Why People Should Never Change

We all know how the world is a stage, cos Madonna said it. I was talking to a friend the other day and he was asking me some scenario questions, largely on relationships and I ACED them all.

1. Changing Apperances

It's one thing if you look better, lost weight or finally smarten up and decide to go under the knife. If I was dating you and you show a mark improvement on my radar, you will be rewarded with a really good fuck.

The thing about people in a relationship is that they tend to fall under a false sense of security, which usually has consequences like, 'weight gain' and 'less make-up'. These are contagious diseases, much like Cholera and Obesity (If you hang out with Whales, you will become one).

As responsible adults, we need to arrest this. This is simple. If your partner starts getting ugly or fat, beat them. They should have seen this coming. You need to put them in place and remind them that society has no place for semi-humans. They should never be taking you for granted and if they EVER pull that shit of not dolling up when their with you again, re-introduce them to the fist.

It's a real simple dichotomy. Say yes to all things beautiful, even if they are artificial. Reject anything that is ugly or if I tell you to. There should never be a grey area. If they refuse make-up, they'd better be pretty.

I've been in a relationship before so I know how girls just stop looking pretty when they have a man. The only way to get them painting their face again is if you constantly keep them paranoid. I go out, get picked up and I make sure she knows about it. Sure, they'll kick up a big fuss cos its all they ever do, but soon they'll be going to the market with eye-liner and enough powder on their face to make bread with.

MyFriend: "What if the girl you really love gets into an accident and she gets disfigured for life?"
Me: "If she loves me, she'll let me go."

2. "You fell in love with me"

I don't understand why people want their partners to change. It's like telling your mum you wanted a dog but you bought a chinchila. It only just shows your stupidity and obvious lack of foresight.

It’s real simple. DON’T impose any changes, unless it’s something absolutely detrimental to your relationship like huge moles, hairy armpits and fat asses. When I was still stupid enough to believe in commitment, the ex-gf used to incessantly swarm me with ridiculous requests.

Her constant expletives include, “Pay me more attention”, “stop gambling” and “wrestling is dumb”. I ignored her till she finally saluted my impertinence for change. Here’s how to make sure this shit never happens to you.

A. Make sure you are consistent. If you start out treating them with too much reverence, they are going to piss on you the moment you slip up. Always start slow. Rule of the tumb,

“If you open the car door for them today, they are going to expect you to wipe their ass tomorrow.”

B. If they make you give up one guilty indulgent, make sure you do the same to them. When I was badgered into relinquishing late nights and wrestling, I did the only matured response and made sure she served me breakfast in bed naked.

C. Praise sparingly. Don’t lie if you think that person looks like a Halloween make-over disaster. If you are a guy, details are your worse enemy. I know so cos I won’t remember what you wore 2 days back.

Refrain from using incriminating words like, “you look great today” cos there’s a chance it’ll blow into a “So I don’t look good on other days?”. Remember, less time spent on flippant trivialities means more time in the bedroom.

If they persist in arguing, warn them that more time spent on this will result in less time for foreplay. If you have to, violence is always the best way to get your point across. A good aim to the throat will shut them up.

If you break this industry standard, you’re going to have to pay homage everyday just to have silence. I pity you.

3. Changes are temporal.

If you’re smart enough to open a bottle cap, you should also be equipped enough to know the impermanence of change. So why bother?

The only time we need to arrest changes is if your partner looks like a stand in for Willy and them lying in bed reminds you of a seafood platter. If you have any self worth, you will dump them or spear them with a harpoon. Both if possible..

4. Change is a precursor for guilt.

Your partner changes overnight and you think it’s your Davidoff perfume? Only in Disneyland sweethearts. It’s because they’ve been pigging out behind your back.

Treat ALL sudden changes with skepticism and contempt. Do not hesitate to burn their hair. People make amends for every screw up they make, it’s a fact. You go on a date late, you offer to buy dinner. You accidentally fucked your neighbour’s dog, you buy them flowers or cufflinks. It’s how it all works.

To save your ass from a vase flung at you, DON’T change. Unless of cos, you failed to dodge that because Whales have mobility dysfunction, then you really need to re-think that buffet.

5. Changing is self-depreciating.

If you conform to changes, it only means you’re not good enough. Unless you’re 200 pounds of disgrace, there’s nothing you should be worried about. I’m rude, cold and heartless and people still love me. I do stupid things like over-sleeping on the MRT and getting a degree and I’m still loved.

Right, that’s because I’m a not a whale.

Change is only necessary if you’re moving from Pierre Cardin to Prada. Or from an A to a C cup or any other aesthetic upgrades.