Tuesday, September 05, 2006

People To Get Stoned

Suicide needs to be synonymous with obesity, stupidity and ugliness. I'm not suggesting to you who needs to die (or be killed), I'm telling you. If you ever put weapons of mass destructions at my disposal, make sure it comes with a selective extermination device and you'll soon find the world a better place.

Some people just don't get it and wonder why I'm perpetually vulgar towards the fore-mentioned categories of sub-species Homosepians. It's just like putting limb amputees at a World Series Baseball match, you just hate them but you can't blatantly jeer them. After all, it is an ascribed characteristic, because fate HATES you.

1. Whales

I don't care what you call people with the Equator for belt size. In my dictionary, they are called whales.

Wh-ale-s [adj]:
1. People who are excessively overweight and prone to constant self-wedgies from walking.
2. Usually synonymous with gluttony, body odour and cellulite.
3. Most probable suspect for stolen brownies and fudge cake.
4. Can be used as an expletive. Usually for verbal abuse on fat people. Always add profanities before actual word. Example,

"You fucking Whale!"

It's easy to understand why we ALL hate them. They exist at our expense. The club scene is one valid case to highlight our social stress caused directly by these behemoths. It's no secret that whales going to clubs are the principle evidence of inequalities and exploitation that exist in society.

WE are the ones being suppressed. Look, this is real simple.

Whales pay the same cover as us but they take up 3 times the room. Ever wondered why even when clubs are packed, the door management still allows people in? Well, empirical evidence has proven the presence of whales as a cause of this fatal flaw in crowd management.

I don't blame them, it's hard to quantify the equivalence of whales to men. I usually pro-rate them at 3 times, make them pay triple the amount, then force them to wear sweat shirts. I shan't even discuss at lengths about whales at buffets, but they should have discriminating pricing like,

Child : $9++
Adult: $18++
Whale: $52++

This is bullshit to normal folks like us. The next time someone tells you about Singapore being egalitarian and meritocratic, spit at their face then punch them in the nuts. How can it be fair when Whales get to save money?! This isn't even K-Mart!

Update on the Whale Story:

Last Friday, I bumped into the Whale again at MoS. There's alot of difference to what alcohol does to your nerves and guts. Much against my consent, Ash went up to talk to the Whale and brought her over.

I've never been more shit-housed nervous and scared than I was, standing there arms folded, nearly buckling at my knees while she walked over. I almost forgot how big and imposing she was as she towered over me. She was exactly how I remembered her to be. Tall, grossly overweight, flat-chested and impalingly unpleasant looking.

She scared the shit out of me. Even LB got a shock from looking at her and retreated to a corner. She came over to shake my hand, while I kept one hand still folded across my chest, showing as much disinterest as how monks would be at an orgy.

Whale: "How have you been?"
Me: "Ok."
Whale: "My cousin just came to S'pore today.. He's from Philippines"
Me: "Working here? Which house?"

I never felt so much intertwining of fear, repulsion and nervousness than I did standing half a metre from her. The constant fear of her throwing a bear hug at me and crushing all my internal organs was a deeply undesirable thought. Even I deserve to die more.. graciously. I'm pretty sure she'd have raped me after killing me. Necrophilia is a genetic dysfunction in most whales.

LB came up to me after the ordeal,

LB: "That's the Whale?"
Me: "Yes..."

Do I need to give a more valid reason for their extermination? They are always going to be the first on the barbeque pit when it comes to cannibalism anyway, so why not just kill them for pleasure now? Okay, forget the killing, but can I at least get to throw a stone at them? Would be fun..

2. Idiots

Life without them would be great. No more shit in urinals, no more squatting on toilet bowls and no more Justin Timberlake CDs. Great. They don't have to die but the government should at least allow us to periodically throw sucker punches at them. They won't know what hit them anyway.

My execration for idiots is at an all time high. It's always easy to hit the threshold limit, especially when I'm in constant working contact with one. My colleague aced the stupidity test by spelling her name wrongly. Me and idiots just don't go well, just like apodia and Nikes.

Stupidity is a congenital disease, like gambling, excessive talking and plane crashing. If you are stupid (if people are kind enough they'll tell you so), shut up and let the best thing to come out your mouth be a dick.

Which idiot would put spaces in email addresses? That would be my colleague...

Yesterday she did something that convinced me she that religiously takes a cupful of retardism juice every morning. Despite constant supervision, she managed to send wrong documents to a client, documents that happen to be VERY confidential. Coincidence or corporate espionage gone wrong? It's simply stupidity.

She: "How now... Die.. sure die. Boss sure scold."
Me: "Go take a cab there and take the documents back.."
She: "How to go? I dunno the way.."
Me: "REENA! That's why you take a cab!"
She: "But I don't know the way also.."

Not convince that anyone is THIS stupid, I hand her the address.

She: "I know the address la.. but I don't know how to go there."
She: "The taxi know how to go ah?"

I felt like I was being money shot with stupidity. Just when you think she cannot topple her own dumbness, she comes along and destroys a perfectly good morning.

She comes out one morning, hysterical about her email being down and how it's affecting her work. She starts lamenting about how she cannot receive client emails and how she won't get any work done should this persist. Then she, in all her IQ of 65, comes up with the best idea I've heard all year since planning a foursome...

She: "I ask the clients to send email to you.. can?"
Me: "And how are you going to get work done like that?"
She: "After they send you, you just send to me."

And this is only possible because my email is special and I can operate through all bad servers and system breakdowns. The next thing she'll be doing is sticking postage stamps on the screen, because to all idiots, e-mail requires stamps.

Me: ".. if your E-Mail is down.. do you think I can still send you E-Mail."

She stood there staring as if she's just heard the most ridiculous thing, flared her nostrils, then walked off. I heard faint mumblings of "that's right" .. or it could have been a "that's why".

Look, if someone you know is stupid, do not hesitate to dish out a decent amount of ass whooping. Kicks to the shin and jabs to the sternum, whatever it takes to bring on the pain. We need to hand out maximum punishment for minimum brain function ability.

3. Ugly People

Everyone wears a mask. I sometimes wonder if my caricature personality is a ruse to blindside reality. I sometimes wonder why anyone would want to be ugly. Correction, I wonder how anyone can live with being ugly.

Yes yes, I hear you say..

".. But Butterfly.. looks is secondary to character.."

I'll tell you how it works. Character can never erase the superficiality of reality. Humor can never surpass an eternity with alopecia, neither will being 'nice' ever get you anything more than cornucopian bullshit of,

"I think you're nice.. let's just be friends" OUCH!

Looks is still the primary meritocratic flag bearer. Want a good pay, be pretty. That's the difference between a walk down the runway and a walk down the library isle. Do not even start with me on the fundamentals of demand and supply to posit wage differential. I'll tell you the simple rule of life. Beautiful people make it, ugly people don't.

The thing about ugly people is that they scare the shit out of me. I don't know whether to feel sorry for them or jab them between the eyes. Ugliness like the two cardinal sins before this, is almost always ligated with self-delusion.

Simple rule. Anyone who says they are ugly, is almost always trying to act humble, so we ignore people like them. Anyone who says they are pretty, usually is. People aren't shameless enough for excessive self promotion, unless it’s me. Anyone one who says they are 'OK', is ugly. You can disagree, but you are wrong.

I've met ugly people. Some of them suspected and secretly guilty of perpetuating Halloween. I've met people who looked like they came out of a losing battle with the lawn mower and people who's facial arrangement looked like it was planned by astronomers. I once knew this girl who's eyes where so far apart, they only needed to be closer the top for her to qualify as a frog.

I worship the aesthetics and I love the beautiful. If only plastic surgery was made free and people didn't (and I don't understand why they should) frown on it so much, you'd realise that vomiting will no long exist. If only all ugly people vanished, children will no longer cry and you'd finally find raping to be worthwhile.

Stoning ugly people has been a practice since the heydays of John Galliano and Elle MacPherson. I don't see why it should stop either.

4. Moral Righteous Pricks.

For those of you, who are too dumb to see the greater social revolution that I am preaching, think again before you castigate. Think of me as a Ché Guevara, only with a bigger stock inventory of condoms and whiskey.

I condemn Communism and believe that people, who are clearly not equal, do not deserve equal chance. Fat, ugly and stupid people (collectively) deserve to be mocked and laughed at. The occasional stoning will be smiled upon.

I get a lot from people (guys usually) criticizing the way I’m nucleated in an ‘amoral’ lifestyle. Am I bothered? Only by the myopic principles you claim to adhere to. I’ll say this again, the only reason you cannot fathom a life less ordinary like mine, is because opportunities delude you.

If are a normal hot-blooded male and you get as much hook up offers as I do, without having the need to play the chase, would you still remain your virginal ignorant self? If you said ‘yes’ to that, you are either,

a) Gay (which would almost certainly mean you are innately promiscuous)
b) Lying your ass off

The only reason why you sit there and say “this guy has no morals” and you start throwing me words like “amoral”, “asshole” and “STD”, is because you are half as pretty as me and obviously you’ve never seen tits other then in the guy’s locker room after a TAF club get together.

Oh, but I do have morals. I’m the furthest thing from a hypocrite you’ll ever find. I’ve never and will never lie to get into someone’s pants. Promises are luxuries you may never get from me but I’ll offer you no frills for thrill.

So preach to me only if you’ve had hordes of hot women throwing themselves at you, with sex being only a whisper away and you’ve managed to abstain from it despite being TOTALLY heterosexual. In this case, only one thing is obvious.

YOU ARE AN IDIOT. This still qualifies you being stoned.


At 10:35 AM, Blogger Xtralicious said...

I absolutely love your meanness and razor sharp wit... And I thought I was a bitch! Hah!

Agree 100% with you on beautiful people. Take two candidates, equal qualifications and abilities: I bet my ass that it's the prettier one that gets the job. With a higher salary too. That's life.

That's why I get to sit prettily in my office with my CFM face, doing a bit of reports here and there and drawing a nice salary for my efforts. Again, that's life.

Strangely, with my height of 1.68m and size 12, I might be your definition of a "whale". Hmm.

At 11:31 AM, Anonymous spinnee said...

totally can relate everything u're written, though probably I'm not that mean enuff to stone ugly people. ah

i felt sick while talking to idiots. They should never exist in the first place. At this juncture, I just feel like killing them!

guess i've watched too much "final destination"... thost idiots deserve such death potrayed there.

At 1:12 PM, Blogger The Butterfly said...

xtralicious> You cant come close. your 36-25-37 is no where near the whale's 38A-77-98.

U my dear will still qualify as a plankton nxt to her

At 5:14 PM, Blogger Scarletr0se said...

I can never talk to idiots la!

Really man. Your colleague should just stay at home and watch TV.

*Rolls eyes*

I've never thought I was hot or pretty but I agree with what you say. It's simply scary la. But don't be so bad la. People read your blog and get hurt. =(

I pity that whale leh... there she is, tryin to make u notice her abit more, and there you are, ignoring her after a kiss. =(

U lead people on. :(

Hehehe. Anyway, interesting entry as usual la. =) You should talk to me more often instead of the idiots. Wait you also become stupid. Stupidity and Idiocy spreads. Serious.

At 12:53 AM, Blogger Clarence said...

whahahaa a super-ficial post. But seriously this is what everyone thinks inside their brain.

No one should have to suffer fools. Unless he/she was a fool in his/her previous life.

At 1:21 PM, Blogger The Horny Bitch said...

How long did u take to write this man???

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