Sunday, March 02, 2008

Bird Gives Butterfly An Epiphany

They say God works in mysterious way. It's funny how fate dishes out warnings or signs to us in cryptic messages, where we need various mediums to dechiper them. I mean it's 2008, Singtel no longer has monopoly and Fidel Castro might soon have his own T-Shirt prints, so why can't God just tell us things through SMS?

Well, it certainly beats sitting around wondering if that burning bush is a sign to leave your country, or having your girlfriend cheat on you as a precursor to say stupid things like, 'good things are coming my way', or maybe a get hit with cancer and wonder if you are going to die. If God wasn't so busy, he would just send us all an SMS, like,

"Cheat in the exam. P.S, the boy to your right has some pretty good answers." or, "You are not going to strike TOTO, use that money to buy alcohol instead."

Why the need to second guess, when an SMS outright meliorates our comprehension of the matter. Save the mystery for the Secret 7 and Nancy Drew, I hate second guessing.

Some bird crashed right into my windscreen the other night and I got such a fright, I thought I might go into cardiac arrest. I swear, if I wasn't so taken aback by the whole thud and subsequent flutter of it, I would have yelped or if my vocals allowed me, belted out a shriek that would have qualified me to join the gay community.

The good part of it was that I wasn't driving, but it worried me because I didn't know if the bird was injured or stupid. I was parked at the carpark and the bird actually flew right into my windscreen. I always thought birds had built in sonar with a brain that would at the very least tell them not to fly into things. I could be wrong, which is very rare.

Immediately after it crashed, it started fluttering it's wings and I thought it would just fly off to maybe crash into the Mercedes next to me, but no. It just sat there. This bothered me to some extent because now, I didn't know if it was legitimately injured, or lazy like 90 percent of the human population.

I knew I had to do something. Maybe I could get out the car and check on my windscreen and maybe poke it with a stick while I'm out? Maybe I should call SPCA? Maybe I should just drive off and hope inertia gets rid of it? I know what I did, I turned on my windscreen wiper. That, was a HUGE mistake.

Instead of scaring it off, it made everything worse. The wipers came on, it fluttered. The wipers dragged across my windscreen, feathers flew and next thing I knew, my wiper was dragging the damn bird across my windscreen. I don't know if it's wings got wedged between the rubbers, but everything went on so fast, I panicked and started squirting the windscreen water at it.

It was 8 seconds of the most chaotic battle between nature and Honda. I didn't know what I was doing but I just left the wipers going and the damn bird eventually got pissed at me and flew off. In that whole debacle I think I scared it so much, it actually shat on my windscreen because even after it flew off, there was this coagulated murky patch that the water diluted and the wipers had swept to side. Fuck it.

Honda 1 Nature 0.

Then it hit me, like a Sunday morning erection. Was this a sign? Was God trying to tell me something? Just a week back, some dumbass sparrow actually flew right into me as I was walking to the, get this, Multi-storey carpark. A sparrow, blindsiding me at a sheltered carpark. Wow, this was truly a sign.

I didn't actually think much of that. Largely because it took me by surprise and I looked like an idiot, half shocked and half ducking AFTER it hit me (amazing reflexes I have. I might qualify to be a superhero). I looked exactly like some spastic school kid trying to do the Macarena.

2 birds in a week. Surely this had to be sign. And to make things worse, the birds were actually getting progressively larger. I have to figure this out fast because if I don't arrest this now, I'm going to be walking down the street one day, and an ostrich is going to hit me out of nowhere.

Is God telling me to work at Jurong Bird Park?


At 11:31 AM, Blogger Rambling Alcoholic said...

God might be telling you to watch it, cos your BIRD might get hammered. =P

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