The Friday Scuffle

In life there are things that should never be mixed, like heels and champagne, obesity and bikinis, North Korea and nuclear warheads amongst many other, and as of couple Fridays back, ego and alcohol.

Oh, but we've already known that too well as witnessed by the obscene amount of fights that have broken out in clubs. And I say obscene not because I think it's complete childish - God forbid, it makes great entertainment value, second only to midget wrestling - , but because fights in real life are never as glamourous as Hollywood depicts.

It's always messy, we never get that picture perfect still shot of a knockout and it ends way too fast. Rocky Balboa looked like he could take a punch from every one in China and still have a Kentucky Fried Chicken before he goes down for the count.

It all started at the toilet for me where I was unceremoniously cut at the queue by a girl. And because I am brilliant at deducing the situation, I figured that if this came down to a fist fight, I would have a substantial advantage over her lithe 40 odd kg frame and plus I hadn't file my nails all day.

Me: "Wah! You just cut my queue!"

She turns around, clearly inebriated and has no idea what I am saying. She wouldn't have anyway to begin with even if she was sober because she wasn't local. And if it wasn't because she was actually pretty and could probably know Wushu, I would have challenged her to a round of Chinese chess for the rights to the toilet.

Me: "Oh it's okay. You guys don't queue to begin with."

So I got out back out to find the guys at the bar, ready to palaver my little tale of friction when all of the sudden, I am hit at the side of my face. I turn, clutch my face and exclaim loudly to the first guy I see. He pays me no attention. Instead, he starts yelling at D2.

I stand there clueless as to what is going on while the guy yells away. I hear juvenile key phrases like, "you bump into me" and "never say sorry" and I start looking around the club frantically hoping to see Ekin Cheng and Jordan Chan pop up from the crowd, cued with techno Canto pop and gang cheers.

The next thing I know, another guy comes over stark raving mad and throws in huge words like, "loser" and "poor" and then starts boasting about being a lawyer. I do not get to drink anything during this 5 minutes of yelling, but I am generally amused by it.

Apparently, everything that the two guys have done is scripted - probably down to what vulgarities they were planning to use because the first guy looked like he would normally have problems saying his name without thinking.

It was a script formed from a thick plot of spurned love, a bruised ego, revenge and a lot cauldron full of inmaturity. It's something a TVB drama would have been if all their actors were 12 years old.

So it was revenge. D2 had been the subject for this aggrevation and his reaction would have been the bait for a full on violence had he not kept his cool and read the situation. RotiPrata had gone out to the smoking deck where they were, to settle things with security.

Bystander: "You okay?"
D2: "You want to start also issit?!"

The guy was livid but it was hilarious because it seemed for a moment, that wrath had eroded all sense of clarity in D2 and he would have killed even Big Bird if it tired to pacify him.

Bystander: "What the fuck?! I just asked if you are okay?!"

I would have have giggled myself to death if it didn't look like another fight might break out from this. Immediately, the bystander's friend started talking to me.

Friend: "Hey, tell your friend to chill lah.."

I would have replied him if I wasn't laughing to badly.

When we got out to the smoking deck, the first guy that hit D2 had suddenly surrendered into an apologetic lump of gutlessness. At first I thought that RotiPrata might have sliced off his testicles with an amonia laced letter opener, then I realized how absurd the whole debacle had adulterated itself into.

Apparently, the first guy who had hit D2, had in his drunken stupor, vitiated his claim against D2 by confessing that he had thrown a punch. On the other hand, the second guy who had instigated the whole affair continued his yelling, which were like stand up comedy punchlines.

2nd Guy: "You are a fucking loser. You are poor. I am rich. I am a lawyer! Just remember that when you kiss her, you are tasting my dick!"

I think the only thing he missed out was 'my daddy has a bigger gun than your daddy. I don't want to friend you'. And then he got dragged out, because he had a friend who is a self-confessing moron that made Forrest Gump look like Ari Gold.

Bystander and his friend comes by again and tries to appease everyone. Yang, who had been quiet all night turns to the friend.

Yang: "I know you.."
Friend: "Oh? Where from?"
Yang: "You look familiar.. you look like someone... that I want to punch the face in because..."

And there was a long pause. I was half expecting a joke at the end of it that would have ended with us giving high fives and chest bumping, but no. There was nothing but contempt that lay ahead, but this was what the guy said in retaliation.

Friend: "Eh.. why your friend like that! I'm hurt by what he just said. I was just trying to be nice and then he come and say such things."

I don't know if he was a Catholic church alter boy or a gay manicurist by day, but I laughed so hard, I barely had strength to hold my cigarette. Where are the Hollywood fights when you need one?