Sunday, July 23, 2006

Butterfly Causes Guy Great Distress

In case your wondering if the tragic fate of being in the work force has gotten to me, no it hasnt. I still have my regular dose of partying and being an asshole. I have 2 stories, one on snuff and one on ass-rimming (you'll love this one) thats being drafted.

I got off a pretty interesting conversation the other day. No credit to the other party, I was the one escalating the intrinsic entertainment value of an otherwise dead boring talk that will put valium out of commission.

My friend Snow had been telling me for a week now about this guy who messages her his entire repertoire of daily activities and projected doings. It goes something like this.

Guy: "Hi (Snow), I have just woken up. I will be taking a bath soon after which I will be doing preperations for my work, upon completion I'll take a quick lunch."

This isn't verbatim but it's close. You don't need anymore clues to figure that

1. This guy is a total NERD. I can picture him already. Draw a mental picture of him and see if you're right.
2. This guy obviously hasn't been laid... BEFORE.
3. He needs to start a blog.
4. Him + Me = ALOT of entertainment

Snow: "I'm like his personal blog!"

This guy is 30, a former criminal lawyer turned Primary school teacher (What?), and his name is Dominic. For privacy purposes, I'll refer to him as.. well, Dominic. He needs all the attention he can get anyway.

The only reservation Snow had of me meeting him was that I'll turn the whole conversation into a farce and he might get offended be me. I reassured her that I'll take it slow, coax an entry before I get rude and she could / should censure me if I got out of hand. Besides, she could never resist the entertaining possiblities of letting me have a wicked take on the guy.

The moment I spotted him, I almost wanted to shout "Bingo" and run up to collect my prize because he fitted my physical impression of him to a T. He's a nerd in 90's fashion of a ear peircing, specs and decently parted fringe that will make window curtains proud. Skinny, fair, no where as pretty as me. Just go to a science lab.

We made small banter then I decided to take it up a notch.

Me: "So wait.. I need to clarify some stuff about the law. Let's say one day, I go home to find a stranger in my house holding my TV. I suspect him of stealing it.. can I beat him up?"
He: ".. I suppose so.."

Me: "Can I beat him to within an inch of his life?"
He: "I guess so.. but unless he really is stealing your TV."

Me: "How bout if he's holding my remote? Can I suspect him of trying to steal my TV and still beat him to an inch of his life?"
He: "Ermm.. maybe.."

Me: "What if I come home and I see my wife fucking some man.. can I kill him?"
He: "Yup, cos its not right."
Me: "So who do I kill? Do I kill her too? Adultery is a sin right?"

He started asking me about my work and expalained why I should consider teaching as a career.

Me: "Are you sure? I'll be slipping your kids vodka twice a day. Nothing beats having drunk kids."

The good thing is that being a nerd gives them a semblance of aptitude to recognise and credit humour. While he wasn't too please with my blend of humor, he did acknowledge it with a grin. I was throwing everything at him, hoping that the next line would break the courtesy for me he had till now played out.

I said almost everything I could, from beating kids up to telling him why he should be teaching kids at his school the importance of alcohol. Then, I found the break through.

Me: "If your girlfirend used to fuck around alot, would you still date her?"

The look on his face was priceless. A postcard worthy shot of shock and repulsion, with eyes that pierced with contempt for breaching the sacred conversation ground. Snow held her breath as Dominic went from smiling idiotic nerd to not-smiling still idiotic nerd.

Dominic: "Ermm I don't think so."
Me: "So you'll dump her just because she used to fuck around?"
Dominic: "Then I wouldn't want to know about it."

Me: "So you think promiscuity is wrong?!"
Dominic: "Yes. Its wrong to sleep around."
Me: "How am I going to find the right one if I don't fuck the wrong ones?"
Dominic: "You don't need to sleep around to find the right one."
Me: "ARE YOU KIDDING?! What if the girl I end up marrying absolutely sucked in bed?!"

I'm a natural when it comes to pissing people off, like strippers to a pole. 5 mins of me telling him how much promiscuity rules, his face showed enough constipatory discomfort to be put on a strict milk and papaya diet.

He: "You must be rich, since you live around here and considering the way you talk about work."

This came totally out of the blue, in the middle of me explaining why sleeping around does not equate to degenerating morals. The only thing I said that could have prompted him on this was that working was a waste of time and that I make more money eating chips at home. Then I realised why he brought this up.. He lives in Sixth Ave. Sneaky nerd.

I got back to messing with him the only way I knew how,

Me: "Very hard to find non-virgins these days... Does it matter if your wife is not a virgin?!"
Dominic: "I think sex is sacred and we should all save it till after marriage."

I fail to see the value ascribed by virgins to virginity. It's like the Fried Kway Tiao hawker telling you he's Kway Tiao is the best. This guy is 30 and he's a virgin, which only means his master hand works doubly overtime. If you tell me you are virgin at 30 and you don't masturbate, I'll tell you to go fuck a cow.

He abruptly ended the session on pretext that he needed to do some stuff. At least one things for sure. He's either a virgin or a liar.

7 Comments:

At 11:10 PM, Blogger sÞ¡ηηєє said...

hahahahahaha you rock butterfly. i can imagine his "oh-my-god" look when you asked those question, must be very pressurizing for him!

and i still think despite he's a nerd, he's a liar.

looks are DECEIVING! ;P

 
At 10:07 PM, Blogger The Butterfly said...

Haaaaaa you need to read what he wrote to my friend. Best Afternoon entertainment.

 
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