How To Execute A Proper Breakup

I was talking to LB over lunch about typical relationship issues and we ended up laughing over the most idiotic breakup lines. Its the attack of those famed cheesy quips that only creative-less institutions like TCS is capable of.

edit: I changed the title.. this is more fitting.

1. Its not you, it's me...

Yes how we've heard this one over before. Some of us are even guilty of saying this. Hands up if you've said this before, cos if you haven't it's either you have breakup lines scripted by Shakespeare, or you've always been the one being ditched.

This is guilt diffusion in a nutshell. What you inevidently do is end all possible ensuing conversations of "but I will change". You take the blame because its the easy way out. If this does not work, and those idiots refuse to break up with you, these are some stuff you may want to consider.

- Punch them in the ears, HARD. They deserve it cos they obviously didn't hear you properly the first time. Then repeat yourself again.

You: "Its not you, its me.... "

Punch again if they don't get the idea the second time round. You may want to consider kicking for added effect.

- You may want to change your approach

You: "Fuck I was WRONG!! ITS YOU! ITS ALL YOUR FAULT BITCH!"

If they don't get your point or bring up the "I will change" argument, you might want to stick to the punching technique.


2. I think its better we remain friends..

Oh, that's a product of too much TCS and too little brains. Everyone know that this is just an equivocation of saying, "We should be fuck buddies". Of cos, there's truth in this. Some couples are better of being friends, well it frees up 2 more for the remaining single's population. Some precautions you want to take when administering this B grade breakup line...

They: "What's the difference in us being friends and us being together?"

At this point, clasp your fingers and smack them real hard with a snapping palm. You might want to use your master hand for that added omph.

You: "At least I won't slap my friends."

You might have to repeatedly do this 3-5 times before you can get the message across. The best is to pre-empt this and slap them at mid-sentence, somewhere around, "What's the difference in...[slap]". Usually this adds a stunned effect. Remember, DO NOT let them talk back at you, that would warrant another good ass whooping.

The above will not work if you happen to date stupid people, who's reflex to this might be a smile, thinking this is an evolution of SM foreplay. When this happens,

Make a run for it. No amount of ass whooping will get the point across. NEVER date idiots.

3. I don't think we're suited for each other

Yes, 10 points for your obviously good foresight, and minus 10 for your myopic significant other. You'll obviously have to give concrete reasoning for saying this, so focus on really important matters like,

You: "You're missing my clit. I don't like it when you lick my asshole and your tongue is further from it than your nose is."

or

You: "You are ugly."

Usually with the above non-debatable arguments, you'll win, since these are cardinal sins. Do not however,

- Punch them in the eye, since they obviously lack vision to begin with.
- Spit at them. A bad aim and saliva in the eyes can be painful.

If they try to talk you out of it, you'll need to be resolute. Bring along brass knuckles. A good aim at their throat will be a good way to get yourself out of this predicament. I usually DO NOT condone the use of violence but some people need to be set straight. Hit them before they start to get violent. Repeatedly if you have to keep them down.

Remember, it's better them choking on blood than you.

4. It's just the wrong time, if only we met earlier.

Timing is always a factor. Bad timing is a disease, like premature ejaculation and suicide bombing. You need to let them know that you are not bullshiting about the timing shit. Raise your voice if they doubt you. Throw a sucker punch if you need to. We need to make them see our point. Laugh loudly when they are moaning in pain.

I believe timing is everything. Just like how you meet all the hot people simultaneously and you have no idea who to fuck. And when you are single and lonely, no one pops up, and you're left to decide between Jap or American porn to wank over or that pink dildo or silver vibrator. Life's greatest dilemma.

5. I don't love you anymore.

Things don't get any clearer than this. If they challenge this, they should expect the biggest ass whooping you can humanly dish out on them. Things to look out for..

They: "But I still love you..."

You need to administer the ear punching protocol. Becareful not to hit the head, you need them to be brain-damage free to understand that no one gives a shit what they feel. You are all that matters. Tell them in a foreign language, preferably one that they can't comprehend, just so that you can punch them again. Hey, they didn't understand it the first time round anyway.

They: "How can you suddenly not love me?"

For this, stay calm and bring up some pass events that highlight your displeasure and why its a catalyst in this episode of lost love. Things like how they changed your channel while you're on Oprah or how they cheered for the other team for the World Cup. Things like how they messed your hair can also be brought up, do not trivialize these.

If these don't work, start unfolding some chairs. They should get the idea after that. Love dies, face it.

6. I like someone else.

Duh, need you explain more? Bring along another person, make sure it's someone hotter. You don't want to risk your ex-partner laughing at you. Escort services come in real handy. Do not even think of being cheap here. Spend some money and get a real hot one. Nothing beats giving your ex a good self-esteem beating. You want them ABSOLUTELY destroyed. [You might want to add in an evil laugh, but practise on it first.]

Tell them you don't want to waste calories fucking them again. Then proceed to screw the HOT escort right before them. They'll run off crying so you might want to pre set booby traps on the ground so that they'll fall into one of them. Crying fucks up judgement and they won't anticipate danger. Serves them right for not having Spider senses.

7. My Parent's don't approve of us.

Hide the parents first, you don't want to risk your psycho ex hunting them down. Make sure you can inflict enough damage on your ex before they do any harm to your parents. Family comes first, ALWAYS.

Parent's should never be a deciding factor, but bring them in if that asshole continues to stick. Remember, you need to throw everything but the kitchen sink at them.

You might need to use a combo of reasons, but always remember the rule of the thumb. Action speaks louder than words. 4 words for you..

Ass.Whooping.Big.Time