she still hasn't left although she kept saying goodbye. Im not an idiot and I knew she was waiting for me to make a move. I absolutely refused to get her contact and I hoped we never meet again.
6.05am: She leaves.

I'm violated but I think I made the right choice by not sleeping with her. I could have been handcuffed and whipped, raped and chopped into pieces or I might have woken up to find my kidney's on sale at eBay.

That's my story of the crazy bitch...


At 11:11 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

nice and funny story! Care to share which pub Kay is from?

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