Why Alcohol Is Good

When I run for Prime Minister soon, I'll officially hand this out and make sure EVERYONE reads this. I'll probably get stoned to death by some parent watch group but after I die, everyone will realise the sheer brilliance of my manifesto and I'll be celebrated for eternity. Of cos, I'll come back to life, because that's what alcohol does.

1. Alcohol for kids.

Alcohol should be introduced to kids somewhere along entry to kindergarten. When you send them of to school, pack in a bottle of vodka. This is especially helpful to the teachers when it comes to siesta. One shot should be enough to knock them out for a solid hour.

If your child shows early promise to be a good drinker, you might want to slip him/her something like absinthe or bacardi 151. If that fails, 1 pack of weed should do the trick. Look, nap time is important and should never be compromised, even at the expense of brain damage. I don't care what you think. I'm starting my kid early on booze. While other kids are out at the playground tossing marbles into sand, my kid is going for wine tasting. There after, I'll teach him to unhook bras.

If your kid talks back at you and they flee at the sight of your cane, just slip some whiskey into the milo. Drunk people run around ALOT slower and when they pass out, you can hand them that corporeal punishment you sadist sons of bitches always dreamed of.

Alcohol is a very good pain killer. No one feels shit when they have whiskey for pee. If your child is hyperactive and you constantly worry about him/her falling over and getting hurt, 2 shots of tequila will be enough to ensure they stay pain free. Sure, they'll fall down alot more often, ram into walls and probably puke quite often, but they'll just get right up and do that same stunt all over again. Perfect afternoon entertainment.

Lastly, if your kid is ugly and fat to begin with, just pile on the juice. Excessive alcohol is bad and last I heard it kills brain cells, but hey, if you're fat and ugly, might as well be stupid too.

2. Alcohol to get over heartaches.

The stench of denial is almost unbearable. Almost everyone has done this or at one point envisaged this to be appropriate. Naturally so since alcohol numbs the senses. Most importantly, it makes us do things we'd never in our sober outfit conceive. Like burning shit outside the ex's door, sending anthrax in a mail or watching Superman Returns.

When you're drunk and people get too close to you at a bar, punch them. Spit again at them to reiterate that this IS your territory and if they should ever come within spits length again, you'll not hesitate to kick ass because you know Drunken Fist Boxing. We're Asians, we all have Kung Fu starter kits at birth.

I never understood why people drink when they're depressed or scorned by cupid. It's perfect waste of good liqour. If I was depressed cos someone dumped my ass, I'll go out and fuck some chick at the bar. You should too. Have some self worth, go find a prostitute if you have no game. Think of it as charity.

3. Alcohol, getting ugly people laid.

The only way I would EVER fuck anyone above my weight category is if I was shit housed drunk, can't aim my pee into a swimming pool and put at gun point. If so, you'd have to convince me that fucking a whale is not considered sex. But that's me.

The thing about alcohol is that everyone starts to look better after the 5th glass. The ones that still look like there here for the sumo convention after the 10th glass should just slit their wrist with the glass shards from the bottle that I WILL be smashing them with. Hey, if you don't die, you'll probably lose weight from the blood loss. Either way you see it, you're doing society a favour.

4. Alchohol, the social adhesive.

Com'on, do I need to receipt all evidence of this? You drink, you get drunk, you start talking trash. Next thing you know, you have an ashtray coming for your head. You hit the floor hard because you had one too many shots and your reaction is on par with 86yr old grannies at the Dance Revolution arcade machines. EVERYONE joins in the ass beating because nothing beats kicking someone when they are down. Never tried? You should.

Don't you love how it brings us together?

The thing is, alcohol is a stimulant. As much as you'll want to deny it because you are a bad drinker and no one loves you when you're sober, it really is. If you are a NERD, the introduction of alcohol into your system will result in. what will be for you, a social epoch. A fleeting moment when you escape your mundane life and you contribute to society in ways other than updating Warcraft patches.

Example:

I become extremely sociable when I have a good amount of juice in me. The other night we went Geographers (Thai Disco) and I continued my trail of social suicide.

Me: "How old are you?"
Dancer: "30."
Me: "30??!?!?! Are you kidding me?! DOES YOUR KID KNOW YOU"RE HERE?!"

Me: "What's your name?"
Waitress: "Alicia."
Me: "If you're gonna work here, you gotta get a name I can remember. Something like Lulu or Lucy."

Did you really think I was going to propagate farcical dogma about how alcohol makes people friendlier. Do you want to know why they're friendlier? That's because they covet your drinks and your chick if she's hot. The ink of such rapacious stare, I see it a mile coming. Fat people will never experience this, because no one will give a fuck about them, unless of cos they have a bar replica on their table and they don't have body odor that will kill Pepe Le Pew. RARITY.

Seriously, people are shameless. GT4 and I go round telling people it's my birthday just so that they will offer us drinks. Did I just hear you snigger and call me cheap?

5. Alcohol as an excuse

When sex goes bad, blame it on the juice.

You: "Sorry, I'm drunk.."

Then proceed to pee on them just to convince them you really are drunk. Trust me, naked people take bullshit alot better then clothed ones. Just imagine all the shit that happens after sex. Cuddles, empty promises.. shotgun... pubes on the bed.. *shudders*.

2 months later, you're a single mum, knocked up and you'll think that night was bullshit.
20 years later, your kid is fat and ugly. And you'll wish you'd had fucked me instead.

We blame everything on alcohol. The next time someone tells you,

They: "Sorry but I was drunk..."

Jabbed them hard between the eyes. Then say,

You: "Well I guess I'm drunk too.. I actually missed the eyes."

*Girls only. Read on.
Ladies, punch them in the groin,

You: "I missed? Im either drunk or it's smaller than I thought..."

Well, the next time someone tells you, you're ugly. Tell them you're drunk, then stab them with the edge of a broken stool. When you're drunk, you have to beat people up more viciously. Its really a status thing. Drunk = Macho = Unglamourous. Its a mutually exclusive thing.

If someone tells you you're fat... They are usually right. Kill yourself. Please.