Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Butterfly hates colleague

Some events have come into my life that needs immediate addressing ( and the occassional cathartic rant.) There's no abeyance in my social life, the lack of update is only a result of insufficient time. Call it poor time management, call it an addiction to the bottle, call it a tease...

There's someone whom I've been sharpening a pencil the whole week just so that it'll be sharp enough to stab her in the eye from me just flicking it.

Meet my colleague. REENA.

I don't know if it's possible, but this woman obviously took a license to be stupid. No one can ever be this stupid and not been punched in the face growing up. I know she hasn't, cos I asked her.

Her hobbies includes glue-sniffing and snorting peas up her nose. In her spare time, she takes courses on stupidity and constantly applies for admission to the Children School for Spastics. You think I'm mean? Go fuck yourself, then come work with her for a week. She's so dumb, she can convince me she invented stupidity.

Who the fuck,

1. Comes to ask you if they've sent an email.

She: "Hey erm.. this one (points to document) I sent email already anot?"
Me: "REENA! CHECK THE SENT ITEMS!"
She: "I know. I know. I just... ok I go check"

All she does is say "I know" then she comes back with moronic amendments to her work.

2. Sends wrong emails and blames people.

Just the other day she sent a mail to another colleagues email. We sniggered over it, then I decided to point out her mistake. Normal people with decent brains will send a virus to wipe out the server to erase all evidence of such a moronic act.

She, the village idiot, goes over to blame my colleague for the file ending up in the email, then mumbles inconherently to herself. I heard, "dunno who.." and "anyhow send.." amongst the spew of coded hexes.

3. Prints 50 copies of a same document.

She almost fried the printer, then wondered why there was 50 copies when she only needed 5. This was a huge mystery to her, so I furtively slipped a letter opener into her document file. Just so that she could save the headache and puncture her temporal lobes with it.

4. Soils the chair.

Yes, You read this right. There's a story to this.

The other day over lunch, my other colleagues were sniggering and sharing an inside joke which exluded me from comprehension. Since I'm a genius with more tattoos than Reena has brain cells, it takes me 20 secs to figure that I'm the butt of the joke.

Me: "What's so funny?!"

Ivy: "You sat on her chair just now..."
Me: "SO?!"
Ivy: "You don't know what happened issit?"

This is obviously the worst way to start a story. I brace myself.

Faiz: "Kev and I were laughing about it yesterday.. didn't you hear??!?!"
Me: "Hear WHAT?!"
Faiz: "About her chair.."
Me: "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH IT?!"

My agitation and impatience only fuels the hilarity of it. For them. My exasperation is greeted only by a pandemonia of chuckles, giggles and cachination.

Ivy: "You mean you didn't see the stain?!"
Me: "WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!? WHAT STAIN?!"

Me: "IS IT A SHIT STAIN?!"
Ivy: "No lah, blood lah.."

What the fuck has she been doing the past 25 years? Sticking tampons in her nose? Nothing is more absurd than a 40 year old staining the fabric. Or so I thought..

Faiz: "You know she tried to clean it right?"
Me: "I KNOW SHIT! WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME BEFORE I SAT DOWN!?"
Ivy: "She tried to clean it and now the seat has white stains.."

I don't know what the fuck she did to achieve such a mark. Her intellectual capacity tells me that she most probably tried to use correction fluid to clean it off. She apparently could not understand how she stained herself ( and more importantly, the seat) without even realising. If I menstruated , I'd probably frame her, but last I checked, I still had my blood sausage.

5. Fucks up data entry.

Data entry is a job made for even retards to redeem themselves. How the fuck do you do the same job for 3 months, and STILL forget procedures? I know she has a valid reason, because she's a moron.

The only thing worse than her two finger typing is her inability to differentiate 'Cut' from 'Copy'. She goes into epileptic shock when her data disappears and grumbles over having to type it again. I obviously don't bother correcting her. Her frantic spasm of panic is such an afternoon sideshow.

Her Path of Destruction,

If you thought I was good at ruining lives, you've never met her.

In 2 weeks, she's managed to get the Director of a Shipping Liner to send an email to complain about her. Amazing. One lady customer asked me, and I quote,

Lady: "Is she slow or is she stupid?"

Instead of pacifying my client, I broke into a laugh and nearly peed my pants. I'd also correspond with clients and bitch about her stupidity and we'd share stories on her fuck ups. Naturally, no one tops my 'she stained her chair story'.

I don't give a fuck. If you stain your chair and you try to deny it, you WILL be laughed at. I'm sorry but I feel no remorse that she is leaving. i have a champagne all ready for the day she throws in the towel. I just hope she's smart enough to spell, "resignation"

13 Comments:

At 1:51 AM, Blogger ishraq said...

We actors don't get a lot of "fi-chlor" till we get "really" famous - but we live and breathe our "fi-chlor" regardless. "fi-chlor"
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At 1:19 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Unicorn: Eh? I don't understand why your company hasn't sacked her by now. Bet she's there for afternoon entertainment reasons.

 
At 5:07 PM, Anonymous Angel said...

=) interesting blog..

Angel =)

 
At 5:23 PM, Blogger Scarletr0se said...

LOL!!!!!!!!

U SAT ON A MENSES STAINED CHAIR.

WAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAA

 
At 9:30 AM, Blogger sÞ¡ηηєє said...

*choke*

so that's the colleague u said who slogged away???

ok.. now I'm convinced, these morons are from Sedna, the new planet found 17 billions away from the Sun.

and I have a few in my office too. Is this some kind of virus ???!??!?!

 
At 1:57 AM, Blogger esusetain said...

Swimmng pool guys don't get a lot of hot tub chemicals till we get "really" famous - but we live and breathe our hot tub chemicals regardless. hot tub chemicals
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