Sunday, July 02, 2006

The Butterfly Breakups

Firstly, I hope everyone here has a brain. If you're smart enough to make me a daily digest, then I'm sure you're smart enough to realise that I was kidding in my last post. Look, everyone needs a catharsis, and this happens to be mine. I've people asking me on MSN if I actually did those.

No. Although I do wish I did for a couple of them. However, these are what I did.

1. The First GF

I don't even know if I can legitimately classify this as one, since I was actually the Third Party. Now now.. before you start ostracizing and threaten to impale me with your pencil and Ferragamo heels, I need to set one thing straight.

I never knew I was the mistress. I always thought that bitch was secretly seeing someone else. OOPS. Well, when I did find out I kicked up a big fuss and refused to talk to her on the bus ride home. REAL mature. I was 17. I worked assiduously over what I would say to her for the whole ride back and came up with a real gem.

Me: "I think we should stop seeing each other."

REAL smart aye me? I was 17, just barely figured out how masturbating worked and that kissing doesn't lead to pregnancy.

Did I also mention I did the super macho jerk of the shoulders when she tried to reach for me? I also sulked alot at the bus-stop because I couln't think of a better portrait for displeasure. 10 points for my Man-Hunt worthy pose. Anyway, we eventually remained good friends. She's modelling for Up-Front Models now, last I heard.

2. The Possessive Psycho

For one, I opted for the "I think we should remain friends" and "I think the timing is wrong" combo. She knew where I was heading with the talk and started crying. I stress, CRYING, on the bus ride back to her place. What a wuss.

I punched her to stop her from crying, then 10 men descended on me to stop me from killing that bitch. Nah, I'd wished though. At the point of her bursting into tears 20mins after I just said, "We need to talk", I went soft.

Me: "It's not that bad lah..."
She: "[sob] you.. you are going to dump me [sob]"
Me: "No lah, don't be silly."

10mins after I said that, I dumped her. I lied, through my teeth. I eventually told her how she freaked me out and that I needed space. You're allowed to say all these if you go for the "I think we should remain friends" option. I faked some template upset demeanour, like quivering of lips, deep breathing and some bullshit about "this being such a waste". The moment she left for the lift, I sprinted off half breaking into a celebratory dance on a strawberry field.

Nothing could ruin the moment. Not even me missing the last bus and having to take a cab back.

3. The one that lasted 5 years.

Say what?! Yes lesser beings, I've been in a 5 yr relationship. How did the break up go? 2 words, wait, make that 3.


Interestingly, she was perhaps the only person I truly ever really loved. Not that she was a horrible girlfriend. Well, she was after the 2nd year, we broke up a year later and I felt sad for the first time. I went home, sent a petition to Webster to have them change the definition of 'women' to,

Wom-en (noun. plural) : Horrible bitches that breaks promises and makes me upset. Needs to be burnt on a stake like the McCarthy era. Evil creatures.

They rejected me and I fell asleep thinking of a second definition. I also took a huge dump and thought the dough resembled her.

Well, we eventually got back and 2 years later, I was ruining everything. She was a good girlfriend actually. Pretty, smart, great body and she earned alot. Everyone else thought she was hot and that I was lucky to have her, except me. The great thing was that she was hardly ever around cos she had to fly, which gave me a lot of time to do my other stuff.

Contrary to what you might think, I actually never cheated on her, not even once. I wasn't a good boyfriend, I was GREAT. I cooked, wrote poetry, left the toilet seat down and allowed her to watch her favourite shows.

She on the other hand was totally obnoxious at times. She disapproved of tattoos, disallowed me watching Wrestling, hated me playing Mahjong and was constantly insecure about letting me club. It finally took its toll on me and everything crumbled.

I remember snippets of what I said.

Me: "I think the timing was all wrong.."

Me: "Maybe we should remain friends..."

Me: "Its not you its me.."

I probably nailed a 5 hit combo on that breakup talk, which had enough bullshit to fertilize Bukit Timah Hill. I was upset at that point, right until I drove off from her place. I thought about how this was going to be my last time here, about how I was going to miss her.. about my next tattoo.. about finally fucking the girls who've been hitting on me. Suddenly, the world just got better. I turned up the volume and sang along to Backstreet Boys all the way home.

I spent the next week partying hard and laughing at attached couples. I felt bad naturally so I planned a 5 month abstinence plan. I wasn't going to date anyone nor was I going to sleep with anyone. 2 months later I found out she got attached, even after all that bullshit of waiting for me. That Bitch.

Feeling cheated, I resumed referring to her as "that bitch", then went out to find myself someone to fuck. I also sent in my 3rd draft for Webster's dictionary.

Wom-en (noun. plural): Horrible lying creatures. Still needs to be put on a stake. Cannot pee further than men.

They haven't gotten back to me since.

By the way, if you haven't been reading, she's married, we're still friends and I'm hotter than her husband. For one that lasted 5yrs, I actually got over this pretty quickly. If you know me, you'd know that almost nothing is worth me getting depressed over. Hence, I never understand why my friends get so upset over breakups.

Take it from me. It's better 2yrs than 5 years. When you break up, you should NEVER recount how much you put in and see it as all being a waste. Love is not measured in effort, wake the fuck up. If you gave everything and it still failed, than be glad it did now and not later. It takes two hands to clap. Period.

note: I'm bad at consoling, neither should you drown me with your sorrows, unless of cos you are my friend. BUT, if you ever need to be set straight, I'm the best person you can turn to. In your time of despair, I offer you rationality.

4. The one that keeps coming back.

The whole Ivory debacle is found here. You need to read every one of the entries on her in the hook up section. The final fallout was the infamous foursome debacle.

To begin with, we never seriously dated. She loved fucking me, she was cool to hang out with and I needed to earn karma points, so I offered my body as a vessel to reap good deeds. Think I'm a slut, wait till you hear my booty call stories. I must have at least 'broken' up with her 3 times. Each time I used,

Me: "I don't think we're suited for each other."

The ensuing debate always ended awfully. Usually because I got pissed at her persistence to digress from the topic and counter with "I can change..". This usually ends with me going hysterical at her vulgarities, like "love", "change", "promise".. words that totally puts me off.

We'd always end the day like it was going to be the last. Two weeks later, she'd always re-appear, asking me out for coffee like nothing happened. Then she'll start her nonsense and say nasty words like, "I missed you" and "I've been thinking alot about you". It took me alot of courage to finally admit this to her,

Me: "I think you're psycho and I hate you."

The final blowout was the day after the notorious foursome story. I bumped into her and MissBangs at MoS..

MissBangs: "Where's my toyboy?"
Me: "Seeing fishes."
MissBangs: "Why he never come out with you."
Me: "Cos he'll rather fuck a fish than fuck you again."

Ivory: "I miss you already.." [tries to kiss me]
Me: [pushing her away] "You're messing my hair.."
Ivory: "Is that all you have to say?"
Me: [still trying to stop her from kissing me] "FUCK OFF LA! YOU"RE TUGGING AT MY BRAIDS!!"

Classic delivery by me there. I managed to get her and everyone in a 1m radius to stare at me. Then she runs off crying in the club. Hands up if you've made someone cry with just two lines at a club. I now belong to a select club of assholes. You are not.

The thing is, guys should never hit women. NEVER. Unless its foreplay, yummy. However, some guys really need a good ass whooping to see things right. I'm not kidding. Read the last post, call me if you have problems. I have a pre-essembled ass-whooping crew to deal out the best ass kicking your money can afford.

Girls, beat your man if he refuses to break up.

Guys, if your girl beats you, break up with her. If not, run away shreiking until your voice breaks then turn around and whoop that bitch. Squeaky voiced men are women in disguise.


At 5:42 PM, Blogger Jess said...

Love your definition of women.. but you forgot to add in: sluts that sleep around, spends too much on shoes and gossips 24/7. Needs to be fucked constantly to contain its evil.

At 1:53 PM, Blogger sÞ¡ηηєє said...

all i can say is..


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