Butterfly Goes For Commencement

Commencement, convocation.. graduation ceremony, call it what you may, it's a time to just show how many friends you have to take pictures with. Such occasion accords the sociable with well wishes and warm hugs. For the desolate few like me with friends accountable with one hand, it's a calender date I mark with the same importance as, 'buy cup noodles'.

Since friends in school are luxuries I can afford only at a cost of abstinence from late night parties and coming to school sober, I only surround myself with a select few that will ensure at the very least, someone to eat with and someone to print my notes. My life out of school is lined with wine, fashion shows, disastrous foursomes, a bedlam of alcohol and dance.. Regret for not making school acquaintances will have to take a raincheck.

There was only one way I could enjoy my commencement ceremony, being drunk. I told my mum, she didn't take that comment well and I had a verbal lashing. Well, fuck her if she can't take a joke, even if she's my mum.

If there was one thing I anticipated, it was staring. Considering how my hair has been a trademark, the therefor lack of it raised a few brows. And the only thing worst than staring is people asking rhetorically obvious questions,

They: "Did you cut your hair?!?!!"

Everytime someone asked me that I was glad this was an Arts and Social Science faculty and not optometry.

The robe fitting room was compounded product of ebullience and vanity. Everyone busy tucking away loose hair, continuosly adjusting and re-adjusting their robes, all while their high pitched exuberance rang echos in the hall. I came, not knowing how to tie a tie and no idea how the gown was worn.

As soon as I robed and was ushered off to be seated, I realised what a farce this was going to turn out to be. They were screening some interview crap on 4 nerds telling everyone how much NUS had enriched their lives and how fulfilling their time here has been. Do people actually realise the bullshit coming out of their mouths some times when there's a mic to it?

They should be interviewing me. I won't have gotten a better reaction from the crowd even if I'm half as pretty as I once was.

Me: "I love NUS, no other institution will allow me to come to sch half drunk on the tail-end of a hangover and still be able to the graduate. That's how easy the school gives it to us."

Turns out my friend was seated next to me and we spent the next half hour paying no attention to the crap going on stage. I start insulting the scholars,

Me: "These have to be the biggest nerds ever. Look at him, I bet he's never seen a vagina before."

Me: "She's so a virgin..."

Me: "I bet he dreams about fucking his books every night"

Some of these scholars are actually decent looking, like they actually have a life beyond books and warcraft and they've seen tits outside porn. The rest look like they masturbate to iPod commercials.

Some First Class Honors dude comes on stage to give a speech. He sounds exactly like he was ripped from some period drama dubbed in English. Everything he said was so poetically Chinese Kung Fu.

Me: "This fucker sounds like a fortune cookie."

He was saying ridiculous stuff about NUS being a great school and was using fictitious adjectives like "fulfilling", "enriching" and "nurturing". I waited for someone to drag him off stage and give him a good ass whooping, but no one had the guts. So I did the next best thing, and had a blowjob discussion with Lynn. This was of cos after she told me how she found my blog and her friend was asking if the stories are real. (YES, I've repeated many times. They are.)

Lynn: "So what makes a good blowjob?"
Me: "No teeth, eye contact and alot of imagination."
Lynn: "So what's the best blowjob you've had."
Me: "Anything Japanese, they give the best blowjobs. They're born with a natural flair for sucking dicks"

Lynn: "My friend told me about this girl from hall, apparently she puts ice into her mouth while giving it."
Me: "YES and then hot tea. Cold hot cold hot.. orgasmic."
Lynn: "Sounds damn pain for the guy, what if the tea is too hot."
Me: "ARE YOU CRAZY?!"

The video camera starts panning across the hall.

Me: "If they screen me, I'm going to perform a blowjob on my certificate holder".

I'll break down the after ceremony, mandatory phototaking session for you. Total friends taken picture with.. 3.

My photo's are a recycle of us, in various pose and background. LB hasn't grad, RoundEyes didn't go, and this effectively reduces my friend count by half.

Me: "This sucks, I have no friends."
Mum: "We walk the other side see if you can find friends."
Me: "Mummy, I spent 3yrs here and I made 5 friends. Do you really think I'll make more friends on my way over there?"