Saturday, July 15, 2006

The Booty Call Story

Ever since I've lost the privilege to drive, I've spiralled down in battle to conserve a decent amount of conscience, least so as to justify my age of decadence. I'm plagued with a bout of moral aphemia, nothing I say in words will change your perception of me, hence the only logical solution is to exacerbate this.

Say it, YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE. I'll add another to my list, I am a slut.

For the curious, yes I get offers for sex. Be it through this blog, clubbing, accquintances, a booty call is a booty call. I'll break it down for the few NERDS that might be reading because through me you live vicariously. Stop wanking off to T3 magazines. Basically, a booty call is in crude layman's tongue, a sex call.

The power dynamics is simple, by booty calling someone, you objectify them and hence suppression. Sociological minds here will appreciate the forces at work here. Basically, you 'prostitute' yourself if you're on the receiving end. The best part to this is, EVERYONE GETS LAID. I seriously cannot see why this is not officially made a public holiday. Would be great to have one day made mandatory for hooking up.

Have I been booty called? Duh. This is going to be long.

The One that Paid.

The first time ANYONE 'engaged' me for sex was sometime back. This girl got to know me through the net. Several corresponding msgs later, I finally caved and gave her my MSN. Judging from the time lapse, you can tell she's no where near 'Butterfly needs to fuck' status hot.

In under a week, she's asking me out on MSN. ALL of which I turned down with excuses varying from "No." to "Nope.". Finally, I got bored of my answers and I decided to spice it up.

She: "So what did you do today?"
Me: "Working. It's hard to find customers these days."
She: "Work? As what?"
Me: "I'm a social escort..."

The time lapse from my last reply to her typing was about 5 mins. In between there was the 'xxx is typing a msg" appearing and disappearing. Finally, she proved to be the idiot I always believed her to be.

She: "How much do you charge?"
Me: "About $50 an hour."
She: "Wow, you're pretty expensive.."
Me: "You can try again tomorrow. Off-peak charges are about $49.50."

The banter went on for a while until I believed she her to be provocatively witty. I met her 2 days later at a club. After her formal greeting, she proceeded to hand me $50.

She: "Can $25 an hour? I only have $50 now. Quite broke la.."

She was actually serious. I correct myself. She is an idiot.

The good thing about idiocy is that its innate and it tends to extend its occupancy in people. Stupid people rarely become smart, which is good because one bad prank snowballs and it eventually becomes a good one. She never realised I was kidding on the body for hire part, perhaps because of me saying,

Me: "I'm serious. You need to pay me for my time."

The climax to this, was she finally asking me for a birthday fuck. This was her msg, verbatim,

She: ".. I wanted to treat u drinks. Btw, are u free tmr? I booked a hotel rm for my bday... But noon i'll be alone..As my frnds will come aft wrk."
Me: "Wat u need me to do? Fuck huh?"
She: "if both parties is willing ya.. unless of cos u don't wan 2 do it with me..."

I laughed about this for a day, because till then, no one had 'employed' me for an occassion specific celebratory romp. I am now in league with strippers and cake popping dancers and other selected few who make cameo's at birthday parties, catered solely for the gratification (sexually or asexually) of the host.

Torrential rain that day and japanese porn movies deterred me from going to the hotel to fuck unattractive girls, so I stayed home and wanked off to midget wrestling. I'm kidding, but it'd have been cool if I did.

The Red Story.

I wouldn't actually consider Red a booty call but she did say something pretty interesting to me when I told her I was turning down a booty call from some other girl.

Red: ".. everyone should just be like me and go back by myself after sex."

Anyway, the relationship I had with Red is beyond comprehension to straight jackets who castigate my decadent lifestyle ONLY because they get NO action and I might have fucked more girls in one day than they have in one year. Do not pass your judgement upon me, let he who is without sin cast the first stone.

The One that tried to tease me

When someone offers to come to your place to pick you up for sex, you need to make quick executive decisions.

1. Is there a good show on cable worth giving up sex for. If Spanglish is airing, sex can wait.
2. Question yourself if you are prepared to be objectified, then also question if you really want to fuck the part in question.
3. If you've not had sex for 1 week. GO, dignity and self worth can wait.
4. Is she paying for supper? If yes, Spanglish can wait.

Remember, the only thing better than FREE sex, is FREE FOOD.

The Hook Up Proposals.

I've a couple of things to say. If you are trying to hook up with me so you can write about fucking me on your blog, then you are obviously doing the right thing. BUT, if you are hoping I'll write something about you, you've gotta do alot more. Like breaking your ribs while riding me. That will be humorous. I will definitely write that.

One girl who msged me on friendster was particularly hilarious. I called her Free Willy, because she looked like a stranded whale on a beach in one of her pictures. You think I'm joking?! I laughed my as off looking at ALL her pictures.

Am I allowed to paste the link for your viewing pleasure? Trust me.. it'll be a good afternoon laugh. Parents, use it to tell your kid to stay off hamburgers if they EVER want to get laid. Girls, if you look like that, DON'T EVER pose like that. Who ever said it's okay to be fat is obviously the biggest liar after OJ. FAT is not subjective. I don't care if you are a nice person, if you are FAT and you pose like that, YOU WILL BE LAUGHED AT!

Giving people who are clearly unequal, equal chance, is called Communism. We hate that.

edit: http://www.friendster.com/user.php?uid=3676147 I always said I was an asshole. She sent a smile, but the only pic I smiled was the one with her sis. If that's your sister and you feel I'm mean about calling her an orca, dating me is a good way to get back at me.

50 Comments:

At 10:13 AM, Blogger Scarletr0se said...

my god.

btw flyfly, i can only meet you after i finish some fucked up work my supervisor made me do last night ok!!!!! :(

and my phone is officially dead. no batt alrdy. so if you see this, im on msn. teehee!

see ya later!!! *hugs*

 
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At 8:17 PM, Blogger Ecstasy said...

Yo, dropping by to see how you are. Work going fine I hope? Quit my last job. After the beautiful interns left it was too depressing! Aunties everywhere.

 
At 12:18 AM, Anonymous Skye said...

dude you just made me puke my dinner..and breakfast for the next day..

 
At 2:50 AM, Blogger The Horny Bitch said...

Piangz! Saw the pics. She's not too bad la! HAHAH!

Sibei de siao 1 leh u.. Bluff stupid people.

 
At 8:52 AM, Anonymous violetjade said...

Your posts always make me laugh...LOL ahaha ^=^"

 
At 2:49 PM, Blogger sÞ¡ηηєє said...

same as skye. i puke my last nite's supper, and lunch after seeing her... 'appealing' photos. wtf... duh.

 
At 3:57 AM, Blogger Ecstasy said...

HB: She's not too bad?? I don't want to know what's bad to you.. lol.

 
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That was some serious shitload! It was indeed a whale! My gosh, what the fuck happened?

 
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