Sunday, June 04, 2006

The First Blowjob Story

The first blowjob experience is always a milestone to be etched in our memories, just like that first kiss.. the first fuck.. the first time some bitch cheated on you. Beautiful memories those are. Mine's no different, but unlike all of you, I actually had this compartmentalized under "bad memories, needs to be deleted."

I remembered this after talking to Red on similar issues, and I figured it'll be good material, since it invovles me in a caprice of hilarity aimed to destroy all affinity I have with sex. It's been an experience I'd have taken with me to my grave, but incidents have happened of late and I'm no longer binded by conscience to hold my tongue. Let my wrath be heard..

The only thing worst than first timers, are first timers without a clue. This girl had until the first time she gave me a handjob, never watched porn before, let alone seen a live member. The handjob was forgettable, she knew she had to stimulate the dick, just that she had no idea how.

It was a valiant effort shaking my member from side to side and in circles, everything except stroking it vertically. I had to stop this from blowing into a fiasco and uttered my first pillow talk vulgarity, stop.

Me: "Stop.. stop.. It goes up and down.."

After I set her on the right course, inferring how the penis worked became easy for her. She was a smart girl, that I give it to her. She was willing to please, but lacked ALOT of imagination and experience. She was vanilla when it came to this. The question now remained, was she prepared to move on to blowing? It was a good thing she understood that stimulating the penis went in vertical motions, I can't imagine her shaking my penis wrapped in her mouth side to side.

I'm sure everyone's got a bad blowjob tale lingering somewhere at the tip of their tongue. There's only one enemy to the penis, it's called.. TEETH.

It didn't occured to me then that anyone who had never watched porn and attempting a virginal blowjob was a potential haemorrhaging hazzard. This was my forray into sexual suicide, one that I had misculculated. My oversight of the impending calamity came from a coupling of juvenile anticipation and excitement of a naked body and finally being initiated into sexual maturity. When someone's mouth is 2 inches from your member, calculating risk assessments are the furthest thoughts from you.

Then I felt it, the warmth of the mouth. Wet, warm and all calming. I was in ecstatic heaven, nothing could take this away from me. Moments from now I'll be having an orgasm and savouring every minute from now till then was what I'm gonna do. I was wrong. VERY WRONG.

1 Minute into the blowjob, I started to feel a slight pain. This cannot be.. blowjobs aren't supposed to be painful, are they? Could it be like a girl's virginal fuck and how there is that initial pain? Could I have not done enough extensive research into this? Strange, I could swear this was not how it was supposed to be.

Then she pumped harder, and the pain was excruciating. I pushed her head back. She looked at me. Perhaps I was not made for blowjobs. Perhaps it's an anatomical dysfunction. I was not to be beaten, I signalled her to continue.

And again the pain came. Then I realised.. She was scrapping my shaft with her damn teeth! My member was red, pulsating with pain and soreness. Had the fiasco been given another 5 mins to play out, my dick would have been swollen with blisters and I'd have been ejaculating blood and pus.

Me: "Baby, you can't use your teeth!"
She: "I didn't..."
Me: "Trust me, you did.."

Me: "Lick, suck.. just don't use the teeth."

We continued shortly after that, it was better. The pain came in sporadic intervals which made hitting orgasm the impossibile probable.

Me: "Baby, you have to suck it in vertical motion. Just keep the teeth out."

It went good, slow and pleasurable. I wanted more..

Me: "Yes yes.. now faster.. and suck harder."

Ever wondered what greed and over-estimation of another person's ability does to you? It fucks you up. In her over zealous effort, she had forgotten about my one fear and that one rule of the penis. NO TEETH ALLOWED. Three teeth grinding thrust was all that was needed to kill me.

Me: "OOOOOOUUUUCCCCCCHH!!!!!!!!! I SAID NO TEETH!!!!!"

I think back now and I'm amazed I didn't give up on blowjobs. She got better subsequent of course, but never really had the aptititude to reach foreplay main event status. Coincidentally, the best blowjobs I've had are from the two Japanese girls in my past. I'm pretty sure its a cultural thing, they have fundamental starter kits built in them I swear.

38 Comments:

At 7:45 PM, Anonymous Skye said...

mwahaha..dats really funny..=P

i've had someone who went to Japan tell me that when he was there he actually saw blowjob machines. You slot a coin in, stick yr dick in there and then something (or someone) on the other side does the blowing.

I never really knew if he was joking though..

Anyway, using teeh in blowjobs can be a rather stimulating experience..I'm just quite sure you haven't got the right kind yet..haha..=P

on another note, we will raid my grandfather's prized alcohol collection..soon..=P

 
At 11:49 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I definately fared better on my first attempt...

 
At 11:49 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I definately fared better on my first attempt...

 
At 11:50 PM, Blogger The Horny Bitch said...

I definately fared better on my first attempt...

 
At 11:55 PM, Blogger The Horny Bitch said...

opps... Guess I was too excited and clicked too many times...

 
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At 8:29 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh-my-god... I thought I was the only one with the teeth thing!!! My girl gave me one the other day and it HURT. How should I tell her next time to watch out for the teeth? It's kind of awkward saying, "Babe, When you do that, watch the teeth." Suggestion?

 
At 3:14 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

its really really important to be honest about those things its either one second of her looking at you funny but if she continues it will hurt alot and could become scared and have a lasting effect on your sex life... and open sexual relationship with your partner is very healthy and needed if i never told my wife things i liked i would likely never had gotten her to do them and she loves doing them now so dont worry about the akwarness it will pass i promise :)

 
At 2:17 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your first Blow job (which mine was yesterday), is something you will never forget.
I just wish I could forget mine. The excruciating pain caused by those menacing teeth made me feel as if I was going to pass out. Following this, I have no interest in receiving a blowjob in quite sometime, which is shame I guess.

 
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At 10:29 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

yeah...i accidentally used teeth the first time. big mistake. and i gagged. and i spit the cum out the window. attractive.

 
At 7:01 AM, Blogger Smushy Shrew :-S said...

Good sex is dependant on good communication, don't ever suffer in silence because it can have painful consequences!

 
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At 11:27 AM, Anonymous Britt123 said...

Just politely tell her before she goes down tgat one of your friends girls used teeth and it really hurt so be carefull and laugh it off a little.

 
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At 10:21 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

i gave my first blowjob when i was 15 and it was on my first holy communion day.i had never made my first communion as a little girl so my parents had me do it at 15 and dressed me in the traditional,white,poofy,communion dress and veil with the lace socks and white shoes.under my dress,they had me wear the same cloth diaper and plastic pants worn by the little girls.after my party,my boyfriend and i went to his house and his parents were gone.while we were necking he put his hand up under my communion dress and felt the diaper and plastic pants and got really horny.he unzipped my dress and pulled it off of me and pushed me to my knees and put his hard cock in my mouth and told me to suck it.he held my head still while he thrust his hips back and forth and came in my mouth and forced me to swallow the whole load!it was horrible tasting stuff!

 

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