Butterfly Meets Ninjas

Many people think that ninjas are myths, like werewolves, unicorns, and the swine flu virus. You think they only exist in cheesy Hollywood B-flicks or Japanese anime. Maybe sometimes you hear about them on the History channel or you watch men try to replicate their feat on Ninja Warrior.

But I can assure you that those are as fiction as it gets, because those aren’t even close to the truth about ninjas. You might not know this because ninjas are a highly trained and equally secretive breed, but they actually live amongst us.

Yes sure, television propagates nonsense about how ninja’s have superhuman agility and poor fashion sense but they undermine the very element that makes a ninja special. And that is the ability of stealth. If you don’t already know this, then let me reveal to you the greatest urban secret.

NEA officers are actually ninjas. They have to be, because they appear out of nowhere, when you least expect.

I have to hand it to them. As I am typing this, I am reeling a fine for illegally disposing of a cigarette butt. And this was at a dimly lit carpark and I have no idea where they were hiding, but they also obviously have super night vision and an incredibly keen eyesight for tracking offenders. Sometimes I wonder why no one employed these men to track Mas Selamat, because if he ever threw a cigarette butt on the ground, they would have found him; even if it was in the Himalayans.

After I got into my car, one of them came up to tap my window. Thinking he was in need of a parking coupon, I graciously opened my door.

Him: “Sir, I’m from NEA. You just threw your cigarette butt on the floor.”

He was polite and smiling, but this is the one time I hate people to smile at me. People, despite what they teach you about being altruistic or helping people in need, don’t listen to any bit of that fuck crap, because if I had driven off, there was nothing they could have done.

I immediately stuck my head out the door,

Me: “Wah, where were you hiding.”

He ignored me because I believe it is his job to be rude after the first sentence. Then some other guy came along.

Guy2: “Sir, don’t worry this time it is just a fine, the second time you will be charged in court..”
Me: “Okay. But seriously, where were you guys hiding.”

I wasn’t trying to be a smartass, but I was genuinely curious because there was NO ONE in the immediate vicinity of my car.

Guy2: “We are around.”

I don’t know if that was his speech on omniscience but it sucked.

Of course, after I got fined, I stuck around because I wanted to watch them in action. And I was just being sadistic about it because I actually found myself rooting for them when they caught other people throwing their cigs on the ground – 3 to be exact.

And it’s amazing how fast they move, how they conceal themselves amongst the cars and how they can spot offenders from such a distance. The best part is that you’ll never ever see them coming and they’ll engage you with surprise and leave you with a pinch.

Normal human beings? I don’t think so. Ninjas? Most definitely.