Sunday, July 27, 2008

The Legend - Atila

There are men and then, there is alcohol that turns men into legends.

There has never been a doubt that alcohol is the great denominator synonymous with words like, ‘fun’, ‘puking’ and ‘regret’, and it makes a great excuse for waking up next to strangers. Just as the Gummy Bears need their gummyberry juice, men chained to inhibitions need alcohol to break away and become blog-worthy entities.

When I told the guys stories about Atila, everyone who didn’t know him thought it was incredulous. I was already benchmarked as an extreme caution on the intoxication scale whenever I got myself sufficiently inebriated to start trash talking, but this guy absolutely dwarfed my credits with his drunken misdemeanor.

When LB decided to make a comeback into my world of alcohol induced madness on Wednesday, he was pre-empted on tales of Atila’s path of peril, which was a buffer before the crude entertainment - that is Atila – came knocking. This started on the fact that we all knew that when alcohol is introduced into his system, Atila becomes a legendary being with the following superpowers.

1. Deafness. No, is never an option.
2. Thick skinned. Invulnerable to rejections and shame.
3. Multiple targeting system, capable of hitting on everyone in a skirt within a 2 metre radius.

In retrospect, he was probably the best wingman to have, because he was that altruistic and ready to answer the call of duty. I only needed to suggest to him that LB might need a wing before he literally sprang right into action, charging into the crowds to find him.

Atila, despite being in a drunken stupor, was smart enough to make the most out of the clubs environment. This included using the revolving platform in MoS to his advantage; he was now capable of hitting on different women by standing rooted to one place.

He would hit on one girl, start dancing up to her and when she got rotated away from him, he would turn his attention to the next girl that was rotating by. All this needed was a chopstick and it would have qualified as a human sushi conveyor belt.

Atila was a great person to have around because he was that entertaining and that shameless when it comes to fishing. The best part of it was that he would almost never remember what happened the next day.

But this is really the story of how he became a legend. (Some of you might have already read this before on Facebook).

Atila was named after the historical wrecking figure of Atila the Hun, a man that left a path of destruction in his wake, because this was simply the most befitting name to crown his reign of chaos and violence.

There are many things I can proudly say I have done in my drunken state. Trash talk, laugh at fat people, make women cry, but there was one thing that Atila completely overshadowed and paled me in my claimant as an Asshole.

It was that familiar crime scene of being at the dance floor and I don't actually know what Atila said to the girl next to me, but she responded with a huge slap. It was the slap that drowned even the Timbaland shit what was thumping.

Atila: "Ouch!! You slapped me!!" (Clutching his left cheek)

Before I even had a chance to recover from that initial shock, I saw her tighten her Ho' hand and bitch slapped Atila again. I would have commended her on her technique and swear that she's been a loyal follower of the blog and read all about how to give a proper bitch slap.

Remember, always use the master hand, don't flick and follow through hard. Locking the wrist is the secret.

Two bitch slaps in a minute. Now surely, not even Atila could have recovered from this embarrassment. What would any normal man do in this situation? Hands up if you said, 'walk away', because you are not in the league of Atila.

What followed next, was the greatest comeback in history.

Atila, while still clutching his cheek, threw his head forward at her and delivered a crushing headbutt. Next thing I know, both of them were cringing in pain. Atila was still clutching his cheeks and the girl was clutching her forehead, staggering back from the impact.

She: "My head! My head!"

I did what all normal people would do.


I swear, I laughed so hard, I thought I was going to rapture my appendix. Then Atila turned to me with a wink.

Atila: "I head-butted her."



At 8:30 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

hahahahaha... and a lesson to be learnt. stand far enuf to avoid being headbutt after u bitchslap a guy.

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