Sunday, May 30, 2010

How To Lose Your Partner In 10 Ways - Pt 3

Let's get this continued..

6. Tattooing Their Name

There’s always been a jinx to this, like walking under a ladder, opening an umbrella inside the house or calling someone immediately after you’ve taken their number. Look, if there was a fairytale ending to tattooing someone’s name, then Walt Disney would have said so.

Everyone who has done so is either separated, divorced or in penitentiary for domestic abuse. Jolie did that with Billy Bob, and look where that has ended. The only one that has probably got away so far is David Beckham and that’s because he fucked up the spelling of her name.

I had a friend in secondary school that inked his girlfriend’s name on his thigh and she ended up running off with a lesbian. True story. I don’t know what is worse, getting hit by a bus or finding out your girlfriend is lesbian.

But Butterfly, I know people who have their partners names tattooed on them and they are still together, I hear you protesting already. I’m sure some of them make it through life okay, but it’s a rarity, much like Japanese virgins at 21 and I’m sure you can fit them all into a Cherry QQ.

It’s one thing to profess your love and devotion through body art, but it’s another thing when you are trying to defy a divine power. Don’t jinx it, if you really need to show someone you love them, take them out for dinner, buy them flowers, start practicing foreplay or if you really absolutely have to, change your phone wallpaper to their image.

Don’t tempt fate to be laughing at you for sitting through an hour of pain from tattooing and then another 2 hours of agony – financially and physically – trying to cover up your dumb idea. The only thing dumber than getting tattoos of each others’ name, is wearing couple t-shirts, because people aren’t smiling at you, they are laughing.

7. Staying too far from each other

They say Singapore is a small island, but unless you are driving a Lamborghini with impunity for traffic laws and speed limits, it’s still a huge ass pain travelling from one end to the other.

At the start of any courtship, distance between couples is a mere excuse to ‘spend more time together’ because travelling back and forth is apparently as orgasmic and fulfilling as a fresh oven baked pizza with extra cheese. It’s called a Relationship Life Cycle, so which means in time to come, sending her back to Jurong when you are at Tampines, is as rewarding as having genital warts.

It’s a simple rule; date within area codes. If you are in Bishan, then your pool of eligibles should be somewhere between Toa Payoh and Ang Mo Kio. Serangoon is okay, but if it’s Hougang, then you better have a car.

People who stay in the West, should only date people in the West, and maybe Johor Bahru, since I always believe that it’s actually in a different time zone, so if you are dating anyone in mainland Singapore – anything not Jurong, Choa Chu Kang or Westward – it’s like having a long distance relationship.

It’s a simple logic. When it gets too tedious and time consuming to travel to meet for lunch or for a ride home, it’s just going to put a strain on the relationship and unless you are rewarded with a huge plate of steak or mind blowing sex each time, it’s just not going to be worth it.

If your parents tell you that they are relocating to another district that is over 8 MRT stops from where you are, then start printing flyers to handout to your new neighbourhood, pimping yourself. The relationship you are in is going to degenerate faster than Michael Jackson’s nose.

Now with this simple grasp of geographical knowledge and human reflex behavior, you can apply it efficaciously to a relationship that you need to nip. Instead of being obnoxious and rude, which might end with you getting a beat down from your partner, move away, and get them to travel to you.

Any guy that will religiously send you back and pick you up from home when he stays on the other end of Singapore, is either a moron or he just hasn’t fucked you yet. Men are easier to read than a pre-school comic strip, it’s just that women are too blind to see.

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