10 Things Why Butterfly Hates Taiwan

Yes, I'm back at my desk-top where time is of no consequence to me and I can pace through this entry at my prerogative. Taiwan has been great, especially the final days of it which I will post along with TONS of pictures. What you need to do is log on regularly and hit that refresh button. I've said that everything has a dichotomous ascription to it and Taiwan is no different. I will present to you why I think Taiwan sucks.

1. The language barrier. You have to know that Taiwanese speak almost ZERO English. I've met probably only a handful who can communicate in basic tailor-made primary school English. One of the best speaking ones picked it up from HBO. No shit.

Firstly, in case you havent noticed, I'm Chinese. However, my proficiency in my mother-tongue leaves much to be desired. Although, I've been commended on my rapid improvement over the week by the guys. Basically, I have a template in chatting girls up.

This works both ways for me. Firstly, Taiwanese girls love English speaking boys. You can figure out their culture from the way they act in clubs, I'll explain more later. The good thing is that speaking in English is a good way to pick chicks up. The downside, is that when I order food alone, I have no fucking idea what the people are telling me and I look like a moron staring suspiciously at them.

Plus, I can't read and the damn menu's are ALL in Mandarin so the only words I can read are "Beef", "Fish" and "Chicken".

2. The Food. Coming from Singapore, it's hard to appreciate food anywhere else. After awhile, the local cuisine here just tires you out. Despite all you see on Taiwanese variety shows, there's actually nothing much to eat in Taiwan. Everything taste like everything else. The lack of diverse cultures spills over into the limitations of variety. Everything is so... Taiwanese.

Sure, they have alot of exotic delicacies, but dog meat and snake's skin don't really wet my taste pallets. If you eat dog's meat, you will end up in Hell. After watching how they kill the turtles when making turtle soup, I've decide to abstain from it for a month. The damn soup is too good to keep off.

Basically, I miss prata and Mee Soto.. who says I'm racist.

3. KFC and MacDonalds there suck. There's NO chilli sauce and the fries have enough salt on it to kill your kidney. Seriously, it's impossible to eat KFC without chilli sauce.

4. I went to the local sauna there and I had my first experience of a mass porn screening. There's two "theatres" which are basically two large rooms lined with individual sofa chairs and one large screen. One room screens decent blockbuster movies while the other has a variety of Japanese and American porn.

The porn room is the foulest smelling place I've been to. The smell of dried sperm just perfumes the place. It's probably also one place where you can experience mass masturbation. I actually think it's encouraged. Hey, if you screen porn and you give your patrons huge blankets and dim lighting, you can't be hosting a marriage seminar right?

Someone needs to bring a UV light there. I'm telling you, sitting on the damn couch has a high chance of impreganting you.

5. Anal train commuters. Seriously, people there are too rule abiding for their own good. They actually keep right on escalators and queue in line for trains, ALL the time. Its a good thing, until people start getting pissed off when I refuse to follow that order. Fuck them, tourist are always right, especially Singaporean ones.

Yes, I've been victimized by their stares. Those damn bitches.

6. Cover charges for clubs. Club hopping there is seriously a dumb thing to do. By the time you hop to the second club, you'll realise you've spent enough money to open a bottle.

An average cover will be about NT$500-700 for popular clubs. The saving grace to their exorbitant pricing is the offset of bottle charges in clubs. Some clubs have free flows all night from a regular flat fee of about NT$450, but those clubs SUCK. The free flows are also pre-mixed and poured from a tuppleware container and have less alcohol in them than a slice of Tiramisu.

The most we've paid is NT$800 which includes 1 drink, and if my 3yrs of Economics classes have taught me anything, is that we have been conned, milked like a cow and left to be mocked. What idiots we are and what girls in bikinis can do to askew our judgement.

note: SGD$1=NT$20. Do the math yourself.

7. Everything is RnB! I know some of you love RnB, but there's a saturation point to everything in my world. Almost every club there plays RnB and everyone is dressed like 50 Cent and The PussyCat Dolls. The good thing to this is that Taiwanese can dance hop hop really well.

The thing about Taiwanese, and I'm quoting this from the locals there, is that Taiwanese don't like being themselves. They are polarised into being extremely Jap cultured, or are heavily into hip hop culture. The thing that irks me the most is that despite their absolute worship of hip hop and RnB, they have no idea what the songs are saying, yet they blare it over their shop speakers, chew gum and lip sync like they actually understand.

I've no objections on immersing in a foreign culture, but the people there do it really extremely. They slang like American's when all they can say are, "what" and "yea" and they play it like they are foreigners. RoundEyes thinks that they have an identity crisis and I'm beginning to feel so. Naturally, this is a generalization of the MTV youth generation, there are of cos those that still wear their pants 2 inches above their waist and squat at roadsides eating squid.

8. Shopping is poisonous there. Fuck me in the ass, I spent over $600. Everything is expensive especially the branded goods which cost about 20% more. Okay, it also doesn't help that the store assistants tend to be very cute. VERY cute. I have one weak spot, and that is good looking people telling me I look good in a particular outfit.

Okay, I have alot of weak spots, the others are discounts and implusiveness. Also, my constant reminder that when all else runs out, I still have my dependable high interest charging American Express gold that is dying to be swiped.

The FUCKED UP thing about Taiwan is the 5% surcharges on credit cards. They obviously have alot to learn about the merits of credit purchase and how much volume it moves.

9. Traffic is a killer, literally. I nearly died 18 times because I looked the wrong way while crossing the road. Damn right hand drives, everything is in reverse. I'll remind you..

LOOK LEFT, LOOK RIGHT, LOOK LEFT.

Anything else will result in a hit and run accident.

10. Taiwan has one of the ugliest selection of vice workers, EVER. On our second night, this cabbie took LB and I to the red light district on a drive round. All I have to tell you is that, the pimps there are liars and the girls there should only be used to cure erections and overt horniness.

Very ugly. Geyland has prettier sex workers picking their nose and scatching their armpits then the best Taiwan has to offer. I actually wanted to check out their local Ladyboys, but the utter abhorrance of their streetwalkers put me off so much that it took three hours of skirt chasing to get me back to my normal frame.

If sex tourism is your cup of tea. DO NOT go to Taiwan. I maybe wrong or I'm looking at the wrong places, but Taiwan is a place that I'll never want to engage in vice. The girls in the clubs are way too hot for me to have any desires to fuck anyone outside their standards.

You should agree with at least 8 out of 10 on what I say, if not, you are a Taiwanese. If you are heading there, print this out and you can tick away in agreement to what I've said.