Friday, August 11, 2006

Why Dates Should Be Silent

My name is Butterfly. I am an asshole, and I love silent romances.

Date's are always good when people talk less. If you've got brains from the discount section and you're not funny, shut up. It's simple really. I'd pre-empt you on this, if its the one good deed I'm cursed for eternity with. Look, if I greet your joke with a stare, get the hint and start picking up other skills like suicide. Life is better without you.

The recipe for this is simple. Add one part VERY attractive lady to your exisiting equation and you already have yourself one distraction from talking. Next you need the language barrier to stop you from effective communication. Nobody should ever need to talk on a date. I'll make it really easy so that the airheads that date me need only visual cues to react. If I snap my fingers it once, I'm asking you to follow my lead. Anything more, usually means I'm trying to figure something at the tip of my tongue.

To say that my week was a debaucherous affair, would be negating the impact that the people I've met, have on me. Yes, like all typical night out for me, alcohol is almost a neccessity and the company of a VERY hot girl or its plural, are carnal pleasantries I'm blessed with.

My appetite for alcohol is matched only by my concupiscence for hot bodies (girls only), meshed in a provocative dance. I usually like it when they dedicate their ass grinding to me, because I'm the only person worth doing so.

Truth be told, I've found an ancedote. I can count you the things I like about her, rhapsodize about cosmic and astrological alignments, palaver you with tales of her smile, and yet nothing will befittingly narrate my addiction. All you need to know is how I smiled.

The best thing about being in a cultural exchange relationship is that you can shut up for 3 hours straight on a date and no one feels awkward. All you have to do is smile, make stupid faces, randomly stick out your tongue and basically let your charm do the work. This is perfectly good for me since my aptitude for conversations are selectively merit by topicsm but anything that invovles me and you in the sack deserves a good amount of my time.

Silence is the best thing you can offer me if you have neither the verbal competence to engage me or your jokes are recycled from the Peanuts comic strip. Either way, I'm actually perfectly comfortable with you just hugging me, PROVIDED you are the hottest girl in my general 10 yard vicinity. You need to constantly reassure me that I made the right choice.

I've just dated one other girl who loves talking. Which is the polar opposite of this other girl. The good thing about this is that she's interesting and I'm attracted to her, physically. She dresses well, has her hair pinned up just the way I like and she reminds me ALOT of Flora Chan. It's a personal preference but I absolutely the actress.

Whatever intellectual stimulation I lack with the First girl in mention, is made up for through language and her absolutely hot piece of ass. Not that I hate dates to be an avenue for verbal communication, but sometimes people should just shut up and kiss me.

YOU ARE FREE TO DISAGREE WITH ME, BUT YOU ARE WRONG

I'll tell you why date's should be silent,

1. When you talk less, you kiss more.

I have no interest in political issues and my knowledge of current affairs is limited to offers at the MacDonald's delievery set. Neither am I usually interested in your hobbies or interest, unless it's really interesting like stamp collecting or gardening. I love watching you talk only because of the way your lips move.

Kissing on first dates is strongly advised. Want to leave a strong impression? Kiss me. I'd be honest. It's probably going to be the only thing that I'll ever remember. All of us should kiss on the first date, that way I don't have to go into the second date to seperate the bad kissers from the good. You'll save me time and $6.90 for the Whooper meal I'm treating you to.

2. It's more romantic.

When you shut up, you give time for imagination. Do not spoil the moment unless you have something romantic to whisper to me. Things like 'fuck me' or 'I'm not wearing underwear' are some of the sweetest things you can say to me on a date. Other than that, I don't want you ruining my train of thoughts.

If your date talks too much, slap them. Do it repeatedly till you see formation of ulcers. Don't take chances if you think they are still capable of talking. They need to respect my notion of romance.

Look, just sit there and look pretty. You really deserve a spit or two if you try to talk and ruin everything with your foul abuse of the English language. How can anything be remotely romantic if you are yakking away about your great Mango sale buys to your inquisition of my love life?

3. I need time to focus.

There more pressing matters than conversational value. Things that are detrimental to relationships like boob cup size, facial flaws and flabby abs. When you shut up, I'm no longer obligated to maintain eye contact. This would mean your game plan might involve a different strategy. Push up bras are good tools to begin with.

Do you really think people pay attention to you talk when you have a plunging neckline?! Guys are shallow creatures. I know so. I'm a major at this. If you are boring, wear something REALLY low, or you'll never get more than 5 secs of my devotion. Alternatively, you can go date a butch, and miss out on all the cock action.

4. When you shut up, you say less stupid things

You can never imagine the kind of stupidity I've put up with. I've had girls point to flickering plane lights and wondered why stars moved. I've had girls tell me 'it's not about love.. it's the feeling you get'.

Say WHAT?

Save your Class 95 love quips for that potential MacDonald's boyfriend who's getting that long awaited promotion to cook french fries. If you belong to the foremention group, pray that you belong to the higher percentile of gorgeous people. Only when you have a pretty face and about a C cup, will you be excused for stupidity. That's because as they say, God is fair.

5. SHUT UP

Only 5 percent of the popluation should be given tongues. The rest are idiots. The perfect date starts with a kiss, then deteriorates into great sex and finally you ending it with ,

"You're an asshole".

10 Comments:

At 6:50 PM, Blogger sÞ¡ηηєє said...

yes. pple should talk less.

'cuz the lesser pple know about u, the more mysterious u appear. that equates to increase of appeal.

but again, if the person is ugly and CMI, i think tons of silence can't help. =\

 
At 8:16 PM, Blogger Clarence said...

LOL. I like talking. Nuff said. :P

 
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