The Relationship Life Cycle - Male

Not many people realise this, but Happy Ever Afters are fairytales proliferated by Disney and fictionalized by Hollywood. They are make believes to have people make sacred their chastity and safe guard children from the greater purpose in life, Promiscuity.

Happy Ever Afters are myths and un-natural occurrences, much like Atlantis and the multi male orgasm, and are experienced by less than 0.7% of the human population. Happy Ever Afters are however possible, only when you marry at 70 and you both die shortly after before realizing the existence of erectile dysfunction.

Love, is like a commodified product. And in the dynamics of marketing, we learn that all products go through a product life cycle. Relationships blossomed by love, follows the exact same pattern of triumph and subsequent demise.

If you disagree with me, you are either blind, single and unwanted, never had a relationship without the medium of money or just simply, wrong.

I’ve decided to split this post into two parts instead because I believe there is a gender divide when it comes to the life cycle. So since the last I checked, I had a dick, I’ll write the male version first then follow up with the female one.

The Courting Stage.

This is the infancy stage or what would be commonly known and dreaded by men alike, as the chasing/wooing stage. This stage is characterized by several defining traits which shape the dynamics of the chasing game and the eventual foundation of what would be, a relationship.

1. High Cost

The courting stage has the highest propensity for expensive dinners. This is the one stage where women in general, reap the benefits of having a cleavage and men suffer the effects of social norms, because there is an unwritten rule that states, having a penis equates to paying for dinner.

Men will take you out for over-priced dinner, offer to pick you up even if you live on polar ends of the island and will even volunteer to book movie tickets online. Yes, we are disgusting. They will deliver lunch to your house, surprise you with your cravings and legitimately be interested in what you have to say. If they are stupid enough, they will waste their money on flowers as well.

People subscribe to the notion that generosity is a way to charm a woman. Some see it as a direct interpretation of penis size or maybe a disguise for it. I will point you to a fact that generosity is also a yardstick of stupidity.

2. Induced Interest

In this stage, the relationship of two people is usually skewed. One person puts in more effort, the other benefits from it. It’s like masturbating, you might feel good, but your hand or that dildo doesn’t.

Men have the highest threshold of tolerance when they are in the courting stage. They are easy going and they will take you up on your request even if they will under normal circumstance, slice off their ankles just to show you how much they do not want to do it.

This is the one stage men will shop at Spotlight with you and not have them complain. If they are really into you, they will pretend they are interested in cloth and glitter, or whatever crap they have in that Mardi Gras reject shop. If he isn’t pretending, he is gay. If you already knew that, I am hoping you are gay too.

People will also seem to still have endless things to talk about even after your date ended. Phone calls are known to be chalked up in hours on a single night, conversations will include past relationship expriences and men will say stupid things like, "I can't believe he did that to you. You deserve better", because they believe this will automatically unbutton the girl's pants.

They will even pretend to laugh at your stupid jokes, even if the punchline was so dry, that the deaf would cut out their ears, just so you think they are genuinely interested. Conversations are also sometimes largely towards the girl’s cleavage. They will think everything is a good idea, just because they will get to spend more time with you. They will regret this 6 months down, but they just don’t know it yet.

I know this for a fact because I was stupid once. She suggested a Sunday morning cycling session at East Coast and I agreed against my better judgment, when I knew damn well that Sunday morning sleep-ins’ were crucial for post-party hangover therapy.

3. Low Returns

The marginal returns for this stage are usually extremely low. Expensive dinners and wonderfully planned dates might generally get you nowhere further up the front steps with a goodnight kiss. Sex is generally non-existent or if society hasn’t entirely surrendered to decadence or sexual liberty, and retained a dose of conservatism, then sex could very well herald your graduation into the next stage of actual committal dating.

Honeymoon stage

1. High Attention Spans

In this stage, men are highly devoted to you. They are least likely to stray or stare brazenly at other women. They are willing to spend entire weekends with you and forsake other man duties like poker with the boys, prostitution and getting drunk.

This is one stage men will genuinely be interested to hear how boring your day was or hear you bitch about your colleagues, even if the word ‘sex’ or ‘blowjob’ was absent from the conversation. They will even offer to give you a back rub even if you haven’t done a single menial task except for chatting away on MSN all day.

2. High Cost

Like the Courting Stage, men will still generally spend on women and usually more so in the Honeymoon Stage. Expensive restaurants are still a staple diet, along with picnics on the beach or even sunset cruises.

They will travel insane distances, defying the oil cartel’s price explosion, just so that they can get you your favourite bean curd at Rochor and Nasi Lemak at Changi. They will also say stupid things like, “just as long as you are happy”, when you thank them for it.

3. High Marginal Returns

Reciprocation is at its peak. Buying flowers easily entitles you to a blowjob. If you take out the trash, you have a handjob waiting for you when you get back. This is the one stage where sex comes so freely, it’s like collecting leaflets at the Orchard underpass or having a True Yoga session.

4. Names Of Affection

This is also one stage where ‘I love you’ is often punctuated by ‘so much’. Pet names are also created at this juncture of the relationship and follow a generic typicality of cuteness and affection. Here are some guidelines to it.

A. Pet names usually have the alphabets ‘ie’ and ‘y’ at the end. For example, ‘Honey’, ‘Sweetie pie’. Just because it’s cuter that way.

B. If the pet name is two words, they should usually be either similar words, like ‘Be Be’ or ‘Zap Zap’. If not, then they are usually rhyming words like, ‘honey bunny’, ‘wormy squirmy’ or if you are a huge Lady Marmalade fan, I will suggest, ‘Mocha Chocca Lata Yaya’, just so you can follow it up with ‘where you think ya sleeping to night’.

C. Pet names always have a tinge of cuteness in them as if they were invented by Hello Kitty loving Japanese pre-school girls. It must always be void of masculinity, so you can rule out things like, ‘Power Ranger’, ‘El Diablo’ or ‘Godzilla’, but you can consider those for your penis.

D. If people squirm while hearing it, you know you picked a successful pet name.

5. High Stupidity

Men are also very likely to do other stupid things like agreeing to wear matching couple’s t-shirts with a picture of them printed on the front, having a joint savings account or going on holidays together to male exclusive sanctuaries like Bangkok or Phuket.

6. Low Propensity To Argue

Arguments are unheard of in this stage. Couples will have tiffs at worse, because the men will usually start to lose their testicles and give in to women the moment they frown. Men at this stage usually do not have the interest to make a strong opinion and will generally give in to women, even if she says the Original two piece meal was invented by MacDonalds.

When couples have their first big fight, then you know they’ve come to the next stage in the relationship.

The Maturity Stage

1. Low Attention Spans

Men are no longer entirely devoted to you. You will now have to wrestle for his attention with the PS3, Soccer on cable television and Entourage. Men will also start to make comparisons of other women with you or more subtly, make passing remarks on random hot women. You will also be introduced to a new concept previously unheard of, ‘Boys night out’.

Men are no longer entirely interested to hear how your day went and will generally reply with ‘mmm’ or 'uh huh’, when you give your dreadfully boring blow by blow account of the day. Men are only interested to hear if there are other men mentioned in your stories. Women can also forget about the back rub, unless it’s a special occasion like birthdays, Valentine’s day or if he hasn’t had sex in a week.

2. Low Cost

Men will start cutting down on visits to posh restaurants. Dinner dates will now be a regular affair with hawker food, fast food and if the woman is really lucky, Ichiban Boshi. Men will also stop buying flowers randomly or surprise you with gifts, unless of course there was a huge discount or that they’ve been naughty.

Men will no longer be willing to drive 30mins just to buy porridge or satisfy the girl’s cravings. They will instead try to lullaby you into believing that the one across the road tastes just the same. And even so, it might take the girl some degree of cajoling or a flying vase before the men will agree to buy it for them.

3. Medium Marginal Returns

Sex at this stage might have degenerated into a mechanical performance of routine. Sex is now not so much a reward, but an entitlement. The men no longer do things to impress, since everything thing has become a routine and there really isn’t a need to breach the norm anymore. Just as long as he does not piss her off, he will get to fuck her.

4. Names of Affection

Mushy Pet names are now fragments of memories, immortalized in text messages, birthday cards or letters. In place of it, are simple generic call words like, ‘babe’ or ‘dear’. It is also common for them to just use a derivative, shortened from the actual name.

5. Medium Propensity to Argue

Men are no longer as forgiving or tolerant. They will voice their opinions and displeasure like there is a suggestion box going round. Huge fights are common and men will no longer apologize voluntarily when they are not at fault.

Character differences and similarities are highly pronounced at this stage. Men, having the innate instincts to avoid places with yelling and conflict (unless he’s Bush), will generally try to avoid an argument, which will inadvertently piss the girl off more.

Arguments and fights are episodic and will pass over quickly. Having recurrent bouts of heated arguments are antecedent to the arrival of the final stage.

The Demise Stage

This is the buffer period between a possible revival and eventual break-up. This stage is generally short-lived, but has been known to be dragged unnecessarily long by masochistic idiots who do not know when to let go.

1. No Attention Span

Men no longer give a shit how your day went. You could have broken a leg, got fired or be terribly depressed and they will give you the same interest they will to watching Martha Stewart. However, they will still blow their top if you went out with other men.

Men will no longer even bother to call you. They will say everything they need to, over the medium of text messages. They will only call you if they are waiting for you and need you to hear how pissed they are.

75% of the World’s most prolific liars are in this stage. Men will lie even about playing poker just so to get you off their backs.

2. Low Cost

You can forget dinner dates. Men will try to meet you as little as possible and will cite anything from work commitments to colleague’s birthdays, just so that they will only need to meet you late at night for a short while, or blame fatigue and skip meeting up with you entirely.

Men who cheat on you in this stage will not be pricked by guilt so they will not have a reverberating conscience that will lead them to Tiffany or Marc Jacobs. Hell, they will not even buy you donuts for that matter.

3. Sex

Men will still fuck you even if they no longer love you. Well, that’s because we are assholes.

4. Names of Affection

You will be relegated to ‘Oei’, ‘Eh’ or any other mono-syllabic grunts and at dire times, you will be addressed by your full name, just so you know that they are mad at you.

5. High Propensity to Argue

Everything has the potential to blow up into a fight. Men will tell you to shut up before you even get five seconds into a nag of him not picking up his socks. Men will not only ignore you, but will slam the door or punch the wall, just to make sure you get the idea that he is pissed, is stronger than you and can break your neck in a fight, while having a cookie.

Men will pick on things like, ‘being controlled’ and not being able to meet up with his friends. They will also become paranoid if you are dating behind his back. They will also bring up new concepts like, ‘I need my space’.

Fights can last for weeks and can start from trivialities stemming from disagreement of movies, leaving the toilet seat up or suggesting an abortion. And in the finality of verbal abuses and tears, you become smarter.

Welcome back to singlehood. You know you miss it.