Friday, October 03, 2008

The F1 Weekend Pt 2

By Saturday, the F1 fever had already died in me. I was no longer thrilled by paddock visits, or nervous about holding an F1 steering wheel. I was instead, contented to sit at a 45 degree tilted angle on the sofa, just so my butt wouldn’t rub together.

Everyone thought it was an injury baked with hilarity and garnished with absurdity, because they could fathom the possibility of having an abrasion between the butt cheeks. And what deflated the credibility of my ludicrous injury, was the fact that I had no idea how I got it.

What I do believe was a culmination of perspiration, boxers, sand, alcohol and lots of dancing. It had to be such, because I swear I do not use sandpaper to wipe my shit.

So it was the morning routine of powdering my ass before I headed to the track. Yes, I might have contributed to the fog situation. And no, it is not fun when powder mixes with perspiration. It felt like having muah chee between your ass.

When the track activities ended, it was off to Zouk for the after party. I was already drained from the day and running on borrow fuel from the 2 cans of Red Bull at the hospitality suites and the lure of Carl Cox. And I needed to ensure that the arrival of the Formula Una girls in their stretch limo went off without a hitch.

And obviously it got almost disastrous because the limo was too big to be allowed entry into the valet lanes and it needed to do a ‘3 point’ turn at the hotel carpark entrance. And let me remind you that this was a stretch limo that you could fit a table tennis table, a jet ski and maybe the whole Olympic pool in there.

It was that huge, it could fit all the 10 girls in there, but it won’t fit a whale. Not that it wasn’t big enough, but fat people really do not deserve to sit in one. They don’t even deserve to get hit by one.

So I stood there watching as it did what seemed like a 24 point turn, to a point that I started making bets with the security guy.

Me: “I say, 5 more turns.”
Guy: “No la, 2 more can already lah.”
Me: “You are one optimistic man. It’s never going to make it.”

The limo took 2 more turns. I obviously know shit about reversing.

When we finally got in, Zouk was so shit house packed that if I stuck my finger in a socket, I would electrocute everyone in the club. It was so hard to just walk anywhere, I would have sliced off my penis just so I wouldn’t have to pee for the night.

The worst thing was that our table was cramped between two other tables and the girls hardly had enough space to sit. Then there was some guy who thrashed talked one of the girls and some guy who nearly got into an argument with me, because he thought I took his table. Then somewhere in the world, 1000 people died from starvation, but I don’t give a shit because all I was concerned about was for the champagne glasses to come.

It all started civilly, with three quarter filled champagne glasses and mandatory toast, one shot vodka and three parts Red Bull and mild cheers. Then somewhere through the 2nd bottle of Dom Perignon, we started drinking off the bottles and licking vodka off our cheeks.

And between all that vile mix of champagne and vodka, I had someone’s tongue in my mouth, then I got pulled out for a smoke, which was really a talk with a moral compass.

P: “Did you just kiss her? She has a boyfriend!”
C: “I know she’s throwing herself at you, but do you have to?!”

At 2 glasses, I’m still open to any moral injection. At 5 glasses, morals are fairytales. At 10 glasses, if you had your tongue in me, I will take you home, even if you are married to my neighbour. At 20 glasses, I will still want to fuck you, but I no longer can. At 30 glasses, I am no longer useful to you. You are better off using my liver to start a campfire.

By the next day, the pain from the abrasion had gone. Except now, the abrasions had dried up and it itched like hell. Not.funny.at.all.

If there was anything that was worse than having your ass raw with abrasions, it was having it itchy. While pain is controllable, itchiness isn’t mind over body. I cannot even resist hitting the snooze button, so obviously I do not have the mental fortitude to survive a butt itch.

I was now faced with a crisis that paled the financial collapse in the US. How was I going to survive the day? Was I going to make short regular bursts to the toilet to relieve the itch? Or should I adopt the one pit stop strategy? Or should I stuff a wet towel in there? Will powder still work? Maybe if I did it discreetly? Then I solved it,

Butt-clenching.

All I needed was to clench my asses tightly together and I could negate a good part of my need to scratch. If you only knew how many butt clenches I did, you will give me an aerobic show to host, and tell Richards Simmons to fuck off. I did so many, I could feel the toning of my ass and I became so good at it, I might be able to crack a walnut with it now.

It was horrible. If God didn’t hook me up with so many women over the weekend, I would have thought he hated me.

Fatigue had finally caught up to me and I surrendered eventually. And this was right in the middle of the actual race where everyone was standing and cheering. Yet, I managed to doze off. I am truly remarkable.

The only noteworthy of the race from where I was, was this group of Ferrari supporters who had banners and flags, and they were boisterous from the get go because Massa had pole. When the pit stop ass fucked him and dropped him to the back, they shouted a lot less. And when Raikkonen crashed, they started rolling up their flags.

By the time it came to the post race party, I was at a point where I was almost capable of saying stupid things like, ‘I’m not going to party for a week’. I was tired, my ass still periodically itched, but I still wanted to drink. It was then that I realized, I am truly incorrigible.

All that, and I survived F1, with an ass problem.


*I'll post pics on Facebook

9 Comments:

At 7:54 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I wonder how u manage the bonkings with an itchy ass..?Hmmm...

 
At 11:27 AM, Blogger Coach Factory said...

longchamp outlet online, michael kors outlet online, burberry outlet online, jordan shoes, ray ban outlet, christian louboutin shoes, gucci handbags, louboutin shoes, coach outlet, louis vuitton outlet online, nike shoes, michael kors outlet online, coach purses, red bottom shoes, louis vuitton outlet, michael kors outlet store, louis vuitton outlet, oakley vault, polo ralph lauren, longchamp handbags, tory burch outlet, coach outlet, prada handbags, nike free, longchamp outlet, nike air max, kate spade outlet online, louis vuitton, polo ralph lauren outlet, true religion, tiffany and co jewelry, burberry outlet online, kate spade handbags, coach outlet store online, chanel handbags, christian louboutin outlet, michael kors outlet online, prada outlet, oakley sunglasses, michael kors outlet online, ray ban sunglasses, louis vuitton handbags, cheap oakley sunglasses, nike air max, michael kors outlet

 
At 11:28 AM, Blogger Coach Factory said...

burberry pas cher, oakley pas cher, nike air max, scarpe hogan, abercrombie and fitch, sac vanessa bruno, air jordan, converse pas cher, nike air max, longchamp, nike huarache, nike roshe, louis vuitton uk, ralph lauren pas cher, lululemon, timberland, mulberry, north face, nike trainers, nike free pas cher, new balance pas cher, lacoste pas cher, nike free, nike roshe run, hermes pas cher, tn pas cher, sac michael kors, louis vuitton pas cher, ralph lauren, nike air force, chaussure louboutin, hollister, ray ban uk, barbour, guess pas cher, air max pas cher, air max, hollister, longchamp pas cher, true religion outlet, michael kors canada, north face pas cher, nike blazer pas cher, vans pas cher, michael kors uk, true religion outlet, longchamp, sac louis vuitton, louis vuitton, ray ban pas cher

 
At 11:29 AM, Blogger Coach Factory said...

babyliss pro, soccer jerseys, canada goose outlet, herve leger, birkin bag, lululemon outlet, bottega veneta, asics shoes, insanity workout, moncler, roshe run, ugg, jimmy choo shoes, ugg outlet, ferragamo shoes, canada goose outlet, canada goose uk, wedding dresses, canada goose, giuseppe zanotti, mac cosmetics, p90x workout, ugg soldes, uggs outlet, canada goose pas cher, new balance outlet, north face jackets, valentino shoes, instyler ionic styler, rolex watches, canada goose outlet, ghd, abercrombie and fitch, mcm handbags, beats headphones, soccer shoes, uggs on sale, moncler, reebok outlet, nfl jerseys, mont blanc pens, marc jacobs outlet, north face outlet, ugg boots, vans outlet, hollister, moncler, moncler outlet, chi flat iron, celine handbags

 
At 2:10 PM, Blogger oakleyses said...

louis vuitton, oakley sunglasses, ugg boots, oakley sunglasses, nike outlet, prada handbags, ugg boots, michael kors outlet, kate spade outlet, ray ban sunglasses, louis vuitton outlet, uggs on sale, oakley sunglasses, christian louboutin outlet, ray ban sunglasses, tiffany and co, michael kors outlet, oakley sunglasses, gucci outlet, tiffany jewelry, michael kors, michael kors outlet, louboutin shoes, louis vuitton, michael kors outlet, polo ralph lauren outlet, ugg boots, replica watches, burberry outlet online, cheap oakley sunglasses, jordan shoes, nike air max, nike free, longchamp, replica watches, nike air max, chanel handbags, michael kors outlet, louboutin, louis vuitton outlet, burberry, louis vuitton

 
At 2:13 PM, Blogger oakleyses said...

louboutin pas cher, coach purses, hogan, michael kors, sac longchamp, lacoste pas cher, true religion jeans, vanessa bruno, abercrombie and fitch, coach outlet, sac guess, hermes, ralph lauren pas cher, coach factory outlet, michael kors, lululemon, nike blazer, nike air max, nike free, ralph lauren uk, air force, new balance pas cher, air jordan pas cher, true religion jeans, converse pas cher, nike roshe, north face, true religion jeans, ray ban pas cher, vans pas cher, nike roshe run, michael kors, michael kors, ray ban uk, nike free run uk, oakley pas cher, hollister pas cher, nike air max, nike air max, timberland, kate spade handbags, tn pas cher, coach outlet, longchamp pas cher, air max, north face, mulberry, burberry, true religion outlet, hollister

 
At 2:16 PM, Blogger oakleyses said...

babyliss, north face outlet, north face outlet, giuseppe zanotti, s5 cases, nike roshe, louboutin, baseball bats, valentino shoes, beats by dre, ferragamo shoes, iphone 6 plus cases, ipad cases, bottega veneta, iphone 6s cases, hollister, mont blanc, nike huarache, birkin bag, iphone 6s plus cases, chi flat iron, vans shoes, nfl jerseys, soccer shoes, mcm handbags, hollister, abercrombie and fitch, instyler, timberland boots, lululemon, ralph lauren, new balance, soccer jerseys, celine handbags, jimmy choo shoes, herve leger, nike trainers, reebok shoes, iphone cases, insanity workout, oakley, p90x workout, longchamp, wedding dresses, asics running shoes, iphone 5s cases, iphone 6 cases, nike air max, ghd, mac cosmetics

 
At 2:19 PM, Blogger oakleyses said...

ugg boots uk, converse outlet, lancel, gucci, swarovski crystal, hollister, barbour, moncler, nike air max, canada goose outlet, links of london, ugg pas cher, converse, ugg,ugg australia,ugg italia, barbour jackets, pandora charms, pandora charms, sac louis vuitton pas cher, pandora jewelry, vans, louis vuitton, moncler, canada goose, swarovski, canada goose uk, juicy couture outlet, canada goose, karen millen, moncler, louis vuitton, canada goose outlet, louis vuitton, moncler, canada goose, coach outlet, michael kors outlet online, montre pas cher, michael kors handbags, supra shoes, toms shoes, wedding dresses, moncler, doke gabbana outlet, moncler, louis vuitton, pandora jewelry, juicy couture outlet, ugg,uggs,uggs canada

 
At 9:50 AM, Blogger Minko Chen said...

kobe bryants shoes
cheap football shirts
michael kors outlet online
rolex watches outlet
air jordan 13
tory burch outlet online
north face outlet
swarovski crystal
rolex watches,rolex,watches for men,watches for women,omega watches,replica watches,rolex watches for sale,rolex replica,rolex watch,cartier watches,rolex submariner,fake rolex,rolex replica watches,replica rolex
polo ralph lauren
discount ugg boots
canada goose outelt
michael kors wallet sale
tommy hilfiger
ysl outlet
air force 1 shoes
ugg outlet uk
fred perry polo shirts
coach outlet store
coach outlet store

 

Post a Comment

<< Home