Courtesy Words

We all know this. Women just want men to say what they are thinking of in their heads, only in a lower tone. And men, just want women to generally nag less.

The dynamics of the flirting game stretches beyond your pick up creatives, it isn’t just punctuated by kisses, and it certainly does not climax upon sex. Yes, in that kaleidoscope garage of ‘eye contact’ and ‘chemistry’, there is an integral part where your words become soldiers bent on verbally intoxication. And it becomes all about saying the right things at the right time.

I have a heart, but it’s bleached with negligence, soaked with skepticism and inured by practicality, but even I love hearing things I want to hear.

A successful pickup or date doesn’t just end with a number exchange or goodbye kiss. No, it ends when you’re recoiled from a quivering orgasm without any phone call interruptions from your mother. And what sustains the mood towards this bilateral utopia, is positive bedroom banter.

I say positive not because it is constructive to a better future, because that is inconsequential, much like breakfast, play school and condoms. Yes, they are good for you, but you don’t really need them. It’s positive because it just makes the other party happy from hearing.

Call it a stroking of ego, white lies or candid confessions, but in any words, it does get the pants off a little bit faster – and it sustains an erection longer.

You see, courtesy isn’t just about that tap on the head before you blow your load. Courtesy is also about playing down notoriety and playing up that virginal quotient. And, if you really need to, lying is a great way to get there.

I don’t know if it’s a written rule slipped between books at the secondary home economics classes in girl’s schools, because everyone – well almost- that I’ve hooked up with always emphasize a point that they never do one night stands and yet by some strange deviation of morals and self-control, end up next to me.

Do men like to hear this? Does it annul a fraction of any ensuing moral castigation? Is this a fodder to use as an excuse for bad sex? Is this an honest compliment of charm conquering inhibitions?

This is one point in time where what women say and men hears, are the same. For instance,

She: “I have never done one night stands before.”
What she is trying to say: “I am not a slut.”
What the guy hears: “You are not a slut.”

That is what you call symmetrical harmony. As opposed to a different setting, at a jewellery shop.

She: “That is a nice wedding ring.”
What she is saying: “Let’s think of marriage.”
What he hears: “End of late nights and poker Sundays. Why can’t they stick to Louis Vuitton.”

It’s always nice to hear that you aren’t frolicking with the village bicycle because ego aside, the ‘whore’ is a novelty, but the virginal girl next door is always a fantasy. And for the man, it does tickle in the right places when you know – or think- that you were charming enough to cajole a fresh one into sack.

I don’t really know how the male scenario plays out but from past experience, I can tell you that honesty is a not a virtue when people are naked. I learn that courtesy is also about lying, for example, if a girl were to ask when was the last time you went to bed with a stranger, you never say two things,

1. Yesterday or anything within a week.
2. I don’t know, because women tend to assume the worst case scenarios.

If you say any of the above and you do not get a reaction from her, then you can safely assume the following,

1. She isn’t as virginal to the whole ONS passage as she claims to be
2. She's really not that interested in you. Or maybe that was after your pants came off.
3. It’s a ladyboy. They aren’t as myopic and if they want to sleep with you, they will fuck you even if you just got your balls sewn back on.

So why are they courtesy words? Well, it makes the other party feel good, even at your expense. And some people are just wickedly good at it. I know people who are so good at courtesy words, they can sell you a three inch cock and make it sound like Puff the magic dragon, and you sometimes wonder if you’ve been looking at the wrong dick all these years.

Naturally, courtesy words aren’t gender exclusives and these are arsenals that I keep at a breaths proximity, just in case I need to pull another card out the rabbit’s ear.

She: “So many girls to choose from , why did you pick me?”
Me: “I only go for the best.”

Obviously that isn’t always true, but she’s happy to hear, so she talks less and you sleep more. And I learnt this because I used to regurgitate wise crap and it didn’t always go well. The last time I was asked and I replied,

Me: “I thought you hit on me?”

We got into a debate and she wouldn’t let it rest even after I said I was joking. I look back and I don’t find that night funny at all. I hate giving stupid answers.