Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Butterfly writes lifestory

Dominic the nerd actually wrote a 6 page history about his life for my friend, furnished with a comprehensive resume which he created an Annex for. I laughed my ass off because the letter started off with,

"I realised that you may want to know more about my history as a person, like the schools that I have been to, to get to know me better. So here I am writing this letter to you for your information."

I, in all my ingenuity for narrative bullshit can NEVER possibly come up with a letter that capsuled the epitome of a nerd life. Look, unless your lifestory includes in one point of time, sex, it shouldn't be documented into anything more than 8 words. That would be,

"I wished I had a life like Butterfly's"

Naturally, I cannot be eclipsed by a nerd, so I'm writing one, following the 'matter-of-fact' delivery he had in his article.

"Dear ALL,

Its obvious that you'd rather know more of me than some bromidic school teacher, like the schools I've been to and my prosaic interest before sex and alcohol weaved into the equation.

I was in Bethel Play Centre for my kindergarten, one that I attended with my sister (26, now married). In school, I learnt that ALL the other kids were morons who took hours figuring the alphabets. During nap time, I also realized that it’s appropriate for girls and boys to be sleeping together as well as holding hands. For some reason, they made us hold hands alot. I believed this to be my earliest informal education on foreplay. Ain't kindergarten's great? Who says we're faced with an insitutional lag on sexual education.

I was a genius at the English language by the time I was 6. It didn’t matter that I didn’t know how to count because I always got the other idiots in class to do it for me. I never understood the need for subtraction and wondered why anyone would want less, when they can have more.

Kindergarten was also my first contact with the Lord Jesus Christ, and I always thought he was a cool dude. Largely because he turned water to wine and he had an endless supply of bread. Now that, is cool.

I went to St. Gabriels Primary. The kids there were still the same breed idiots, except when it came to Chinese. I wondered why everyone was breezing through it, especially when I didn’t understand a word that bitch ass teacher was saying, so I ignored that bitch. BIG MISTAKE.

I picked up badminton in primary 3. It was the only sport that didn't require direct physical contact with the opposition and it beats holding a rubbered paddle. By the time I was in Primary 5, I was the best in school. I ruled, and I tried to change my name to Rudy Hartono. Soon, We won the North-East Zone title and made it to the nationals, our only victory there was from a team that didn't turn up (YEAH!!). Don't you just love walkovers.

By the time I was in Primary Six, I was ugly. Thanks to big ugly specs, but everyone loved me because I was a sports hero.

In Secondary, I continued badminton and soon grew tired of it because my China coach hated me. Largely because I had no idea what that bitch was saying and she thought I was being difficult. That Bitch. I hated PRCs until 3 years ago when I realized that beyond the unshaved armpits, they were generally pretty and good in bed.

My other ECA was NPCC, I messed that up too. I got suspended because I refused to participate in some lashing lesson. Whatever. My ECA points still kicked ass because of my badminton. Idiots..

My grades sucked a lot. In sec 4 mid yrs, I scored - -. That’s for only passing English and screwing up EVERYTHING with F9s. I also topped the level in English in sec 1, which is the only high point of my ecademic career, unless you count 'getting an A because the teacher thinks I'm cute'. When the prelims came, I scored 35 points and MOE gave me $150 for Good Progress, what a bunch of morons. I was also the 5th best in class with that joke of a grade. Amazing.

I finally made it to JC with 16 points. Despite picking xxx as 4th choice, behind TPJC, CJC and SRJC, I still made it to that torn down junk. Great, because I was an idiot not to pick it in the first place.

The first year in JC. (DELETED FROM MEMORY)"

Com'on.. Do you really want to listen to my lifestory?


At 9:31 PM, Blogger The Horny Bitch said...

Need me to continue from there?

At 3:16 AM, Blogger Ecstasy said...

That should be interesting HB. Please do haha.

At 8:05 AM, Blogger Scarletr0se said...

NO. Your life story sucks and wtf, u played BADMINTON?!?!

At 12:15 PM, Blogger Clarence said...

wa lau continue leh LOL.

Like how many NUS biatches u took to bed or something.
Now that should make for interesting reading.
and dammit how did u find my blog?

At 6:06 PM, Blogger sÞ¡ηηєє said...

at this rate you are writing, I'm sure everyone wanna know.

me too haha...

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