Tuesday, March 11, 2008

How To Be An Asshole

There are tragic facts in this world, which seemingly defies the normalcy of society but yet contributes abstrusely to the functionality of it. Like the celebration of gay pride, women beating men at pool, having to pay for porn and how nice guys always finish last in the pussy hunt.

I was about to say 'women love assholes', but I realised how wrong that came out, although I don't deny a decimal fraction of seasoned women might protest vehemently to this, I believe the socially accepted phrase is, 'women love the bad boys'.

It's true, bad boys are desirable. Just ask Richard Simmons or the Pope, or maybe any Catholic priest if it’s a young boy and they might swear (or sweat) to this. It's as if they chemically combust the air around them and release some sex charged hormones that just make the girls lose all sense of logic. So what actually makes them so appealing that you believe cheating on your partner only counts when you've done it twice?

I don't know. And I really don't give a fuck.

The intelligent man doesn't occupy himself with the sociological clockworks on what makes an 'Asshole' appeal to the ladies. The intelligent man becomes the 'Asshole'. Why deconstruct the theories, when you can construct a new future? Why explore the dynamics, when you can exploit the situation?

Just in case I lost you on the subject matter at hand, here's the correct definition.

ass-hole [noun] :

1. A mean or contemptible person.
2. Sleeps with more women than the average man
3. Often useful for re-bounds or to spite ex-boyfriends.
4. Women love them

I tried to submit this to Webster, but like all the ten or so other entries, I have yet to receive a reply from them.

Here's the guide on how to become an 'Asshole'.

1. Crying

Many people associate making a girl cry as something only a bad ass would do. This is however, a misconception, much like how Vampires are fiction or how Santa Claus isn't Asian or how Mas Selamat had escaped (when in fact, he was inspired by Clive Owen in 'Inside Man' and currently still hiding behind the toilet bowl).

You see, people cry when they are happy too. I know this for sure because there was once I forgot my girlfriend's birthday and decided to surprise her two days later with a $10 Isetan voucher. She had tears in her eyes and right there, I knew I did the right thing and not go for the Taka vouchers instead.

There is only one thing to certify you as a bad ass, and that is to have them bleeding from their nose. You see, 'Assholes' let actions speak for them. You want to tell a person you are pissed with them? You punch them. Need to break up? Punch them.

Violence may not solve everything, but a bloody nose will make them get the point that you mean business. I'm also pretty certain that puts across the point that you are an asshole.

2. Conversations

Assholes’ are cool people with disdain for talking and hence, limit themselves to monosyllabic words like, “yes”, “no”, “fuck” and maybe sometimes if they really want to impress the other party, “okay”. And to seal the deal, the very impressive, “supercalifragilisticexpialidocious”. Makes.Them.Girls.Wet.

Here is an example of how to use them in your everyday conversation.

Girl:Are you okay? You’ve been awfully quiet.”
Asshole: “Yes.”
Girl: “Is there something bothering you?”
AH:No.”
Girl: “Anything you would like to do?”
AH: “Fuck.”
Girl: “Fuck? Now?”
AH: “Okay.”
Girl: “You are creepy..”
AH: “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!!!”

3. When To Ignore

It’s common knowledge that too much attention given to a particular individual would result in a that particular individual being spoilt. When a baby cries because it wants to be carried and you give in them, they are going to exploit this weakness in you and have you cradle them to sleep for the next 3 years.

The right thing to do, is to ignore them. Sure, they may be crying because they need food, but if you ignore them for 3 days and they survive the ordeal, you know you have a kid who is going to grow up to be a Spartan warrior. Your kid is now well capable of spearing your neighbour’s gay Havard Law grad and use his collarbone as an ashtray. Now, that’s parental pride.

Now, the same theory applies for the girlfriends. When they kick up a big fuss, you know it’s nothing serious, because when women really have things bothering them, they always say ‘nothing’ when you ask. When they start yelling at you, always ignore them, because there really only needs to be one person yelling and it might as well be them.

Ignoring them is the best way to piss an agitated person to the brink of insanity. Nothing drives them crazier than this and sometimes they get so worked up, I secretly suspect they are simultaneously horny because they keep panting. Eventually, they will exhaust themselves or if you are really lucky, damage their vocal chords, and they will shut up. All these, and you didn’t even have to engage in an argument.

When it comes to ignoring, it’s all about timing. Here are some suggestions on when to ignore,

1. Your girlfriend’s phone call, while you are fucking her sister.
2. Your sister knocking on the door, while fucking her boyfriend
3. Anyone’s request to pass the television remote control
4. An ambulance tailgating you, while flickering their headlights.

4. Being honest

One important imbued trait of being an ‘Asshole’, is the impunity to be honest without consequence ever chasing up to you. For one, you never have to consider anyone’s feelings. If you call anyone a ‘whale’, I’m sure that was perfectly justifiable and that person deserved that humiliation. I’ve said this before and I will re-iterate, looks is subjective but weight isn’t.

Honesty is a virtue in society, along with ‘respect’, ‘civic minded’ and spitting at fat people. The trick is to never proxy your words and just let your mouth project the first thought that comes to mind. Pure honesty is often the best form of humour or disaster, which is why Reznor and Niner generally don’t like me to talk when I’m drunk.

Remember, being brutally honest is a charm itself.

5. Sucker Punching

This is an important skill to possess. Sucker punching might seem like an unethical cheap shot, but thankfully, ethics are just an imaginary concept used to hold back humanity’s adventurous manifestations, just like, ‘marriage’ and ‘commitments’. We ignore them.

Sucker punching is great for punctuating a sentence. It’s like a physical manifestation of ‘period’ or simply, a ‘full-stop’. We do this with the master hand in a quick stealth-like jab to the nose or throat. This is important when we do not want or need a person’s opinion or reply.

6. Carrying of bags

Assholes’ do not need to carry bags or for that matter subject himself to caddy for their partner’s shopping spree. It’s a standard rule, ‘you buy it, you jolly well carry it’. If they ever dispute this with you, please refer to the ‘Sucker punch’ section above.

Assholes’ are also entitled to walk ahead, just so that there is a subtle disassociation and you will come out of this looking like,

1. You are walking ahead to pave a safe path of passage for her/him.
2. You are single and available.

You don’t need to carry rubbish and you might get hit on. Win-win situation if you ask me.

7. Read between the lines

Assholes’ also have the uncanny ability to read minds and know what the other party really wants. This is an ascribed gift that most ‘Assholes’ are born with, although this can be achieved through training. Insiders from Hollywood told me that the Matt Parkman character was created around the genetic template of ‘Assholes’.

When people say ‘no’, do they really mean ‘no’ or they trying to say, ‘try harder’? Where mere mortals falter at this, ‘Assholes’ thrive. For ‘Assholes’, there is never a ‘no’ and ‘stop’ is a vulgar four-letter word along the league of ‘love’. Everything is a ‘yes’ only unless we have no interest or we get an unwelcome knee to the groin.

If you try to kiss someone and she says 'no', it’s not that she doesn’t like you or that you are repulsive. It just means that you haven’t put in enough effort or the chloroform hasn’t kicked in yet. Everything is a ‘yes’, when there is enough alcohol, drugs or a Magnum to the temple.

8. Say it, don’t ask

It is paramount to remember that ‘Assholes’ never ask. They tell, not ask. Only children ask for permission, like when they have to pee. ‘Assholes’ are bad asses who will pee on the floor, have the boy sitting next to them lick it up and then shoot paper bullets at the teacher, just because they have nothing to do while someone is cleaning up their pee puddle. School girls go crazy for them and that is the reason why school girls scream so much.

If you ever want to do something, declare and proceed. For example, if you really want to kiss a person.

AH:I am going to kiss you.”

At this juncture, only two things can happen. She allows you, to which you should proceed along immediately with a mandatory cupping of the right boob to convey your gratitude for her casualness. Or she says ‘no’, to which this follows,

AH: “I wasn’t asking you. I was telling you.”

This works all the time. Next thing you know, you are driving home with her hands in your pants. If all else fails, a half bottle of chloroform should do the trick.

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