Monday, May 10, 2010

How To Lose Your Partner In 10 Ways - Pt 2

I know I’ve been awful at keeping up with regular posts, but coming back every night with a breath of vodka is hardly the right condition to be in. Let’s pick up from where I left off..

3. iPhone

While it is the greatest invention by mankind after the condom, this is also the biggest irony of technology and it’s mantra of bridging people or if Nokia was still alive, ‘connecting people’. Not many people realize it, but the iPhone is actually the aphesis of everything communal and social.

In short, this is the very reason why people are antisocial. And we are all so guilty of it; immersed in the cornucopian library of games or tapping away on that great social centric denominator that we call the World Wide Web. We are all as guilty as calories on a Kit-Kat dipped in lard.

So often am I at a table and the reflex action of everyone with an iPhone is to silently partition themselves from everyone else and just indulge in their new relationship with the iPhone. It’s like it’s a fucking Tamagochi, except that it vibrates and you can use it as a phone. And the poor Blackberry user is left all alone, that even talking would feel like masturbating.

Think of the iPhone as Robin Hood, robbing you of precious interaction between you and your partner – maybe sometimes it’s for the better because sometimes you need to shut up for a relationship to work. Remember, it’s only rude when only one person has an iPhone.

4. Threesome with a familiar

Threesomes are great, probably the best invention by the French since fries. And yet it is a delicate subject or act that needs proper stucture, rules and engagement when you are in a relationship. Having your dog present as witness does not count, and neither does your dildo, even if it has a name.

There are countless merits in a threesome, it’s like having a conference exchange on the latest sex positions and foreplay matters. It is anything but vanilla. It’s a proof of life and having lived it well. It’s an initiation passage of sorts. It’s about being adventurous together and it sure as hell beats phone sex.

It’s a known fact that threesomes with a mutual friend in an equation is a quotient for disaster and before that implodes, it comes with endless paranoia, nagging and sometimes a punch to the face. If you are planning for a third party, then anyone on your Facebook is not an option – this is one time having many people on your Facebook account will work against you.

We all know that threesomes with a friend complicates matters, just like how Dan, Serena and Vanessa found out. But we don’t need Gossip Girl or cable network television to tell us so because as great the session might be, there will always be an awkwardness that will greet you after that voracious orgasm.

You can be sure that any contact – platonic or coincidental for that matter – with that friend after, will be frown upon and accepted with a barrage of questions and rabid skepticism – a lot of it. If you are planning to lose a friend, then this is a great way and if you are (un)lucky, maybe the relationship as well.

Strangers are great insertions to this because it negates emotional attachments and chance of further infidelity. There should not be any exchange of contacts or handshakes for that matter when it is all over. Strangers are great for ‘no frills’ engagements amongst many other things like unexplained murders, syphilis and missing furniture.

There are tons of rules to iron out before you dive in – no pun intended. Is kissing allowed? How about snuggling? Who gets to go first? Who should you end off with? Are the girls allowed to kiss? Should men be allowed to kiss? Who’s in charge of the camera?

If you have that all covered, welcome to Nirvana, I hope it went well for you.

5. Paying for everything

One thing most girls don’t realize is that while men in general do not mind paying for trivialities like meals, movies and condoms, they also do not like the idea of always paying for it.

But Butterfly, men do not like women paying for them; I hear you say? My balls are dangling because they are gawking at your ignorance and stupidity. Who the fuck ever told you that men hate women paying is a liar or chauvinist – maybe both. But they are also definitely a moron.

Yes it’s that topic about a man’s pride and ego, but this is 2010; TV’s are getting slimmer, society is more receptive to anal sex and if the Mayan’s are right, the world is ending in 2 years. Pride and egos are commodities that are fashionably outdated much like Nokia and bubble tea. No man is ever going to honestly bitch about not having to pay.

It’s all about sustainability. Men are never going to always open the car door for you or keep the toilet seat diligently down. We are never going to always pay attention to what you are saying and naturally, we are never going to be happy if you keep making us pay for your shit.

Men might not realize this, but an independent woman is as alluring as tight asses and deep cleavages. We might not always admit it or maybe we are too conditioned by social mores and tradition to believe that it is not right for women to pay, but men actually appreciate the occasional offer of a treat.

If you are a woman and you are tattooed with the belief that men should always pay, then your myopia to changes in society is going to cause you to lose your partner. No man with a functional penis should take this shit either. If it’s equality that women want, then it’s time we gave them a bill or twenty.

If you are a woman, and you’ve been paying, then spare me 3 minutes while I laugh at your absolute stupidity because the only thing funnier than this, is discovering that your husband has a vagina. No man is ever deserving of your full monetary support, unless he is as awesome as Ip Man.


At 12:18 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Soooo funny!! I should have read this a long time ago to end my long distanced relationship. hah! :P Will be looking forward to the next chapter!

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