Friday, February 22, 2008

Butterfly Pitches For Bangkok

In a month, I am heading to Bangkok with the guys. It's a madcap return and we are leaving all moral reservations behind. From what we have planned, this is a celebration of decadence and we going to be drunk with debauchery. And from experience, it's going to happen.

Why Bangkok you ask? Why not.

If you haven't already been properly introduced to the city just 3 hours north of us, then allow me to initate you into sin city.

1. The Clubs

If you are fashionably into parties and drinking and yet don’t have the luxury of taking a week off, then there is only one place you should consider for the weekend; Bangkok.

You go to the clubs and they tell you a bottle of Black Label goes for SGD$45. You stare in disbelieve and wonder if you heard it right. You enquire about a bottle of Martell and they gesture to you SGD$90. You think this might either be an early April’s Fool’s prank or you found paradise. What do you do?

You say, “Fuck you, give me 3 bottles now and a plate of cheesy fries.”

Whiskey is so cheap, that you almost feel guilty for drinking water. It is also one place where you can party like you have a million bucks even with your pencil pushing desk bound salary.

No table in the club? Demand for one.

Being Singaporean automatically qualifies us for priorities in the club, but a couple of 100baht tips would even allow you priority queuing in toilets and your own personal waiter, who will dish out personalized neck massage services and hot towels. All this, in a club where people are grinding to Shakira and you start wondering if tipping any more would get you a handjob.

There is an entire spectrum from celebrity haunts of upmarket clubs to flagitious bartop A-go-gos at Patpong or Nana Plaza to maybe some peep-hole joint at the side alleys.

You have to remember that Bangkok is never a place couples should go to together. Petty squabbles and break ups were invented in Bangkok. You are going to stumble into some club with women dancing provocatively on the tables and before you know it, her tops starts falling off. Call it a wardrobe malfunction of deliberated action, but her reaction is going to be,

"This is a whore house. Let's get out."

And the guy's response is going to be,

"This is indeed a whore house. Let's have a beer."

Gentlemen, this is Bangkok. You do not want to be wearing a chastity belt around here, because you are going to walk into a club and have 3 women interested in fucking you before you even make it to the bar for your Jolly Shandy. (Just remember to flash your Singapore Passport).

2. The Girls

While the girls do not measure up to the ‘I-would-gawk-for-you-all-night’ quality you would find in Taiwan, they are decently hot if you head for the upmarket clubs at RCA. They however, make up for this with their over-zealous interest in Singaporean men. It’s like discovering your birth-right and realizing you’ve been living in the wrong country all these years.

For some reasons, hooking up there is so easy, it’s like dynamite fishing. You actually feel guilty for smiling at random people. If you think speed dating is a great way to make friends, then you are a moron and you have never been to Bangkok.

There, everyone becomes your long lost pen pal. They don’t really understand what you are saying but they are so interested in having a conversation with you, you actually wonder if you are on some new hidden camera show called, ‘I am a whore, you are my prey’.

3. How much to bring?

A ball park figure of S$1,000 is a safe figure if you intend to live out the weekend in luxury and maybe have some spare cash at the end of the trip to buy an elephant and have it sent back to Singapore via DHL.

We are planning a six men trip up in March and when you actually split the clubbing tab down the middle, to actually spend a hundred each on a single night is bordering impossibility if you actually discount wasting alcohol and sticking solely to whiskey.

Food there is relatively cheap. So cheap that I think if you actually re-arranged the words ‘Bangkok’, it actually spells ‘Everything is fucking cheap’. If you ever needed to wonder why shark’s are going to be slotted into the endangered species list (if they haven’t already), then you must know that Bangkok is major culprit.

When you can find a huge bowl with a full fin for like S$16, I’m not surprised if you have seconds or maybe even their penises for desserts. It’s a simple rule. When things are cheap, you exploit. If you don’t eat the damn sharks, some surfer is going to have his leg chomped of at Bondi Beach. Eat the sharks, save a man.


Sure, Bangkok is a torrid equatorial country with an afternoon heat wave so wicked, it’s a crime to even leave the house with anything more than shorts and sun block, but they make up for it with so much more when night falls.

From the underground clubs with women dancing naked on bartops to the Roman decorated spa’s with private jacuzzies and gold plated taps, I actually feel bad for the women because they don’t get to appreciate these salacious delectables with us.

I’m sure getting a dress down to S$5 from S$20 is a real joy, but I can never see how that can ever beat binge drinking whiskey and having someone lick your ass at the end of the night. I would have written a decent post for the women if I wanted to pitch about the wonders of Bangkok to them, but that post would have only 3 words,

"Great For Shopping"

12 Comments:

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