Friday, March 21, 2008

Men And Colours

In case you don't already know, the colour blind (red-green) deficiency is an occurance only available in men. This is because that disability is found only in the Y chromosome, which creates the penis, while the two X chromosomes have other disabilities like incessant nagging, crying and chocolate cravings.

Colour blind, is however NOT a deficiency nor is it a handicap. In fact, there is nothing wrong with being colour blind, except being a road hazard or a liability at jungle warfare, but these are trivialities which we can accept since we are already tolerant of obesity. And that I still wonder why.

Being colour blind is actually in tangent to the male dominant trait, because guys love to simplify matters, and for the record, no, I am not colour blind. Men primarily have very limited vocabulary with colours. We know the basic colours and occassionally we throw in more bombastic words like, 'light blue' or if we are very well read, 'baby blue'.

'Baby blue' is just about the most fanciful colour in our vocabulary, while still remaining in the realm of being a man. The moment you start throwing out words like 'midnight' or 'obsidian black', you know you are gay.

You see, being male means we don't need to be entirely objective. We only need to see things as it is because it saves time. Women see things a lot more convulated than men, almost as if they have a kaleidescopic view of the world. Here is an example of how men and women differ.

Giving directions,

Women: "My car is parked between the lavender Nissan and the fuchsia Honda."
Men: "Huh.."

Men: "My car is parked between the blue S15 and the pink S2000."
Women: "Huh.."

This is why men and women argue all the time. Women and men see things very differently. Women see colours like, maroon and aquamarine when men get confused between 'brown or red' and 'blue or green'. Women also see things like, a problem with having the toilet seat up and violence in wrestling, while men don't see anything wrong with it.

Just the other day, Reznor was complaining about feeling lost because his car was at the workshop for re-spraying and that he is basically whinny because he doesn't know how to take the public transport and still recovering from post-epileptic trauma that taxi meters no longer jump at 10cents.

Me: "So what colour did you re-spray it?"
Reznor: "Pearl white."
Me: "Why did you spray it white again?"
Reznor: "It's not white, it's PEARL WHITE!"
Me: "That's still white."

I don't know why, but he went hysterical on me. I also didn't know when he traded in his penis and started picking up all these feministic terms, which were constructed to confuse men.

Reznor: "Do you know the difference between white and pearl white?"

Obviously I didn't because I am a normal straight man, and like all other normal men, prefer to keep our colour charts simple.

Me: "What are you talking about? White is white. Real men say things like white, black, blue. Women say things like 'pearl white'."

Reznor: "Pearl White is not white. There is a fucking difference to it. Faith, can you please educate this ignorant fucker."
Faith: "Blah blah blah..."

I didn't want to argue much with Reznor, because I knew then and there, he had already given up his manhood and was probably already gay. To prove my point, he even roped in Faith who is a female to validate his point. Obviously, I don't understand gay gibberish nor feministic preaching, so I ignored them, not before making my final stand.

Me: "Are you gay? Cos only gay people say such things."

I understand why women need to differentiate the various shades of a particular colour and ascribe cool words to it like 'Crimson Red', 'Scarlet Red' and 'Red rose syrup'. That's because they are puppets of fashion, have too much money and believe there is a need to have nail polish in 4 shades of the same colour, just as long as the name is different.

They however fail to understand that men don't realise any differences in all that investment. We only see colours in one shade,

'IDoNotCare'.

Do you really think we are going to notice a difference if you dropped to a lighter shade of red for your nail polish? Do you really think we see a difference between dark blue and midnight blue? If you haven't already realised, men don't pay attention to nail polish or what earring you are wearing.

We only notice things of paramount importance, like cleavage, ass and occassionally if we really have the time, patience and concentration, your jeans tag, just so we know your waist.

Is there really a need to complicate matters? Do you really think the police give a shit if you tell them, 'a pearl white car' as opposed to just simply 'a white car'.

You: "A pearl white car just sped from the crime scene."

The police interprets as, 'Gay eye witness saw a white car fleeing from the scene. Probably shat himself. Let's check if the Village People are coming for a reunion concert, we can give him tickets to commend his assistance.'

Or,

You: "White car sped from the crime scene."

Police interprets as, 'Very insightful account. This is going to help solve the case. This guy has the makings of a natural detective.'

Colours are only important to men for very carnal reasons. Like, skin colour for racial statistical accounting and hair colour to determine IQ and colours of a person's nipples. These are the very few times that where there is actually a huge difference between dark brown and light brown.

You can disagree with me, but you are either wrong or gay.

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