Wrestling Rules

Wrestling is perhaps the greatest evening entertainment, ever. It has all the great makings of a soap opera. Bad acting, trashy repetitive plots that is written by 8yr old meth addicts and appeals to a mass audience for being ludicrously entertaining.

"This is stupid. Wrestling is dumb." She says to me, slumping on the couch topless as she moves her foot against my crotch. Gently teasing me.

Me: "ARE YOU CRAZY!? THIS IS THE BEST SHIT EVER!"

I've been repressed before. I used to be banned from watching this crass physical excuse of a sport by the Ex-Gf and I specifically remembered how I had to sneak in a few minutes of it while she's in the ladies, freshening up. That's then.. NO ONE tells me wrestling is crap from now on.

She: "Wrestling is obviously fake. What's the point.."

Me: "Do you want to take a bodyslam? Or a shot to the throat?! This is the best entertainment ever. Be quiet.."

She kicks my thigh.

She: "What's so great about this?"
Me: "WHAT ARE YOU SAYING??! HAVE YOU NOT SEEN WRESTLING?!"

Pardon me if I wade into a sociological discourse. For the closet intellect, drop to your knees and thank God you found me. For start, Professional Wrestling is a framed activity, a staged performance that inverts societal norms. The pronounced boundaries of the ring, re-create a pseudo reality, a separation of fact from fiction. The ring reconstructs these norms and implements its own set of regulations. It is the only place where violence is a legitimate course of action and it’s the great denominator in which EVERYTHING is resolved with.

So if you say it’s fake, why watch it? Your damn OC and LOST are fake too, and I don’t see you complaining about that. The thing is and which most ignorant bigots fail to realize is that, professional wrestling was created solely as an entertainment sport. There is nothing to complain about when it offers good action and a carnal entrée of flesh parades.

Wrestling has also imparted me an arsenal of chokeholds which make for good bedroom antics (only if mild violence wets you). I don’t want to hear another word of it being fake. I will powerbomb your ass if I hear you even breathe a word.

Have you not seen wrestling?! It should run for comedy of the year. Everyone speaks with a hint of constipation and is always in deep pant, which makes you wonder if there's an orgy going on backstage. I love it cos it’s my guilty pleasure (yes even ahead of the M word). Everyone only has two facial expressions, rage and that arrogant smirk. You need so little brains to understand and pre-empt everything that is going to happen. I only wish bookies took bets on wrestling.

She starts teasing me right in the middle of Batista beating the ass crap out of Kennedy. I do the obligatory butt and boob grab, then tilt my head to catch the match.

She: “You can watch your wrestling in peace you know..”

I’m faced with a life altering decision. I weigh the odds.

I miss Batista beat the living crap out of some silly man, lose the chance to pick up new maneuvers but the possibility of good sex is within an arms reach, literally.

I decide no one corners me with choices and I proceed to rake her eyes then follow up with a swinging neck-breaker.

I kdding. Men in briefs groping each other in the squared circle is never going to pry me away from life’s greater purpose, sex. But if you pull the sex card again, I will bodyslam you. Unless you're hot.. which should usually be the case.