The One About Designer Condoms

This is totally random and I know in the festive spirits of the Lunar New Year, I should be dishing out cheesy well wishes about ‘good luck’ and ‘greater success’ in the coming year, but have you guys forgotten about ‘great sex’?

I did some last minute shopping with MissFeb on Wednesday, while everyone else was busy slicing beef and preparing fishballs for their steamboat dinner. I bought one polo top from Agnès b. (some huge debate on the actual pronunciation, which should be around Ahnuse Bay) and they gave me complimentary condoms.

Designer condoms. This was like a dream come true. So what did I do? I did what every normal person growing up in our capitalist driven, can’t stop to take a break, everything must benefit me society would do.

Me: “Can I have 4 more?”

I cannot believe the haggle auntie in me sometimes and I was utterly disgusted with myself for not asking for ten.

Me to MissFeb: "Now you can use them on me."

She was not amused. The counter boy pretended not to hear. I am no longer funny.

These were condoms that came in a box with rainbow coloured stripes that totally spelt ‘I am a gay-pride sponsor’ if colours could be used as legitimate alphabets and it had the words “I want you’ on one side, and ‘to want me’ on the other. (I’ll upload a picture when I can)

The best part was that it actually came with a full feature instructional manual on how to wear a condom because I believe this hasn’t been properly institutionalized into the school curriculum yet. They should slot this somewhere between Home Economics and Biology.

The funny thing wasn’t about a ‘how to’ instructional guide, because I believe condoms can be a tricky device for the porn abstaining novice virgin, but the content of it absolutely cracked me up and I just giggled silly while MissFeb read it out loud.

This is verbatim. Seriously, I cannot possible make such shit up.

1. Put the condom on when the penis is erect, before there is any contact between the penis and your partner’s body. Fluid released from the penis during the early stages of an erection can contain sperm and organisms that cause STTs.

What the fuck is STTs? Did I not have sex for so long that they came up with new variants of diseases or have I not been paying attention in school? Is pregnancy still an STD?

2. Tear along one side of the foil being sure not to rip the condom inside. Carefully remove the condom.

3. Air trapper inside the condom could cause it to break. To avoid this, squeeze the closed end of the condom between your forefinger and thumb and place the condom over the erect penis. Be sure that the roll is on the outside.

Air trapper what? Seriously, I never knew wearing a condom consisted of a two-finger technique and could be possible hazardous.

4. While still squeezing the closed end, use your other hand to enroll the condom gently down the full length of the penis. Make sure the condom stays in place during sex; if it rolls up, make sure to roll it back into place immediately. If the condom comes off, withdraw the penis and put on a new condom before intercourse continues.

MissFeb: “Enroll the condom?! What English is this?!”

I giggled so hard on this I swear I might have ripped a nerve and developed tourettes.

5. Soon after ejaculation, withdraw the penis while it is still erect by holding the condom firmly in place. Remove the condom only when the penis is fully withdrawn. Keep both the penis and condom clear from contact with partner’s body.

Obviously, these aren’t sold in Japan. If people actually followed rules, Bukkake would never have seen the glory it has now.

6. Dispose of the used condom hygienically. Wrap the condom in a tissue and place in a bin (do not flush it down the toilet). NEVER USE A CONDOM TWICE.

Okay, this perhaps came to me years too late, because I was a moron once.

This was so detailed, I actually wonder if I’ve been doing it correctly because sometimes I have it worn with a mouth and I don’t think I’ve ever considered the fact that I needed to concern myself with ‘air trapper’, which sounds suspiciously like some part of a penis enlarger pump.

But now, I know better..