Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Why Alcohol Is Good

When I run for Prime Minister soon, I'll officially hand this out and make sure EVERYONE reads this. I'll probably get stoned to death by some parent watch group but after I die, everyone will realise the sheer brilliance of my manifesto and I'll be celebrated for eternity. Of cos, I'll come back to life, because that's what alcohol does.

1. Alcohol for kids.

Alcohol should be introduced to kids somewhere along entry to kindergarten. When you send them of to school, pack in a bottle of vodka. This is especially helpful to the teachers when it comes to siesta. One shot should be enough to knock them out for a solid hour.

If your child shows early promise to be a good drinker, you might want to slip him/her something like absinthe or bacardi 151. If that fails, 1 pack of weed should do the trick. Look, nap time is important and should never be compromised, even at the expense of brain damage. I don't care what you think. I'm starting my kid early on booze. While other kids are out at the playground tossing marbles into sand, my kid is going for wine tasting. There after, I'll teach him to unhook bras.

If your kid talks back at you and they flee at the sight of your cane, just slip some whiskey into the milo. Drunk people run around ALOT slower and when they pass out, you can hand them that corporeal punishment you sadist sons of bitches always dreamed of.

Alcohol is a very good pain killer. No one feels shit when they have whiskey for pee. If your child is hyperactive and you constantly worry about him/her falling over and getting hurt, 2 shots of tequila will be enough to ensure they stay pain free. Sure, they'll fall down alot more often, ram into walls and probably puke quite often, but they'll just get right up and do that same stunt all over again. Perfect afternoon entertainment.

Lastly, if your kid is ugly and fat to begin with, just pile on the juice. Excessive alcohol is bad and last I heard it kills brain cells, but hey, if you're fat and ugly, might as well be stupid too.

2. Alcohol to get over heartaches.

The stench of denial is almost unbearable. Almost everyone has done this or at one point envisaged this to be appropriate. Naturally so since alcohol numbs the senses. Most importantly, it makes us do things we'd never in our sober outfit conceive. Like burning shit outside the ex's door, sending anthrax in a mail or watching Superman Returns.

When you're drunk and people get too close to you at a bar, punch them. Spit again at them to reiterate that this IS your territory and if they should ever come within spits length again, you'll not hesitate to kick ass because you know Drunken Fist Boxing. We're Asians, we all have Kung Fu starter kits at birth.

I never understood why people drink when they're depressed or scorned by cupid. It's perfect waste of good liqour. If I was depressed cos someone dumped my ass, I'll go out and fuck some chick at the bar. You should too. Have some self worth, go find a prostitute if you have no game. Think of it as charity.

3. Alcohol, getting ugly people laid.

The only way I would EVER fuck anyone above my weight category is if I was shit housed drunk, can't aim my pee into a swimming pool and put at gun point. If so, you'd have to convince me that fucking a whale is not considered sex. But that's me.

The thing about alcohol is that everyone starts to look better after the 5th glass. The ones that still look like there here for the sumo convention after the 10th glass should just slit their wrist with the glass shards from the bottle that I WILL be smashing them with. Hey, if you don't die, you'll probably lose weight from the blood loss. Either way you see it, you're doing society a favour.

4. Alchohol, the social adhesive
.

Com'on, do I need to receipt all evidence of this? You drink, you get drunk, you start talking trash. Next thing you know, you have an ashtray coming for your head. You hit the floor hard because you had one too many shots and your reaction is on par with 86yr old grannies at the Dance Revolution arcade machines. EVERYONE joins in the ass beating because nothing beats kicking someone when they are down. Never tried? You should.

Don't you love how it brings us together?

The thing is, alcohol is a stimulant. As much as you'll want to deny it because you are a bad drinker and no one loves you when you're sober, it really is. If you are a NERD, the introduction of alcohol into your system will result in. what will be for you, a social epoch. A fleeting moment when you escape your mundane life and you contribute to society in ways other than updating Warcraft patches.

Example:

I become extremely sociable when I have a good amount of juice in me. The other night we went Geographers (Thai Disco) and I continued my trail of social suicide.

Me: "How old are you?"
Dancer: "30."
Me: "30??!?!?! Are you kidding me?! DOES YOUR KID KNOW YOU"RE HERE?!"

Me: "What's your name?"
Waitress: "Alicia."
Me: "If you're gonna work here, you gotta get a name I can remember. Something like Lulu or Lucy."

Did you really think I was going to propagate farcical dogma about how alcohol makes people friendlier. Do you want to know why they're friendlier? That's because they covet your drinks and your chick if she's hot. The ink of such rapacious stare, I see it a mile coming. Fat people will never experience this, because no one will give a fuck about them, unless of cos they have a bar replica on their table and they don't have body odor that will kill Pepe Le Pew. RARITY.

Seriously, people are shameless. GT4 and I go round telling people it's my birthday just so that they will offer us drinks. Did I just hear you snigger and call me cheap?

5. Alcohol as an excuse

When sex goes bad, blame it on the juice.

You: "Sorry, I'm drunk.."

Then proceed to pee on them just to convince them you really are drunk. Trust me, naked people take bullshit alot better then clothed ones. Just imagine all the shit that happens after sex. Cuddles, empty promises.. shotgun... pubes on the bed.. *shudders*.

2 months later, you're a single mum, knocked up and you'll think that night was bullshit.
20 years later, your kid is fat and ugly. And you'll wish you'd had fucked me instead.

We blame everything on alcohol. The next time someone tells you,

They: "Sorry but I was drunk..."

Jabbed them hard between the eyes. Then say,

You: "Well I guess I'm drunk too.. I actually missed the eyes."

*Girls only. Read on.
Ladies, punch them in the groin,

You: "I missed? Im either drunk or it's smaller than I thought..."

Well, the next time someone tells you, you're ugly. Tell them you're drunk, then stab them with the edge of a broken stool. When you're drunk, you have to beat people up more viciously. Its really a status thing. Drunk = Macho = Unglamourous. Its a mutually exclusive thing.

If someone tells you you're fat... They are usually right. Kill yourself. Please.

13 Comments:

At 9:48 AM, Blogger sÞ¡ηηєє said...

haha another entertaining post..

booze is good. i have to agree. i still think kids should start drinking around 15-16. by that time, their body composition are more stable, less chances of screwing up their growth.

whoever create alchohol deserve respect!

 
At 10:59 PM, Blogger Scarletr0se said...

......

so is this the entry that has got to do with me?

KINDERGARTEN KIDS? =/

i thought i was SOMETHING else butterfly.

 
At 6:16 PM, Blogger Ecstasy said...

Do I sense a hint of emo there? Anyway dblo was good. Managed to get 3 people close to puking before I got tired. Hope you'd a good sat too ;)

 
At 12:24 AM, Blogger The Horny Bitch said...

Luckily I'm the only person that claimed I'm fat..

 
At 9:11 PM, Blogger brockbron said...

http://www.celtic-spas.co.ukStevie from http://www.celtic-spas.co.uk spa specialist.

 
At 9:05 AM, Blogger xanthus said...

Swimmng pool guys don't get a lot of swimming pool chemicals till we get "really" famous - but we live and breathe our swimming pool chemicals regardless. swimming pool chemicals
Keith
http://www.onlinepoolchemicals.co.uk

 
At 10:36 AM, Blogger oakleyses said...

louis vuitton, oakley sunglasses, ugg boots, oakley sunglasses, nike outlet, prada handbags, ugg boots, michael kors outlet, kate spade outlet, ray ban sunglasses, louis vuitton outlet, uggs on sale, oakley sunglasses, christian louboutin outlet, ray ban sunglasses, tiffany and co, michael kors outlet, oakley sunglasses, gucci outlet, tiffany jewelry, michael kors, michael kors outlet, louboutin shoes, louis vuitton, michael kors outlet, polo ralph lauren outlet, ugg boots, replica watches, burberry outlet online, cheap oakley sunglasses, jordan shoes, nike air max, nike free, longchamp, replica watches, nike air max, chanel handbags, michael kors outlet, louboutin, louis vuitton outlet, burberry, louis vuitton

 
At 10:42 AM, Blogger oakleyses said...

louboutin pas cher, coach purses, hogan, michael kors, sac longchamp, lacoste pas cher, true religion jeans, vanessa bruno, abercrombie and fitch, coach outlet, sac guess, hermes, ralph lauren pas cher, coach factory outlet, michael kors, lululemon, nike blazer, nike air max, nike free, ralph lauren uk, air force, new balance pas cher, air jordan pas cher, true religion jeans, converse pas cher, nike roshe, north face, true religion jeans, ray ban pas cher, vans pas cher, nike roshe run, michael kors, michael kors, ray ban uk, nike free run uk, oakley pas cher, hollister pas cher, nike air max, nike air max, timberland, kate spade handbags, tn pas cher, coach outlet, longchamp pas cher, air max, north face, mulberry, burberry, true religion outlet, hollister

 
At 10:46 AM, Blogger oakleyses said...

babyliss, north face outlet, north face outlet, giuseppe zanotti, s5 cases, nike roshe, louboutin, baseball bats, valentino shoes, beats by dre, ferragamo shoes, iphone 6 plus cases, ipad cases, bottega veneta, iphone 6s cases, hollister, mont blanc, nike huarache, birkin bag, iphone 6s plus cases, chi flat iron, vans shoes, nfl jerseys, soccer shoes, mcm handbags, hollister, abercrombie and fitch, instyler, timberland boots, lululemon, ralph lauren, new balance, soccer jerseys, celine handbags, jimmy choo shoes, herve leger, nike trainers, reebok shoes, iphone cases, insanity workout, oakley, p90x workout, longchamp, wedding dresses, asics running shoes, iphone 5s cases, iphone 6 cases, nike air max, ghd, mac cosmetics

 
At 10:50 AM, Blogger oakleyses said...

ugg boots uk, converse outlet, lancel, gucci, swarovski crystal, hollister, barbour, moncler, nike air max, canada goose outlet, links of london, ugg pas cher, converse, ugg,ugg australia,ugg italia, barbour jackets, pandora charms, pandora charms, sac louis vuitton pas cher, pandora jewelry, vans, louis vuitton, moncler, canada goose, swarovski, canada goose uk, juicy couture outlet, canada goose, karen millen, moncler, louis vuitton, canada goose outlet, louis vuitton, moncler, canada goose, coach outlet, michael kors outlet online, montre pas cher, michael kors handbags, supra shoes, toms shoes, wedding dresses, moncler, doke gabbana outlet, moncler, louis vuitton, pandora jewelry, juicy couture outlet, ugg,uggs,uggs canada

 
At 10:11 AM, Blogger Minko Chen said...

cheap ugg boots
valentino outlet
snapbacks wholesale
michael kors online outlet
louis vuitton outlet online
lululemon pants
air force 1 shoes
toms outlet store
chanel handbags outlet
adidas outlet
chicago blackhawks
ugg outlet online
louis vuitton bags
babyliss flat iron
rolex watches
rolex watches outlet
canada goose jackets
michael kors handbags sale
ferragamo outlet
tommy hilfiger
1205minko

 
At 12:39 AM, Blogger داليا said...


. Lucky me I came across your website by chance
http://www.kuwait.prokr.net/
http://www.emirates.prokr.net/

 
At 2:21 AM, Blogger omar ali said...

Thanks for supplying this info
http://antiinsects.webstarts.com/blog
http://antiinsects.bravesites.com/blog
http://antiinsects.beep.com/
Egyclassic.com

 

Post a Comment

<< Home