Butterfly and the Hole story

Everyone has a story to tell about how they messed up sex cos they cannot find the damn V hole. Me, your internet King of Sex Fuck Ups, is no different. Hey, if you've messed up before, I'd probably have done it before you even conceive it to be humanly possible. Don't you just love me?

Some people are gifted with natural talent like, playing soccer, kissing, un-hooking bras, suicide bombing, crashing planes.. etc. Others need alot more practise. I am bad with bras. VERY bad. I get piss off when I cannot find the hooks and realise that they are in front and think bra makers are deliberately trying to make me look bad. And you don't want me irritated with bras, I start pouting and from my first pout to my first grunt, you'll have about 1 min before I rip EVERYTHING apart by force.

Then there are some people who should never have sex. I've heard horror stories from my female friends about how guys can't tell assholes from vaginas. This is seriously disturbing.. I wonder how cunnilingus would be for them. Licking up the assholes and whatever shit nuggets you might have left over from that good afternoon bowel bombardment. YUMMY.

I'm no sex God but I've fucked enough women to know that every hole is different from the one before. There are those that can fit watermelons and you can never miss even if you were running into her backwards in the dark.

Then there are the ones with too much pubes it's like the Amazonian Rainforest down there. Those you might never want to lick, suck or put your face anywhere within 2 inches of it. You can probably find 5 different species of lice under them. Say.. EEEWWW.

Then there are the ones that you just CANNOT find, despite how much I pray about it.

To begin with, I usually do not have problems in this area, generally the girl slots me in. Its like a hands-free service that usually comes when the girl really wants to fuck me, or when they've had enough of my teasing. And all this pampering would eventually find a way back at me. Enter Red...

It was as if it was magically spellbounded to close up everytime I attempted. Had I not know Red before all this, I'd have unceremoniously made a run for the door at the thought of fucking a post-op.

Me: "Eh, I can't find..."
Red: "Too bad.. then you don't get to fuck me.."
Me: "Can I switch on the lights?"
Red: "No cheating..."

I run my fingers down her again, like a treasure hunter pouring over the pinpoint location on her contoured body. I keep the finger pressed upon the entrance to the forbidden. I shift myself, weight on my arms... now surely I'll make home base.

Then, that same feeling. Like me pushed faced first against a brick wall while taking two pills of viagra and a Thai prostitute fellating me though my pockets. ABSOLUTELY painful. Shit, Columbus found America and I can't find a fucking hole? This is absolutely shameful, I begin to wonder if I need to go in with torch lights and flare guns.

Me: "This is bad. I can't find the damn hole and my dick's dying. Do something!"

I winch in defeat. I might be mistaken but I think I ended that night blue-balled.