Sunday, August 13, 2006

Butterfly Gets Pimped To A Whale

My life is at a saturation point of boredom. This past Friday, I actually threw all regularity out and did two things you would NEVER imagine. Note, I was lying when I said it was my birthday. Everyday should be, but it isn't. To those that sent me well wishes, I'll forward that to the 31st when it's the actual date.

I was in attendance at a Christian Rock concert. Not on a voluntary impulse, but largely because I was presented with a blind option.

Kev: "Hey, I bought tickets for to a Christian rock concert for you and Dennis. It's on Fri. You can go right?"

I didn't know whether to shout for joy or for a butcher's knife. I waited for the second option.

Kev: "We'll go together after work."

Great, I started wondering if he had my low calories diet meal all planned out for the week too.

The concert was decent, save for the fact that I was the least enthusiatic soul in the whole hall. If you've been to anything organised by Christians, you'll know that they shout and cheer at everything. They started frowning at my nonchalance to every other song which they ALWAYS tell me,

"This is the best song!"

I excused myself to the toilet and saw a boy seated next to the door, immersed in his PSP. I am now officially the 2nd least enuthsiastic person. I start eyeing him with the same contempt people have been giving me all night.

I headed to MOS after that. Nothing beats giving debauchery alittle attention after church. My night there was promised to be a tempestous affair for my ailing liver. It started with an afternoon tease of,

Reznor: "Tonight MOS, drinks.."

Then it blew into an afternoon orgasm to cure my prosiac work life.

"3 bottles of Whiskey.."

You have no idea what these words do to me. If wetting my pants in excitement was still legitimately normal for 25yr olds, I'd have peed right in them.

I managed to convince HB (more commonly known to some of you as The Horny Bitch), that her morning flight deserves her going to work drunk. Since some of you might have read her post of the night, I'll need to iron out some minor details.

We get to the place and start off casually with a glass of wine. My motley crew is late and only GT4 is here with us for appetizers. 30mins later, pissed with Reznor for being late, we begin the road to damnation without him.

Ash comes to join us and HB remarks about her being hot. I pay no attention to complements not directed to me and continue drinking. I take out my glow sticks and do what I do best. Get attention.

If you’ve been out drinking with me, you’ll know that alcohol is my one excuse for being a TOTAL asshole. I’ll brand anything unsightly with derogatory terms, trash talk and practically poke fun of anyone you want me to.

Then she appears. Bumping up and down as clumpsily as her stubby feet carried her. The whale, the one thing that will definitely ensure my passport to retribution. Right, in case you're reading for the first time, I term all things obese as whales.

I tell my friend, Faith,

Me: "HOO SHIT, she definately paid $50 bucks to come in."
Faith: "HAHAHHHAHAHAHA.....That's damn mean of you..."

I go over to HB,

Me: "I am going take a picture with her. You are going to take one for me."

HB begins with telling me (like everyone does) how mean I am, then starts laughing at the whole idea. She is obviously going to hell with me.

Ash comes in and we pitch her the plan,

Ash: "Need my help? I can help you, you know."
Me: "I do not need help."

Ash goes over and starts talking to the Whale which looks to devour her with a nibble. She looks like a plankton next to Free Willy. This is great. I have one hot girl pimping me to marine life. If I have to rate my chances, I'll say it's a good perfect 10. I need to be honest, I didn't pick her up, Ash actually did most of the work.

2 mins later, Ash is walking over with the Whale.

Ash: "This is Butterfly, he'll like to have a picture taken with you."
Whale: "Hi! Nice to meet you."

I signal for HB to ready the camera. This requires some amount of skill to fit us both in the piture.

Whale: "Hey, nice!" [pointing to my glowsticks] "My favourite colour!"
Me: "Really? Good, I hate this colour then."
Whale: "Can I have it?"

I give it to her and she starts ATTACHING IT TO HER BRA STRAP! I cannot possibly be making this up. At least 40 people saw her with a pink glowstick clipped 2 inches above her right breast. Whale belongs to the few who are cursed with the trinity of cardinal sins. She's, FAT, FLAT and UGLY.

Me: "Wah.. do you have to clip it there?!"

She goes off, then periodically comes back. Each time to compliment me on things from 'Good handshake' to 'you're a good dancer'. Her other friends stare on in bewilderment at her supernatural popularity. Well, we love keeping whales as pets. They make great afternoon entertainment.

Eugg and Reznor finally come. Ash starts getting drunk from playing 5-10 with HB and I'm distracted between toasting with the other girls and keeping a lookout for the Whale. Everytime I spot her I'll say to them,

Me: "There she blows!!"

Me: "Are you guys blind!? How can you NOT spot her?!"

Whale finally comes over to get our numbers. I point her to HB and walk away. I tell the guys, "There's enough of her to go round. Do not worry about not getting any. "

Me: "HB, I need to take a FULL body pic with her. This is important."

I've not seen the pictures yet, but when I do, I'll show you, if I'm feeling nice. She starts telling me horrible stuff like, 'hanging out together in future'. I ignore all that she is saying and stare at the ripples on her skin around the cheeks and neck as she talks. I can't remember who, but a couple of them start egging me on to kiss her. And what do I do when faced with juvenile peer pressure?

I give in.

I plant a peck on the great wide surface she calls a cheek. She is the happiest marine mammal in the world. Not everyone one is laughing about it.

Ash: "You are not kissing me tonight! I can't believe you did that!"

I start proclaiming loudly to the guys.

Me: "I just kissed a girl that is above the 80kg weight cap. I am king. You have not and you are not in my league."

Me: "I don't care what you guys think. I'm counting that one as 2 girls."

The Whale is huge, with miniature A-Cups. She's 2.5 times HB's size and her arms are packed with years of KFC drumstick weight lifting. You can turn around twice and you'll still be on her. I tried finding the next whale and then realised that NO ONE was anywhere near her league. I had caught my White Whale and everyone else now looked like they just came from a hunger strike.

Which brings me to the point about the picture. I hate it when people take up more photo space than me. I AM THE PHOTO WHORE.

In between HB FALLING on the ground laughing and being chatted up by Caucasian men. I see one fat male ass and suggest to her that she should hit on him. She obviously lacks my enthusiasm for pork chops and turns down the challenge.

Some guy points to me and goes,

Guy: "Hey, nice shuffle!"

I wave him off because he isn't fat enough to eat me whole. Whether it was the Whale going off resulting in the capacity slashing in half or the delayed effects of soberness, the night was turning out to be like any other night.

6 hrs from now, I'll be on my way to Desaru. I head home, take a dump and fall asleep while wiping my ass.

Post script: HB msgs me the next day.. verbatim,

HB: "dude send u the pics tonight k btw your whale wanna ask u out for coffee n I told her ok haha!"


At 1:11 AM, Blogger (T) (H) (B) said...

Hey I did not say u're mean cos I was mean as well... =p

At 4:37 AM, Blogger bohemian.actress said...

Guess the next time i hit on any guys in the club, i shld look @ my own size 1st, just in case i got named WHALE :P Its funny, yet so sad.. for the whale!

At 3:57 PM, Blogger Lalalalala said...

WHAHAHAHAHAHA! WTF man seriously. That makes 3 meanies. eh wait, count jamie in too. ;)
I love primary school arithmetic.

At 4:11 PM, Blogger Liquid Ecstasy said...

Damn. I missed out on another good outing haha. Post up whale pics!

At 6:23 PM, Blogger The Butterfly said...

HB has to send them to me first..

At 9:09 PM, Blogger (T) (H) (B) said...

sent to u already but i managed to edit the pics. Let me know if u want the edited (brighter versions).

At 10:08 AM, Blogger sÞ¡ηηєє said...

wtf... u danced and kissed a whale???

anyway i saw the pic at HB's blog. she looks ok.... or am I too blind to understand how whaly is that? haahahah

At 6:58 PM, Blogger Scarletr0se said...


But if you ain't mean, you ain't butterfly. :)

Know you too much to really hate u for writing all that. LOL. :P

At 10:12 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

can i please come along for the next outing... you can even call me Ah kong in your next post.

how come everytime meet you only always with LB or reznor one? i want to meet meet the ladies you selfish twat.

best post yet bro.. all we need are pics.. time to surf over to HB's blog

At 10:38 AM, Blogger oakleyses said...

louis vuitton, oakley sunglasses, ugg boots, oakley sunglasses, nike outlet, prada handbags, ugg boots, michael kors outlet, kate spade outlet, ray ban sunglasses, louis vuitton outlet, uggs on sale, oakley sunglasses, christian louboutin outlet, ray ban sunglasses, tiffany and co, michael kors outlet, oakley sunglasses, gucci outlet, tiffany jewelry, michael kors, michael kors outlet, louboutin shoes, louis vuitton, michael kors outlet, polo ralph lauren outlet, ugg boots, replica watches, burberry outlet online, cheap oakley sunglasses, jordan shoes, nike air max, nike free, longchamp, replica watches, nike air max, chanel handbags, michael kors outlet, louboutin, louis vuitton outlet, burberry, louis vuitton

At 10:44 AM, Blogger oakleyses said...

louboutin pas cher, coach purses, hogan, michael kors, sac longchamp, lacoste pas cher, true religion jeans, vanessa bruno, abercrombie and fitch, coach outlet, sac guess, hermes, ralph lauren pas cher, coach factory outlet, michael kors, lululemon, nike blazer, nike air max, nike free, ralph lauren uk, air force, new balance pas cher, air jordan pas cher, true religion jeans, converse pas cher, nike roshe, north face, true religion jeans, ray ban pas cher, vans pas cher, nike roshe run, michael kors, michael kors, ray ban uk, nike free run uk, oakley pas cher, hollister pas cher, nike air max, nike air max, timberland, kate spade handbags, tn pas cher, coach outlet, longchamp pas cher, air max, north face, mulberry, burberry, true religion outlet, hollister

At 10:48 AM, Blogger oakleyses said...

babyliss, north face outlet, north face outlet, giuseppe zanotti, s5 cases, nike roshe, louboutin, baseball bats, valentino shoes, beats by dre, ferragamo shoes, iphone 6 plus cases, ipad cases, bottega veneta, iphone 6s cases, hollister, mont blanc, nike huarache, birkin bag, iphone 6s plus cases, chi flat iron, vans shoes, nfl jerseys, soccer shoes, mcm handbags, hollister, abercrombie and fitch, instyler, timberland boots, lululemon, ralph lauren, new balance, soccer jerseys, celine handbags, jimmy choo shoes, herve leger, nike trainers, reebok shoes, iphone cases, insanity workout, oakley, p90x workout, longchamp, wedding dresses, asics running shoes, iphone 5s cases, iphone 6 cases, nike air max, ghd, mac cosmetics

At 10:52 AM, Blogger oakleyses said...

ugg boots uk, converse outlet, lancel, gucci, swarovski crystal, hollister, barbour, moncler, nike air max, canada goose outlet, links of london, ugg pas cher, converse, ugg,ugg australia,ugg italia, barbour jackets, pandora charms, pandora charms, sac louis vuitton pas cher, pandora jewelry, vans, louis vuitton, moncler, canada goose, swarovski, canada goose uk, juicy couture outlet, canada goose, karen millen, moncler, louis vuitton, canada goose outlet, louis vuitton, moncler, canada goose, coach outlet, michael kors outlet online, montre pas cher, michael kors handbags, supra shoes, toms shoes, wedding dresses, moncler, doke gabbana outlet, moncler, louis vuitton, pandora jewelry, juicy couture outlet, ugg,uggs,uggs canada

At 10:14 AM, Blogger Unknown said...

ralph lauren uk
ugg clearance
canada goose outlet
pandora outlet
tiffany outlet
oakley,occhiali oakley,oakley italia,oakley occhiali,oakley sunglasses
cheap oakley sunglasses
basketball shoes,basketball sneakers,lebron james shoes,sports shoes,kobe bryant shoes,kobe sneakers,nike basketball shoes,running shoes,mens sport shoes,nike shoes
nike foamposite
mont blanc pens
longchamp handbags outlet
coach outlet
supra shoes
michael kors outlet
ferragamo shoes
louis vuitton outlet store
converse shoes
louis vuitton handbags
hermes outlet
the north face outlet


Post a Comment

<< Home