Saturday, April 05, 2008

The L Word

I have a disease. It's the very same plague that has ravages the lives of youths around the world. It causes us to lose our social life and systematically decays our body, or even the very fabric of our existence. I believe I have contracted the deadly virus known as, Laziness.

Unknown to many, Laziness is actually incurable and airborne, much like Cholera, stupidty and homosexuality. There are various strains of this virus, the most common of which is Procrastination, and it is common amongst young adults and has frequent outbreaks during examination periods.

As much as some people believe that Laziness is a benign infliction, it is actually viciously malignant behind that guise of dormancy. Laziness actually causes bodily parts to fail in function over a prolonged period of diagnosis. It usually starts with the legs and ultimately, the brain.

For instance, men's over-reliance on remote controllers have tragically led to reduced walking, which have resulted in smaller calves over the generations. With the remote control, you practically do not need to walk. The only thing worse than not having a remote control, is not having a maid, because you can actually get them to change channels for you when you want to.

I'm probably in the incubation stages of Laziness, but I can already feel it's symptoms. The only time I am not lazy, is when I'm watching television, because I channel surf so fast and religiously, I can ascendingly surf from MTV to HBO in 4 seconds, which I believe is the current record in my estate.

Laziness, isn't quite as destuctive as it is disruptive. It causes work to be delayed, projects to pile up, economies to slow down and communism. However, nothing in the entire gamut of consequences is as terrifying as the prospect of gaining weight.

Yes, Laziness is actually one of the biggest contributors of obesity. If the government would accept my proposal of corporeal punishment for being a Whale, then Laziness will lead to more executions than the Nazi's could ever achieve, and the world who be a better place. Slimming centres would go bust, but they would eventually find some other scheme to con the general public on.

The penultimate consequence to laziness is almost always weight gain. You are too lazy to chew, you get fat. Too lazy to exercise, you get fat. I know this for a fact because I've seen many people degenerate into such a state.

I used to have this platoon mate who would take those GNC mass gainers everyday. And while most people would hit the gym for a workout, he figured the most efficacious way to gaining weight was to actually NOT burn the calories, but store it. So he would almost immediately hit the sack and give us specific instructions before he slept.

Dan: "Don't talk to me, I will waste energy. I'm also going to cut down on breathing.. too tiring."

He eventually piled on 4 kgs in about a fortnight. True story. He is a genius.

People say, 'there is no such thing as an ugly girl, but only a lazy girl'. I say, 'shut the fuck up you morons, if you don't know what you are saying'. Laziness causes alot of things, like pregnancy because you were too lazy to wear a condom, or maybe even poverty, but it most certainly does not cause ugliness.

Ugliness is caused usually by genes, disapproval of cosmetic surgery and puberty. And there is no such thing as an ugly girl? Well, I have $100 that says Facebook says there is.

Laziness should also be exclusive to the male genotype. When women say they are lazy, they are actually just baiting for stupid men to do the work for them. Unless they are hot and have huge tits, they shouldn't be and the best way to respond to that statement is to immediately tell them that you are lazy too.

Of late, I really lacked the motivation to do anything. For awhile, I was actually excited about the idea of writing a book and I've actually gotten the foundation of it pretty much laid out, but Laziness just paralyzed me and I went back to believing that dreaming is an acceptable form of meditation.

Laziness is truly addictive as much as it is a cyclical regression. It's like wasting your life away and feeling good in the process of it. It's also one of the best excuse to avoid doing anything and piss people off in the proccess.

"I'm lazy."

It's the shortest explaination to why you are not going to be doing what you are told or supposed to do. When we confess it out loud, people give up trying to make us do work and eventually get it done themselves.

Thus, while Laziness is a general plague, is a mutually exclusive disease for when it comes to having two or more people. The general rule, and I know this because I am extensively well versed in the medical field, is that Laziness affects the majority, but not entirely. There will always be one person suddenly cured (voluntarily or coerced) of it and that person will clean up everyone's shit.

As you see Laziness is frown upon by the capitalist society because they associate the word 'beggars' to it. I on the other hand believe beggars are associated to words like, 'chicken', 'project superstar winner' and 'Steven Chow'.

There are certain people whom I can tell you aren't lazy off hand. People who,

TyPe LikE ThIS

These are people who have too much time on their hands and think they are being cute, when they are actually morons. Do you have any idea how fucking tedious it is to read, let alone read text that have a dysfunctional Caps lock?

Honestly, if you are a guy and you type like that, you will be laughed at. Or you probably already have been laughed at. I'm serious. My female friends show me text of people who type like that and they use words like, 'idiot' and 'moron' interchangeably when addressing you.

There is perhaps only one cure to Laziness other than complete hypnosis or hiring a slave, and that is Nagging. Nagging is like an antibiotic, you might not like the taste of it, but it can sometimes be good for you. I stress, Sometimes, because most of the time it is not worth paying attention to.

The best medium of application for Nagging is usually through a girlfriend, since it is already part of their job to be obnoxious and to get angry over nothing. Nagging actually gets us to do something. It's like a catalyst for an action, even if it means punching them in the face. And if this holds through in practise as it does in theory, then my only escape from Laziness is to get attached.



At 9:19 PM, Blogger The Horny Bitch said...

That's what mums are for.. NAG.

At 4:38 PM, Blogger sÞ¡ηηєє said...

lazy bum ... *smack bf's butt*!!

i hate ThOSe pPlE wHo TyPE lIkE ThiS Too..

shit i spent about 1-2 mins typing that way. duhhhhhh

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