Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Throwing A Straight Ball

History has been plagued by great mysteries, like spontaneous combustions, crop circles, how Bush ever became president and who framed Roger Rabbit.

Then came the interception of puberty and humanity was forever intrigued on the secret of sealing the deal on a date. For anyone that isn’t an insurance agent – or financial planners as they so prefer to be addressed in a futile ruse to blindside us – that would mean sex.

And yet, books have been written, dating manuals have been proliferated, movies have been made and you sometimes question the creditability of these as anything more than wank fodder. Sure, we all know what to do on a date, the things to say, the clothes to wear and the drugs to administer. Yet how much of theory do we actually practice?

Having game is all about the execution of it. Two people can do the same thing and get different results. A hot girl dancing seductively gets cheered. A whale doing the same thing gets bread thrown at her. Yes sure she’ll appreciate it but if we really could have our way, we would punch her. Twice. Then kick her when she’s down.

Yet beyond this, is a simple fabric of chance, woven so intricately in the whole complex canvas of flirting that people overlook. Most people don’t realize this, but the fastest way to sleep with anyone, is to actually be candid about it. Words may change but the gist of it should always remain. My personal preference is,

I want to fuck you.”

The other great line to get someone into bed is to throw up that L word, that without truth sounds as vulgar as the word ‘Stop’ to me. Hands up if you ever said ‘I love you’ just to score with someone and actually succeeded, because I believe there is enough of you to contend for a new denomination. But the consequence of manipulating ‘love’ comes with the burden of trivialities like dinner, movie dates and silly late night phone sessions.

On the other hand, telling anyone that you have an interest in sleeping with them has tons of meritorious value. For one, honesty as I believe, is still a virtue even in a society with an ailing moral fibre.

Secondly, your success or failure is almost instantaneously revealed. You have now effectively eliminated all second guessing and petal peeling. If you are really lucky, you might get to skip movie dates altogether.

Their response and your subsequent reaction to it, is planned out in a simple flowchart.

If they said no, you can ascertain your success rate on the next attempt. If there was trauma or surfeit of repulsion or they attempted to hit you, then I’m pretty sure they are serious about not fucking you. If there was hesitation or any glint of a grin, then they are not being honest with you and you have to ask yourself if you really want to sleep with liars.

If they said yes, then well, you saved so much time. You can then now skip dinner, shop for a condom and thank me for everything.

Obviously, we have to practice our own discretion when it comes to this. Popping this question to a random person without the intemperate presence of alcohol is tickling success to scorn you. The other great thing about alcohol is that when someone has enough of it, ‘I want to fuck you’ sounds a lot less vulgar and a lot more romantic.

Understanding a person’s reaction is imperative to your success. Naturally, it doesn't always succeed and I’ve had people yelling at me before, but being Butterfly and my initial disclaimer of being an ass, gives me impunity for any severe backlashes. Then, there are the successes –of which a good number of you reading this should already know.

And I narrate this only as a theoretical beauty of honesty.

If you know me in person, then you would know that I sometimes have the tendency to think aloud, which includes my desire to fuck you. And I usually make this clear to people who are aware of the blog, thus saving me time to find a dictionary to highlight my name under ‘asshole’.

Me: “Here’s how it all works when we meet. You will buy me a drink and somewhere along the way, I will stick my tongue into you.”
She: “What if you buy me a drink?”
Me:Then you get to stick your tongue into my mouth. Either way, this will never end at a kiss and you will end up fucking me.”
She: “Can’t we just meet and have drinks?”
Me: “We can. But we will fuck after that.”

Now, when you have angled something like that as I have, the person’s response is almost a direct correlation to your success. In this case, she did propose to meet up, or specifically,

She: “Where will you be? Doing anything later?

If you took SMS flirting code classes like I did, then you would know that if you took out all the vowels and consonants and added new ones, it would spell out.

I want to fuck you.”

Coincidence? I don't think so.

The thing is, inhibitions restrict people from life’s greater purpose; achieving orgasm. That is of course just below getting drunk on the priority list, but it is something everyone should aim for. And for your crude honesty, you might just be reciprocated with an equal quotient of desire.

By a general rule of the thumb, people sometimes already have a preconceived agreement with their conscience on whether they are going to sleep with you. And when that happens, there is usually nothing you can do to fuck it up unless you sliced off your penis by accident.

Well, this has to be so because you cannot imagine the shit that I am capable of saying sometimes, that I wonder how anyone would allow me to have alcohol prior to a conversation.

Hence, you will never really know where all this would lead to until you poke at your limits. Yes, you might fail but maybe you were born to fail, so whatever, at least you were honest. The fastest way to any object is a straight line, so why throw a curve ball when you can pitch a straight one.


At 11:25 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your blog is starting to read like Wendy\'s diary, but with slightly more crapulence and all the catty filth. In other words, pure bluster. So is this your blog-sister or is she your alter-ego?
Let\'s just say I\'ve never seen you two together at the same time. Suspicious, though her eye make-up and nails are better than yours.

At 10:23 AM, Blogger Tricia said...

Ok, I admit you're one of the most honest dudes out there. My sincere apologies for wrongfully 'labelling' you the other day.

I was going to make spurious comments like social conditioning, reputation and face-saving shit, but between the alcohol and not wasting time bits... well really, your argument is water tight.

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