Monday, June 09, 2008

The Dating Dictionary

When men created the human language, relationships no longer became just a carnal intercourse supplemented by grunts, but it evolved into a whole new complex and equally bothersome concept that involved talking and understanding your partner.

Centuries on, Communism has fallen, China is still drowning babies, mankind has landed on Mars, you can fly to Bangkok for under $200, but men and women still do not understand each other. We only have ourselves to blame.

For since the time of Da Vinci, codes have given mankind an equivocal tongue and this cursed language is one that is exclusive to genders. Where the military have fought wars on Morse codes and Revelation hunters have turned to the Bible codes for insights to the future, men and women alike are throwing out relationship specific terms that confuse the enemy, or in this case, their partners.

Attached men use an arsenal of terms as a ruse to blindside their actual intentions from women. This is largely because women aren’t as cool as they used to be when they are in a relationship, and will jump at any chance to kick up a fuss. And women are coughing out ambiguity to play men back at their games.

Here's a run down of terms I've thrown up in the two Life Cycle posts. This would be the glossary as opposed for an intended epilogue to the Life Cycle posts, because I'm just plain lazy and uninspired. You might have heard this, but do you REALLY know what they mean?

Boy’s Night Out : [event]

[misconception] : A night with the guys. A time for old buddies to catch up over beer and pork knuckles. No girlfriends allowed, strictly for men.

[actual] : A night out with the guys. No girlfriends can come along, but it is ok for other girls to join in. The guys will catch up over beer, while checking out other women in the club.

This is a staple term in a guy’s relationship life cycle, often introduced at the Maturity Stage (read Male Life Cycle Post). As the relationship charges towards the Demise Stage, there will be an exponential increase in frequency of usage, until they entirely do not even bother informing you.

Boy’s Night Out’ is often a form of catharsis from a social repression, in this case, a relationship. Men use this when they want to get out and enjoy a night without the women nagging. This is perhaps the one time they can leave their empty mug on the table and not get yelled at. Men also might take this opportunity to go out and squeeze other women’s tits.

Girl’s Night Out : [event]

[misconception] : A night out with her girlfriends. A time to catch up with each other. No men allowed, unless he’s gay.

[actual] : A night out with the girls. A time for them to unwind and complain about their boyfriends, or gossip about that hot new colleague with the great ass. No boyfriends allowed, unless he is just coming to pick you up for home.

'Girl’s Night Outs' aren’t really as corrosive to the relationship as compared to the male equivalent event. For one, girls don’t need to make up an excuse of hanging out with the girls, just so that they can cheat behind their boyfriend’s back. No, seasoned women will do this when the men are having a 'Boy’s Night Out', or just simply not in the country.

A Break : [event]

Structural conversational usage as such, “Let’s take a break

[misconception] : On a non-committal separation period. Both parties are allowed to head out and re-invent their lives.

[actual] : We learnt this from Ross and Rachel. You are both not talking to each other for X amount of time, but not allowed to fuck anyone else.

Girls use this because they want to reassess the relationship and need a break from all the bullshit being thrown at her by the guy.

Guys use this because he is pissed with all the bullshit being thrown at him and he really just wants to fuck someone else for the time being.

My Space : [verb]

Not to be confused with the social networking tool.

[misconception] : Couples tend to believe that being in a relationship equates to sharing their lives entirely. Idiots they are.

[actual] : Relationships are concentric circles with realms of individual spaces and personal time alone.

When people get stuffed in a relationship, they will say things like, ‘I can’t breathe’ or ‘I need space’ and you sometimes wonder if they are going into epileptic shock. ‘Breathe’? Like, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize we were scuba diving.

When a party uses the words, ‘my space’, you know that it is time to back off from that marriage plans or having a joint savings account. It is not uncommon to find relationships suffocating your social life, because that’s what relationships do, besides regular sex and arguments.

Nothing : [noun]

The single most irritating and baffling word a women has in her vocabulary.

[misconception] : Everything is ok.

[actual] : Everything is wrong. Everything the guy does will also be wrong from here on out, until she says what is pissing her off, which will take a lot of coaxing from the guy before she will eventually reveal.

Women in relationships are weird. Not only because they expect a lot more from men, but also because they do not know what they really want. They will tell you nothing is wrong and expect you to be Tarot reading gypsy and know exactly the root of the problem.

If you haven’t already realized, men don’t read minds. We read maps, soccer odds and Playboy magazine, not minds. Like how fucking often do find male on the psychic hotline. On the contrary, I love it when women tell me ‘nothing’ when I ask if anything is wrong, because I will take her word for it and not give a damn. It pisses them off and I generally do not get to fuck them again.

Relationships are a tedious journey for a perceived utopia. It's laced with coded texts, deception, mis-interpretation and fake orgasms, yet the foolish venture forth. I hope I broke up some relationships with these posts. You should thank me for it.

12 Comments:

At 3:03 PM, Anonymous Kezia said...

hahahahahhaa.. you're indeed the relationship guru.. :)

so when will u be in a relationship? :) :)

 
At 5:32 PM, Blogger The Horny Bitch said...

How abt "I need some personal time"?

 
At 5:54 PM, Blogger The Butterfly said...

kezia > when someone comes along and makes me want to be stupid for, I will

HB> Just for you babe,

"I need some personal time"

[misconception] : I need space to rethink us over.

[actual] : Sex is great with you, but it's getting boring, and I really just want sometime alone to see who else I can get to fuck.

 
At 9:14 PM, Anonymous JD said...

men do not read maps.
At least not infront of women.

 
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