Hope Is Not What You Need

If I decide to never believe in love and relationships, I only have my friends to blame.

When I said that relationships make people dumber, I was half bitter and entirely inspired by people around me. Of course, I also had a phonebook of empirical references in the forms of lived experiences and third party stories.

This is because I am surrounded by friends who are perpetually plagued by relationship woes that I’ve become a hotline of sorts. Yes I hear you saying, “but Butterfly doesn’t give a shit about anything except for that glass of vodka Red Bull”, and that is correct. Just that I also enjoy laughing at people in silly predicaments.

I’ve heard all that uncompromising situations people get caught in. Having an affair with a married man. Check. Can’t leave a relationship even though love has died. Check. Boyfriend cheated on them. Check. Cheated on the girlfriend and got caught. Check. Got caught again. Check. Broke up after a week. Check. Guy doesn’t love you, just wants sex. Check. And the list runs so long, if I actually ran through it all, it would qualify as completing a marathon.

And I am that cruel reality, because I will show you what an idiot you are.

The problem is that people tend to look for the silver lining in things that obviously don’t exist; like, Big Foot, happy ever afters or algebra solutions. People just don’t know when enough is really enough, when to move on and how to do it. Thankfully, you have me to spoon feed reality and practicality to you.

Hope is not what you need. This is what you need..

A Brain.

We all need this to start with to ensure that this liminal phase is as smooth as possible. For one, you need to know when to throw in the towel and salvage your dignity. Here are template scenarios.

1. They are cheating repeatedly behind your back.

To forgive them once was either a mask of magnanimity or a stroke of stupidity. Some will argue that it is true love, but it just pronounces my point that being in love makes you stupid.

If you are upset because you got cheated on, my sympathy goes out to you. If you are upset because you got cheated on again, then this is like a re-run of a sitcom, so I will laugh at you. Reality is cold and so is my tongue, because if you are too stupid to value yourself, then you obviously don’t need my respect either.

2. You complain about your partner incessantly

If you want to continuously bitch about something, then do something about it. It’s like watching a drama serial. If the same shit is airing repeatedly without any attempt to advance the plot, it will bore me.

I can sit through a session of you bitching about your partner, but if you have so much displeasure and feel that unhappy being together, then why not break up. I know some people who have so much to complain over the same issue, that they could get mutes to yell ‘shut up’ at them just to get them to stop talking.

3. You have been physically abused

If this is the case and you are STILL with that person, then this is not true love but the best manifestation of stupidity. Just so you know, I secretly snigger at how dumb you are as a person. Those bruise marks may be emotional scars to you, but to me they are just tattoos of stupidity. I laugh louder if they are on your face.

4. You are not allowed to watch your favourite TV program

Having the sovereignty to channel surf at your own prerogative is the foundation on which every successful relationship should be based on. Where hairdryers are exclusively for women, remote controllers should be the sole proprietorship of men.

The freedom to watch any TV program is a right that sometimes becomes surrendered when people get into a relationship. And that is wrong, just like having your steak well done, or going deep throat with braces.

I know so because I was in one such relationship and when she said ‘no watching this’, it came as an order and usually with a frown. If I went against that, she would make it clear that I will never see her tits for weeks to come.


Naturally of course, the case scenarios are never ending libraries of kaleidoscopic mixes of abuse, money, sex – or lack of it and lies, lots of it. Well, that pretty much sums up the fundamentals of relationships if you ask me. Yet, even with the onslaught of this shit wave, why do people still cling on so blindly?

It’s because love springs hope, and stupidity. And true love just stems from true stupidity.

Here is what will happen if you had a brain to think, instead of relying on trivial things like emotions, your heart or a penis.

1. They are cheating on you repeatedly.

You dump their ass. Repeatedly.

2. You complain about your partner incessantly

You dump their ass. Why bitch when you can spend your time doing more productive stuff like Sudoku.

3. You have been physically abused.

You dump their ass. Remember, you ever need to bitch slap, always use the master arm, lock the wrist and follow through with the slap.

4. Not allowed to watch your favourite TV program

You dump their ass. And do it fast before they start imposing rules on using the toilet or restricting your food intake.

Now, how much easier is life if you just used your brains? This is so easy, it’s like beating polio kids at hop-scotch. You might feel guilty at first but once you get used to it, you’ll wonder why you didn’t think of it earlier.

Life is too short to be taking shit from people, unless of course you are in the waste disposal line, then I guess more is better. If you ever need to execute a break-up, then do it properly, because time is an opportunity cost and it waits for no one, maybe except Usain Bolt.

I live for today, I do not cry and I stop for no one.