Monday, May 05, 2008

Eskimos

It’s becoming increasingly hard to expose my true creativity when we are being censured for crude remarks and ethnically biased contents. I’m Chinese so the only ones I can make fun of are Chinese, because I learnt that this isn’t a racially offensive slur, since I’m not objectifying them, but merely subjecting myself.

What the fuck is Butterfly saying? I came to his blog to read about which poor soul he just fucked. Yes, I hear you.

Well, I’ve finally found something (or a ethnic group if you can consider them one) to poke fun of. Eskimos.

Eskimos don’t really exist and are fantasy creatures created along with unicorns, vampires and Mas Selamat. In proper Sociological influence, I believe the politically correct name for them is Inuit, but no one gives a shit and politics are unheard of in fantasy world.

You know why no one is going to give a damn about what I write? It’s because no one has an Eskimo friend. And even if you do and you want to squeal on me to them, you are going to have to inform them by slow mail, and even then, it takes about 3 years for postage to be acknowledged.

There aren’t many things we know about Eskimo’s, other than that they do not have access to Japanese porn and probably never seen a midget before. What I do know are the stories I’ve heard from friends.

Huixx (or better known as AgentProvocatuer), is a widely traveled individual who’s knowledge of the world’s best kept secrets far exceeds mine. Sometimes, I believe she travels to Tibet just to do Yoga and laugh at llamas. She informed me that unknown to the world, Eskimos are actually the world largest ice importer.

I did not see that and always wondered why they always looked like the Gucci’s Winter collection. I was so enlightened, I laughed and choked on my own saliva.

Eskimos live in Alaska, Greenland, Antartica and if you are really lucky, in your freezer. They cannot fathom living in a world hotter than zero degrees Celsius, do not understand the concept of air-conditioning and keep Huskies and mammoths as pets. They are also offended by words like, ‘summer’, ‘spaghetti-strap top’ and most importantly, ‘global warming’, because they do not have home insurance coverage on that for their igloos.

Their diet actually includes seals and their innets, and because of this, I believe Eskimos actually have Chinese blood in them, because we are the only race that will not let any body part go to waste when it comes to eating. If you are homeless and you fall asleep in Chinatown, you have a high chance of waking up and finding your testicles at the herbal shop next door.

Eskimos are excluded from the Olympics because they will win every canoeing or rowing medal there is to win. Despite their dominance in that, Eskimos are very lazy people who make dogs pull them around all day just so that they can conserve energy on walking. As such, they are not popular with the animal rights movement.

Eskimos are also used as calendar tools to anticipate any impending disaster of worldwide emergency. No one cares when Venice is flooding or if there are flash floods in Africa, but when Eskimos tell you say there is a flood where they live, you can safely start to panic.

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