Butterfly Hates Desaru

If there was ever a place that needs to be buried in 10 feet of volcanic ash, it's Desaru. It's officially the WORST holiday spot EVER. I know, postcard white sandy beaches and crystal clear waters are but an urban utopian mirage, a myth, an Atlantis that we always seek but never find. Not with shallow pockets at least. But Desaru is the Devil's reject hut. I'm better off watching transsexual midget porn.

The transport there told me everything about how wrong a holiday could get. A campy mini bus with unreclinable seats and lingering scent of cheap morning aftershave, decorated with relics of the past weeks potato chip party wedged between seats. Lovely. I wished I brought along a deflatable sex doll to make out with.

Some asshole told me Desaru was about an hrs drive from the customs checkpoint. I took a nap, woke up about 2 hours later to find that we're still on the road. Another half hour later, I'm convinced Desaru is located near Beijing. I wake up periodically mumbling things like,

"Are we in China.."

"When are we passing the next LV store."

I'll tell you where Desaru is.

It's a fucking 2 1/2 hour drive from civilisation. It's at a place where the Devil abandoned because it drove him mad with boredom. Do you know why Hitler has one testicle? He cut the other one off when he tried staying here for 2 nights. You drive through ENDLESSLY on oil palm lined roads and teaser posters of Desaru with backgrounds that are always coupled with a girl in white swimwear lying on a white sandy beach, and what's waiting for you at the end of the rainbow?

An ugly green leprechaun trying to fuck your pinkie. Metaphorically.

I now realised why they put Desaru off the main NS Highway. It was a faint attempt to save accidental tourists or (hands up if this is you) coerced holiday participation. The damn Tsunami needs to get it right the next time and wipe this one off the map.

We turn into the resort and I see monkey's scurrying out. Great welcome, would have loved bikini babes but squirrels and monkeys are ok. Stop here if you have a Desaru trip planned.. I am about to destroy everything about it.

1. I get there and see a pool.

Simple equation. Pool = bikini = girls = great afternoon entertainment

My lack of forsight is quickly pronounced by the kids infested baby pool.

Simple equation. Kids = mothers = saggy boobs

I am at a kindergarten graduation party. It has to be because there is no one else around that doesn't have a kid. Mothers are swimming in T-shirts and I'm beginning to wonder if stupidity is geographically confined.

2. The beach

Have you seen a beach with more dead leaves than sand? No? Go there. You'll knock yourself out just choosing which leaf to use as a bookmark.

I not sure if this qualifies as a beach. I'm pretty sure you need at least one topless sun-bathing chick to legitmately call it one. I get there and the closest thing to a bikini is a 50yr old man fishing from shore. Read it right. FROM SHORE. I'm wrong, this has to be the jetty then.

I can take a piss in the playground and call my puddle a beach and you'll enjoy it so much better. Unless you are planning a mass suicide there, there's nothing much you can do. Oh wait.. I'm wrong...

3. The Activities Board.

How can there be nothing to do when the Activities board is plastered with a myraid of curriculum, that is written by spastics while they are on their 3rd joint of pot. It includes,

- "Meditate on the beach to nature's sound"
- "Fun in the pool with friends"
- "Meet new friends"
- "Enjoy the Desaru sun"

Yippie, this has to be more fun than strip poker. I start jumping for joy and piss my pants from all the excitement. There's no place I'd rather be doing all that. The Desaru sun has to be good. I travelled 3 hours, gave up a Saturday and I have no one to fuck. I hope I get skin cancer and die while meeting new people at the pool. Death is so much easier than the weekend I'm going to have.

4. Everyone whispers.

Is it me or is every Malaysian there due for a vocal chord surgery? EVERYONE fucking whispers when they answer me. For crying out loud, all I did was ask for cards and I had to strain to catch the reply like I'm in a broken telephone game. Just fucking talk like a man! I'm not even asking you for condoms! It's cards from Christ's sake.

5. My Room

No complaints. My room was decent save for the balcony door that's spoilt, the flush that's leaking and the air-con that broke down on us. All that's left is to find a Bangladeshi hiding away in the wardrobe.

I get there to find 1 Queen sized bed and 1 single. I need to find someone to sleep with for the night. I look out the window to see what looks like the community centre line dancing troop and decide I'll rather get drunk and give this toilet bowl a good licking.

If anyone tells you Desaru is fun, punch them in the nose. They are obviously liars.

The only thing worth my memory was the drinking session we had at night after dinner and that's ONLY becuase I almost caused a break up. I'd love to tell you a story of how I stole a kiss, but nothing of that sort happened. It all started over a game of "I have never". If you don't know the game I've no interest in explanation.

For those who know the game.. read on.

Me: "I have never had sex in a hotel."

Couple A, both drinks. I drink. Couple B, girl doesn't drink. Guy drinks. She stares at him.

She: "SINCE WHEN DID YOU HAVE SEX IN A HOTEL?!?!"

Guy tries to trivialize it by waving her off. There is NO WAY I'm going to let this end with a whimper. I make a quick pact with God that if this blows out of porportions, I'll stay sober for the whole night. This is better than Jerry Springer.

She: "NO!! I WANT TO KNOW! WHEN DID YOU HAVE SEX IN A HOTEL?!!? I KNOW I DIDN"T!!"

In the middle of her hysterically interrogating him, I break into a laugh.

Me: "HAHAHAHAHAHAHA I love it when this shit happens. HAHAHAHAHAHA"

Some of them look at me with enough contempt to accuse Eunuchs of masturbating. Fuck them. If you can't play a game without getting upset, you should NEVER hang around me. I can't begin to describe the sheer stupidity of people after a few drinks. Look, its not like we took a vow of death to tell the truth. If you have to, LIE. It's just a drinking game.. people should never impose morals or integrity on games made for social cohesion.