Sunday, June 01, 2008

The Relationship Life Cycle - Female

The Life cycle of relationships is more of a tangent compliment to the whole dynamics of the great gender divide, than it is to pronounce the differences that we already know. Men can pee standing, women cannot or risk ruining their Blahniks. Women nag, while men grumble. Women have multiple orgasm, while men achieve this through multiple sex partners.

Women go through the cycle of love with a varying difference of success, stagnation and demise, because like men, they are horrible people. I know this, because I’ve been with a fair share of women to know that false advertising is an arsenal they readily deploy.

The Courting Stage

This is the stage where years of using push-up bras or Brazilian waxing pays off. In simplicity, this is the one phase where women have the clear edge over men. Being Asian and having a vagina means that women are fed false propaganda that they need to do less than men.

1. High Independence

Women start out in the relationship more dependent than when they end it. At this stage they will introduce several terms to men, such as ‘going dutch’ or ‘I’ll meet you there’. Though, men at this stage do not comprehend such terms, because they believe in things such as chivalry and giving a good impression, they will be impressed with women who suggest these.

A women’s independence is something men brag about to their friends because men feel good when they know they are not being made use of.

Women might occasionally offer to pay for their own movie or meal and will suggest taking a cab home themselves when it’s late or if their date doesn’t drive. This impresses men to no end and they will insist on sending them home anyway.

2. High Tolerance

Women have the best tempers at this stage. You will never hear them nag at you or throw a fit over a chipped nail. You can be late for your date and they will never yell at you for making her wait for 10 mins. They will always respond with a cordial civility that goes along the line of, ‘it’s okay. I didn’t wait long’.

They will also not complain about you smoking or wanting to have more tattoos and will generally not take extreme stances on matters too out-rightly, so much so that you believe this woman is actually easy to get along with.

Even if they get mad at you, it will take no more than a simple apology or a joke to get her smiling again. They will also never tell you stuff like, ‘nothing’ or ‘I’m fine’ but still be grouchy all day.

3. Makeup

At this stage where women need to market themselves, makeup is their best friend. It is a known fact that women usually look their best when they are single. Even if it’s a trip to the neighbourhood mall, they will generally never want her date to see her eye-browless or stripped entirely bare of cosmetics.

This is the one stage women will doll up for the slightest reason, because even if they might not be out to impress their dates, you can never discount the chance of meeting random hot men while they’re out.

4. Waiting

Men will need to wait for women the least amount of time at this stage. If the woman is never punctual to begin with, this is never going to improve through the next three cycles. Women will generally be on time and will not make you wait hours while they powder their noses in the toilet, lest the man’s interest turns to contempt.

5. Low Stupidity

Women are smartest at this stage. They will know how to safe-guard themselves from physical and emotion penetration and will have several proxies set up to ensure they keep the advantage on their court.

Examples of these might include, malleable guidelines on ‘no sex on the first date’, 'not spending lavishly on men’ and ‘no amateur porn videos’. They will also know how to palaver you with stories that will show them in a favourable light and leave out details like being a manic depressive or a potential penis cleaver.

The Honeymoon Stage

Once the woman has ascertained that the guy isn’t a child murderer and safe to commit a relationship with, she will start removing her barriers and surrender to the whole notion of ‘Love’. And we all know that while being in love is great, it also makes you stupid.

1. Low Independence

Suddenly, women at this phase of the relationship lose all ability to stand on their own. They will no longer know how to make their way to meet you on their own. Thankfully, at this stage, their amnesia is well compensated for by men’s over-zealous voluntary desire to chauffer them.

Women at this stage no longer need to do anything themselves and ‘going dutch’ is a derogatory term bent to challenge their guy’s love for them. In addition, this is the introductory stage where some women will experience the following,

Inability to peel prawns, the need for men to carry their bags and inability to order their own food at a hawker centre.

Men on the other hand will enjoy random surprise presents, blowjob and sex, usually in that order for their efforts.

2. High Tolerance

Being in love exponentially increases a person’s threshold for bullshit absorption. Being in the honeymoon phase effectively means that all disagreements or arguments last for 10 minutes tops and will end with one party being apologetic. At this stage, women are most likely to give in to men even if they are not in the wrong.

3. High Stupidity

This is the one stage women have the highest propensity to commit to moronic acts, which they will regret in time to come. While it is okay for couples to share many things like, a meal, toothbrush, secrets or siblings, there are things which should never be shared even if you are lullabyed into that false sense of security. Namely, passwords.

Women (and men) alike think that it is perfectly okay to let their partners know passwords into their Facebook, MSN or Friendster accounts. Two words.


4. Easy To Please

At this stage, it takes the man minimal effort to please the woman. This is the one stage where the woman is contented to just spending time together. She will agree to watch soccer with you, sit next to you while you play World of Warcraft or any other stupid things women in love would renounce their own personal time for.

It is common for women to punctuate every other sentence with, “that is so sweet”, whenever the man does something nice for her. They will gush over simple trivialities and swoon to their friends about how wonderful their man is for folding an origami crane or surprising her with an afternoon picnic by the park, even if it’s under the sweltering sun.

The Maturity Stage

1. Moderate Independence

As time pass and men no longer have the vested interest to drive half way round the island to pick them, they will start remembering how to commute by public transport. This does not mean that they will not let you know how unhappy they are at the arrangement. It is common for women to complain prior to having to travel by herself and then show up for the appointment late and looking grumpy.

She will also then start blaming the inefficiencies of buses or the expensive taxi fare and then proceed to bitch incessantly about the hot sun, just till you get the hint that this will be the last time she is ever going to do this.

They will also introduce new terms to the man such as, ‘Girl’s night out’ and ‘breathing space’. Women will now no longer be willing to spend their entire weekend in abeyance and sit quietly by your side, while you button mash your X-Box 360. They will now start to say things like, ‘I’ve got better things to do with my time’.

2. Moderately Low Tolerance

Women become ticking time bombs at this stage. They get pissed off a lot easier and it takes a lot more just to pacify them. Silly jokes and funny faces no longer commands a smile like it used to, but instead women will tell you to not be childish and stop irritating them.

At this stage, women will also start to nag a lot. This is a common phase in a woman’s life to train her for motherhood. Nagging is a woman’s rite of passage and they are entitled to do it, because this disease comes with having a vagina.

Women will get pissed with you, even if you are not doing anything and will tell you vague stuff like, ‘can you do something’ or other stuff that just serves to further confuse men, just so that they get to nag at them more.

They will litter their sentences with, 'nothing' or 'fine' every time they are unhappy with you and expect you to know what they want. Leaving her alone is wrong and trying to pacify her sometimes gets to her nerves, because women don't know what they want. It is not easy having a penis at this stage.

3. High Stupidity

The maturity stage is sometimes also a bane to women because they become normalized to a certain way of life that they cannot fathom a life without it. In short, they are sometimes in the relationship because of companionship more than anything else.

As such, they sometimes become a sponge for bullshit and take all the crap that men throw at them. They do not know when to leave the relationship and allow men to dictate their lives. Being in a relationship makes a person stupid.

4. Moderate Trust

Women will start to check the guy’s phone messages and Facebook accounts at this stage. It is no longer enough for the man to say, “I’m going out with my friends”, but will now be required to give a detailed report of their friend’s full name, where they are going, what they intend to do, what time he is going to be home and if he can buy her that Prada pouch while he’s out.

It is common for women to have the loom of paranoia showering them periodically and will go ballistic when a man says he is going home and still not be home 2 hours later. They will also sometimes think men are lying to them when we say we can’t meet them because we need to work.

5. Makeup

Women at this stage will start wearing less makeup. They will also generally tend to be less image conscious and have the highest propensity to gain weight. All this because they believe foolishly that her man loves her for who she is.

6. Hard To Please

It no longer takes a surprise gift to make them beam with delight unless they come with words like, Gucci or Hermes. A frown from her now will last a good amount of time and everything you do or say in that period is wrong. Not doing anything to pacify her is also wrong and causes the frown to be extended.

Women now have quixotic fantasies beyond the realm of men’s capabilities, and we no longer measure up to it. We have Hollywood romance flicks to thank for a good percentage domestic squabbles. Women will now start to pronounce their displeasure with ‘You’ve changed’ followed by the disguised female conjunctive of, ‘last time you not like that one’.

A short history recap of their honeymoon period will follow.

The Demise Stage

1. High Independence

Women no longer need men to be around for them. In fact, the lesser time they have together is largely preferred. They will start making their own activities which involves systematically excluding the man. They will also suddenly have an explosion of new male friends, who will share your chauffeuring duties.

Men can forget about women buying random surprise gifts for them at this stage and all gifts are restricted to Valentine's day and Birthdays. Occassionally, she will buy you a shaver, because kissing you is still part of her duty.

2. No Tolerance

Women at this stage will not entertain bullshit. They are a querulous vessel that will snap at anything. Everything you say or do will irk her and you start to wonder if it is actually humanly possible to be grouchy every day of the month. Women will take hours to prepare before leaving the house and men are not even allowed to complain.

If you made her wait for even 5 minutes, you better have a valid reason like having to bury your dog or you got hit by a van, or she will rain a torrent flood of wrath on you and will stop only because her vocal chords have torn. They will always ask, "Do you know how long you made me wait?!". This is a rhetorical question you should never answer, because nothing you say matters anyway.

They will nag at you for no reason at all because that is now the only tone she will adopt when conversing with you.

3. Zero Trust

Everything the man says is a lie and must be taken with extreme caution and a bottle full of skepticism. At this stage, the woman believes that any activity her man has without her, is with another woman. They also think that ‘work’ is an excuse man use just so that he can have fun without her.

4. Impossible To Please

Nothing you do is ever going to be good enough. Randomly buying flowers or planning a surprise picnic is not good enough. Roses are now impractical pleasantries that are a waste of money and they will vociferously remind you that having lunch under the hot afternoon sun is a dumb idea.

You might remind them that they used to like picnics or flowers and they will remind you that last time, policemen wore short pants. Suddenly, you realize that change is the only constant and that the woman you have before you is no longer that easy going girl next door you fell in love with.

Welcome to reality, that’s false advertising for you.


At 1:26 AM, Anonymous pete said...

BRAVO! I was just about to wonder why you are taking sides with women. VERY TRUE especially the tolerance part!

just so you know, my girl loved you first post and hates this but I love this one!

you da man!!

At 5:13 PM, Blogger The Horny Bitch said...

haha. That's a very detailed account. Loads of experience perhaps.

At 2:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

where can i find true love?

At 9:53 PM, Blogger ursie said...

you're like a male samantha jones. o.o

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