Thursday, January 01, 2009

The Best of 2008

Just because this is the new year and we only say good things, I will review my 2008 positively – which sucks because everyone knows there is less literary merits in writing the good things than to brazenly vituperate all that is bad.

I can’t complain because other than the persistent zit on my cheek, a mild hangover and an empty stomach, I can’t really remember anything mildly terrible that has happened and worth me ruining my vow on silence of vulgarities.

I am after all Singaporean, and I believe I might just have a loose fraction of Irish blood in me because I don’t think it is even remotely possible for me to run through the keyboards without subconsciously linking F-U-C-K together.

But let’s recap MY happy moments shall we, because I believe some of you reading this were a part of it.

1. Best Party

I had some great house parties this year and I still vividly remember having my tongue down the throats of strangers, whose introduction to me was over whiskey and bourbon. Yet, only one party absolutely stood out for the setting, the people and the sheer intemperance of alcohol.

It was a chartered boat, a female to male ratio that looked like the demographics of a Mango sale and a cornucopian wonderland of the trinity of incapacitation; champagne, vodka and beer. This was one of the only time that I actually got smashed before sunset.

It was a hedonistic cruise which held several episodes of drunken debauchery, manifested in the form of botched lap and pole dances, jumping off the boat, girl on girl kissing, champagne sloshing and random making out. I’m guilty of several misconducts, but it’s me. You can’t expect anything good out of me.

This was funny for several reasons because the boat actually ran out of water towards the end and people were throwing up everywhere and there was puke all over the toilet floor – and sometimes a trail leading to there.

I even slipped on it, got up and started laughing at one of the guys who was so drunk that he was incapable of response to pain. Now that I think of it, it was a lot funnier when I was drunk.

2. Best Pick Up Line

Generally it is best that I shut up when I start drinking because anything that comes out after the 5th glass is hardly charming and anything after the 10th is catastrophic. I am hardly the social nutcracker neither am I the pleasant conversationalist under the influence of trance and alcohol.

The one reason why I do not pick up random strangers is that I know somewhere down the line when I get tired of her cleavage and when I’ve ran out of trivial introductory formalities, it nose dives. And yet sometimes miracles happen and it becomes an accidental pleasantry.

You know if life you see people and you think to yourself, ‘wow, that is a hot piece of ass. I would like to fuck her’. No? No one? Just me? And then years down your paths cross and you think this might be fate. That is not fate, well not until one of you get hit by a car happen to be driven by the other person. Now that’s fate, or maybe that’s just TVB.

Anyway, when I was still in NUS, there was this one chick whom I would always run into when I was walking up the stairs. And she would always be in front of me and trust me, this girl had such a figure that I didn’t care that she was Caucasian.

Forward 3 years later, I run into her at a party and believing this was God’s way of rewarding me for staying sober still and nudged by inexplicable courage, courtesy of vodka, I approached her with what I believed was the best pick up line in my library of wit.

Me: “Are you from NUS?”

Yea well, I know it sucked but it apparently worked wonders because she got all excited about trying to figure out if we took any classes together and stuff, until I confessed that I was glued to her ass. She said, “Why didn’t you talk to me when we were in school”, and I interpreted that as, “Let’s fuck”.

2 hours later, she said she was going back with me and I said, “That is the most romantic thing anyone has said to me all day”. Am I good at reading conversational codes or what.

3. Best Holiday

I haven’t been out of the country much this year and if I could count coming back early January from Taiwan last year as a legitimate holiday, then I would say that was the best, but between Hong Kong and Bangkok, the choice is clear.

Bangkok was great because for the sheer amount of debauchery we submerged ourselves in, the tab was worth it. It was as I remembered, a carnal circus of skin on skin, lewd proposals, cheap liquor and a moral vacuum.

And yet it was also an anti-thesis on my assumptions that Japanese were superior beings on bed and with a cock in their mouth.

Yet, Bangkok was great because it was a vicarious substitution of sorts. It was about living the life at a fraction of the cost. It was about limo rides, shark fins and bottle laden tables. It was about being the expatriate and the desire of local women. It was about letting go of inhibitions and knowing that consequences are 3hrs of flight time away and might never catch up to you.

4. Best line on a date

I’ve had short dates, most of them relatively excruciating to trudge through with hardly even stipples of anecdotes to amuse myself with. Then there are those dates that you knew had only one real purpose and that was the impeding fornication under the sheets at some transit hotel or a deserted off road track.

One particular date started with drinks and was prolonged by her reluctance to home. It was a matter of who would verbalize the desire first. She finally on my suggestion that I send her home, caved and said what would be the best pick up line used on me this year.

She: “I thought you usually fuck on your first dates?”

5. Best Carpark Moment

I’m never a big fan of sex in the car because exciting as it might be, the novelty dies off after 2 mins and spatial constraints start to supersede the erotic quotient of outdoor sex. Yet, sometimes the events leading up to it become amusing when marvel at how things can pan out at the absence of sobriety.

This was The Riverwalk and it started as a mild intoxicated walk back to the car for her and then evolved into a lingerie viewing of sorts. She had commented on her delighted purchase of a new set of under garments and I suggested a viewing to mark my approval. She got her clothes off and I said she made a bad purchase and demanded she remove them immediately or face the wrath of the fashion police.

Yes, what do I know about fashion, but when people are under the influence of alcohol, everything is a great idea. Next thing I know, there is a girl naked in my back seat in a very public and brightly lit carpark. And I wonder how can anyone hate living?

6. Best Dance Event

Nothing will ever come close to the rave at Port Dickson for one reason, Tiesto. For the uninitiated to the Trance scene – know that I frown at you -,Tiesto is the biggest name in the industry. He is so awesome, you cannot say his name without screaming in joy. Deaf people are cured just from the sheer awesomeness of his music.

In perspective, he is to Trance as how Beyonce is Destiny’s Child, or how Batman is to Gotham or how young boys are to Michael Jackson; Essential.

This was one event that was worth every minute of the 6 hour journey up to Port Dickson, because when he did his finale and there were fireworks, it was the singular most happy time in my life that did not include lying next to someone naked.

I wrote about the whole event in two parts here and here. And for most parts, I introduced that event as the Sunshine Party for reason that people were in sunglasses at night (for very valid reasons of course).

7. Best Birthday Celebration

What else beats having 25 people pub crawl from Boat Quay to Zouk, with the sole intention to conquer a 26 drinks list, while engaging in socially harmful antics like grabbing crotches of strangers, random lap and bar top dancing, French kissing strangers and forcing bystanders to do the Great Singapore Workout.

That would be LB and my joint birthday bash.

Sure there were many good birthday parties. Germ had hers at a hotel suite and I got drunk, jumped off the table and stepped right on Aude’s vagina by accident. I know that sounds amusing, but I assure you it wasn’t for her. But, does anything really beat having 25 drunk people parading the streets?

8. Best buy of the year

That would be $100 for a home entertainment system that allegedly cost $3999 but in actuality cost $60. And if you need to know, I have yet to try it. If anyone is willing to test it out for me, by all means.

The great thing is that when I was recounting this story to some other friends, it turned out that one of them actually also bought the exact same system as mine and also through one of those loitering vans. The only difference was that she wasn’t as candid about it as I was.

She confessed only because I was telling it like I was the proud owner of a new Mercedes Benz which I bought at the cost of a Picanto. The only difference was that she paid $450. And the thing is, both of us have yet to even come remotely close to testing it.

But for the sake of my $100, let’s just assume that it is working just fine.

9. The Firsts

2008 has been a year of many firsts for me. Sexual nationality and race conquest aside, I actually finally won the lottery. And this is 27 years in the making and it came to a point where I was starting to wonder if the Government rigged it just so that I was the only person to not strike.

After years and unimaginable money thrown over the Singapore Pools counter, I finally won on a permutation of my car number. Minus off my initial investments, I am left with $110. Great things are installed for me. Now, I am one step closer towards the $10 million dollars. Life is great again.

And of course, there was my virgin wax session, which was so painful, I actually looked down at one point to check if my dick was still there.

2009..

So 2008 has gone, and a year on, I am still reminiscing the winter in Taiwan, I’ve changed jobs, I’ve learned to drink in moderation – sometimes -, February, September and December made sporadic interventions in my life at some point and I’ve almost gone back on my words on only dating Asians.

It’s been a fast moving year. Beijing has shown the world that beyond architectural wonders, they will stop at nothing to make the best Olympic hosting, even if it meant video editing and lip synching. Spain might have won the Euro cup, but no one really cared. The world is still in peril, but thank god we have Miss Universe to save it.


And I am still single.

11 Comments:

At 6:12 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"And of course, there was my virgin wax session, which was so painful, I actually looked down at one point to check if my dick was still there."
lol...good one

 
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