Butterfly's Remix On Pickup Lines

It’s Valentine’s day and I’m almost as bitter I was last year. The commercial proliferation of this thing they call Love and they’ve actually successfully commodified it and people actually subscribe to it. Prices are up, and you actually call this a celebration of love. Unbelievable.

With regards to my date progress, I have to admit that this was a disaster. For one, people don’t really read my instructions. You send me an anonymous entry. I’m sure this is your idea of entertaining me, and I’m sure the story was great but where is the MSN contact details that I believe I mentioned?

Secondly, adding me on MSN and saying ‘you should pick me’, doesn’t really qualify as an entry.

And in a myriad of responses flooded to me, I also realize that I’m not exactly an ideal Valentine’s date. I know that while most of you are highly entertained by me, you are also intimidated by me. I wonder why.

While the rest of the world was busy wasting money on impermanent niceties, like flowers that will die in a week, or chocolates that will be gorged in seconds, I stayed home and decided to hone the romantic in me.

I’ve had some cheesy lines thrown at me over the years, courtesy of women who could give my handphone diabetes with their SMS. What better than to use this to my advantage. I am afterall, now a loving Uncle to my sister’s baby boy, so I’m pretty sure being a romantic can’t possibly be more difficult than coaxing a wailing baby.

Here’s Butterfly’s remix of pickup lines,

“Your father must be a thief. If not, who stole all the condoms and caused you to get pregnant.”

“Just checking if you were made in Heaven. Cos, I would never believe a pedophile like me would make it up there.”

“If I could re-arrange the alphabets, I would put ‘I’ next to ‘U’ and maybe squeeze ‘JUST WANT TO FUCK’ in between.

“If stars would fall every time I think of you, we might never get to see a shooting star. EVER.”

“If I could reach out and hold a star every time you made me smile, my arms would be never know what it feels like to stretch.”

“You must be tired, cos you are fat and I haven’t even started running you through my mind yet.”

“When you walked in, I thought you were an angel. Now, I know it was just the Barcadi 151.”

“I need a map, not because I get lost in your eyes, but you’re so fat I need it to find my way round you.”

“Roses are red, violets are blue, the last girl that gave me head, was better than you.”

I’m sure women will love me so much more after this.