The Condom Story

Condoms are wicked. I swear, they are out to ruin me.

I don't usually carry one around because I've always believed anticipation to be a jinx. It's usually the case. Sex pops up on you like pimples and hits you when you're least prepared. I say, don't try to play the Game, let the Game play out itself. You dig me, playa?

I was clearing my room the other day when I found a condom in one of my travel pouches. With my mum 3 feet from me, I slipped it into one of my pants pocket and went off. Not that my mum would squirm at the sight, but its really more about respect. Though... I suspect my mum has been secretly replenishing my travel condom stock. She slipped a pack of 8 into my bag when I went to OZ. My mum is like yours.. she overestimates me.

The problem is, this particular condom has been around me for sometime now and it's probably been with me since Sept last year. No shit. I know it cos its the only one that isn't Durex. I'll tell you why condoms are a curse...

When I first bought this whole box, I was anticipating a hectic schedule for my member. Some minor signs pointed to this, like hooking up with 2 different girls under 24hrs of each. I anticipated a bout of regularity to hit my life and decided to invest in a 12 pack. The first of the 12 was eventually used for a VERY disturbing encounter... the Sugar Mummy Story.

Then it all went downhill. I hit a barren patch. Nothing other then my boxers gave me the occassional tickle. For 2 weeks, I didn't see breast and wondered if they were under renovation. The next two girls I ended up with didn't require me wear one, due to hormone pills and other contraceptives. Unless pregnancy counts as an STD, I should be pretty safe.

This brought me up to Nov with still a good pack of 11. When I was left with the final 4, I packed them into my jeans pocket for my solo trip to OZ. The damn thing ended up sounding off the metal detactor at the baggage check point and I was forced to clear my pockets. This was absolutely wonderful. Removing condoms from your pocket to show the female officers, while everyone else sniggered. Nothing else describes me better as sex starved moron. You can bet they kept me under close surveillance.

I used up 2 earlier this year in the now notorious attempted foursome that went very wrong. Only two of the entire previous 8 were used in sex that actually turned out well. I messed up about 2 because I was too pissed drunk to even tell tits from earlobes and ended up trying to re-use them much to my partners disgust.

She: "ARE YOU TRYING TO ROLL IT BACK?!"

I kept this last one in the pouch till the start of this month, when I finally got down to cleaning my room. I left it lying in one of my jeans pocket because as much as I hate subscribing to superstitions, condoms have been an ominous talismans of bad luck for me. I have been through enough to know that anticipaction leads to disappointment.

Even the last piece is out to destroy my life..

Over lunch the other day, I was standing around discussing about what to eat. I remembered reaching for my wallet in my pants then taking it out to check for cash. Between this and 30 secs of conversation, I see my friend staring at my shoes.

He: "What's that? Behind your feet.."

His face ia a mix of puzzled amusement over the imposssiblity of this. A condom lying in the middle of a foodcourt floor..

He: "Is that a ... "

He almost breaks out into a laugh. I look back and see the unmistakable silver back of the wrapping. Did it just fall out? Either that, or the cleaning auntie hasn't been doing her job and there's still remains from the last mass foodcourt orgy.

Me: "Wah condom.. shioks."

I immediately pick it up and slip it into my pocket. He looks at me giggling over the whole absurdity of it..

Me: "Nothing beats free condoms.. Maybe we should look for the free blowjob booth."
He: "I can't believe you found something like that here."

I am so sneaky.. I love it. I start giggling to myself over my obviously great play acting and situational skills. I should be Prime Minister.

He: "Why would there even be a condom lying in the middle of nowhere? Weird right?"
Me: "What are you talking about? Its free!"
He: "Are you even going to use them.. not safe you know.."
Me: "Babe, it's a condom. You don't get any safer than this..."

Condoms are like your Fixed Deposits. They are reliable and they almost never fail, but they also give you bad returns and you're always below desired satisfaction. It's so safe you can go to war with it. Don't get me wrong. I'm all for safe sex. I lock my doors and keep a revolver under my pillow.

Given any other situation, I'll NEVER pick it up, but this is mine. I swear this aluminium pack has a life of its own, and it's the advocate of retribution. It's ALWAYS trying to ruin me with situational embarassment.

He: "I don't know man.. I still think it's fishy..."